AboutPete Expertise I am an Australian clinical hypnotherapist and counsellor who can answer all questions to do with male sexuality and questions relating to intimacy.
No problem is too big or too small. You can ask in total confidence.
Experience Comprehensive experience in hypnotherapy and counselling in Australia over a number of years. I have two very successful clinics that cater for people what to make permanent positive changes in their lives.
Organizations Full Member Australian Association of Clinical Hypnotherapy & Psychotherapy
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts Degree, Post Graduate Diploma of Education, Diploma of Clinical Hypnotherapy, Graduate Diploma of Psychotherapy & Counselling
Past/Present Clients I do not discuss past or present clients
Question QUESTION: I have a real problem ejaculating when I'm having sex with my wife. When I make love I regularly cannot cum, this is not putting stress on my relationship but it is making me frustrated.
If I can't cum during a sex session I tend to put myself under pressure to perform next time, which inevitable makes things worse!!
ANSWER: Hi Andy
Thanks for sharing with me.
Can you give me some more info to work with?
Age
Amount of sexual experience
How long you have had this issue
Any hassles with masturbation not being able to ejaculate
medication/drug use
Any other info you thing may be relevant
Looking forward to hearing from you
Pete
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Pete,
I'm 38 and have had 4 or 5 sexual partners before I got married and have had this problem for as long as I can remember, it just feels like I put myself under pressure to perform. I have no hassle with masturbation and can get myself off no problems. I don't use any drugs or medication and I can't think of any 'bad' experiences of sex that I can remember.
Answer Hi Andy
Thanks for sharing with me.
It is my understanding that ejaculating 0-2 minutes into sexual activity is definable as Premature Ejaculation (PE).
This means that you need to spend some more time fine tuning your ability to control ejaculation.
So this is what I suggest:
1. Work on your foreplay. Remember that most guys need very little if any foreplay to get them ready for sex. Women are very different. Talk with your partner about what she likes, doesn't like and when she has had enough. Note that 30+ minutes is very common for women.
You should aim to give her at least 1 orgasm before having penetrative sex.
Make sure that your fingers are clean and the nails are trimmed. Take your time and enjoy this special time with your partner.
2. Positions:
Be aware that it is too easy for a guy to ejaculate early in these positions:
Missionary
Doggy style
there is too much stimulation on the head of the penis; and it is too easy to get carried away with thrusting.
Best positions:
cow girl (female on top) you do not thrust at all
spooning
3. Re-training yourself to be more aware of the pleasurable feelings that build up as you are getting close to ejaculating, so that you can control them.
My clients find masturbation to be the easiest way of doing this.
Set aside at least 30 minutes.
Use a high quality lube.
Masturbate with an awareness of the head of the penis...not just the shaft (as most males do).
When you are close to ejaculating, stop, take a deep breath and let the moment pass. When you are ready to continue slowly build up the tempo and stop when you see that you are getting ready to ejaculate.
Keep doing this and when you have gone for at least 10 minutes you can allow yourself to enjoy the intensity of ejaculating and having a very strong orgasm. Don’t be surprised if you ejaculate more semen than normal.
Most clients find that practicing a couple of times a week really helps them when they are having sex with their partner.
Each time you practice, make it last longer before ejaculating. Before you know it, you will be able to chose to last an hour.
It is important to remember that penetrative sex does feel different to masturbation.
Penetrative sex places more stimulus on the glans (head of the penis) while in masturbating normally men place all the attention on the shaft of the penis.
Therefore, you need to place your awareness on the glans more to get used to those same feelings when you are having sex with your partner.
Get used to masturbating with lubricant as this too is more like sex.
While Dr Kegel created these following exercises for female patients with incontinence; they are very helpful for men and women wanting to improve their sexual pleasure.
For men it does help give you more control over your love making and in particular you do become more aware of the point of no return and therefore can last longer. Erections usually feel harder too.
Women can actually strengthen their Pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles) so much that they can "squeeze" or "milk" a penis inside of them...amazing stuff.
Here is a simple way of doing the Kegels:
Kegel Exercises
Many people begin doing Keel exercises, which are exercises designed to strengthen the Pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles), but are squeezing the wrong muscle. It’s important to make sure you are exercising the correct muscle.
Here are two tips to finding your PC muscle:
1. The easiest way to find your PC muscle is to stop the flow of urine while you are urinating. As you are urinating, intentionally stop the flow of urine. Do this several times until you can clearly feel the muscle you are using to stop the flow. This muscle is your PC muscle.
2. You can also check you’ve got the right muscle by inserting a lubricated finger (for women in the vagina, for men in the anus) and squeezing your PC muscle. If you feel pressure around your finger, you're using the right muscle.
How to do Kegel Exercises:
1. Squeezing Kegel exercises: start slow, find your baseline.
The basic exercise can be done anytime and anywhere. Just squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can, and hold them. This is doing a Kegel exercise. Start by squeezing and holding for a count of 3-5 seconds, then release and relax for 5 seconds. When you release, notice how your muscles feel. The first time you do a Kegel exercise see how many times you can do it before you feel your muscles getting tired.
2. Squeezing Kegel exercises: use sets of repetitions
Your Kegel exercises will be most efficient and have the most impact if you get into doing sets of repetitions of the squeezing. Once you’ve found your baseline, you can work from there. If you can, start with doing 5 repetitions (squeeze/hold/release). Judge for yourself how long you can hold the squeeze for, but don’t push yourself too much at first.
3. Building up strength with Kegel exercises.
Once you’ve found your baseline, do your exercises, and every couple of days increase both the length of time you hold the squeeze for, and the number of exercises per set. As a guideline, try to work up to a point where you can hold the squeeze for ten seconds. And try to work up to doing ten reps of Kegel exercises per set. So you squeeze, hold for ten second, release, relax for ten seconds, and repeat ten times.
4. Do your Kegel exercises three or four times a day.
Try to take three or four times in the day to do Kegel exercises. Again, everyone is different, but as a guideline try to do ten reps per session, holding for ten seconds on each exercise.
5. Vary the intensity and time in Kegel exercises.
You can also try to vary the intensity of your squeezing and the amount of time you hold the squeeze in a set. Once you're comfortable that you're doing the exercises properly try a set where you do rapid squeeze and release. Experiment with how long you can comfortably hold a squeeze. Remember not to push yourself to the point of pain or discomfort.
6. Do Kegels while masturbating and having partner sex.
Once you're comfortable, incorporate Kegel exercises in your masturbation. Do them while you're getting warmed up, doing them before you have an orgasm, and even try to do them while having an orgasm. You may notice that Kegels change the way your sexual excitement and your experience of orgasm feels. For some men, Kegels can be a way of “pulling back” from the edge of ejaculation, and can allow them to better control ejaculation.
Tips:
1. Isolate the PC muscle when doing your Kegel exercises. Avoid contracting your abdominal, thigh, or buttocks muscles, or squeezing your sphincter muscle only. This is something many people do, but it reduces the effectiveness of the Kegel exercise Concentrate on breathing and trying to keep yourself relaxed, and only tense the PC muscles you are using. Try not to tense up your whole body.
2. Finding time to do your Kegel exercises. You don’t need to set aside a big chunk of time to do Kegel exercises. Do a few reps while waiting for a stop light to turn green. In the last ten minutes before lunch, when you're sitting at a desk, do a few reps. Do them while you're waiting for the movie to start, or a commercial break to be over.
3. Don’t overdo your Kegel exercises. Like any exercise, it’s important to build up slowly, and pay attention to your body. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort, you are pushing yourself too hard. It is possible that you could strain the muscles and aggravate a current problem, when you are trying to resolve it.
I hope the above is helpful to you, feel free to ask me another question via the follow up question option if you want to.
