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Question I have been dating a guy for about 4 months now, and in the beginning, our sex life was pretty good** (explanation to follow below). We would do it anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day, during lunch break from work, no matter how late it was or how little sleep we got etc. We are (were?) both very attracted to each other and had great chemistry.
To give a bit of background - I met this guy through work and have known him for over a year and a half now. We dated briefly (nothing serious) last year for about 3 months, but the "relationship" wasn't making me happy and I ended it. (He was still getting over a breakup with his ex-girlfriend, and I felt he was just using me as a rebound). We continued to work together and remained casual friends, went out for lunch, etc. During that time we each had our own personal lives and did not speak to each other about it. I happen to know that his was very active in that he was picking up a new girl each week, but never formed any long lasting relationships with any of them.
About 9 months after we initially broke up but remained friends he tried to get with me again. I hadn't grown very attached to him during our first dating attempt (mainly b/c back then it was a one-way effort on my end, and he never really did anything for me to hold on to), had completely gotten over it, and swore to myself I would never date him again. So when he tried to initiate it this time I refused strongly, and it took him ALOT of effort to convince me to give him another chance (not only words but actions, too, obviously). During “take 2” of our relationship, it was completely different from the first time, in a good way. It was actually a relationship: he treats me good, wants to be with me every night (even though we see each other all day at work), takes care of me, helps me, etc. etc. All in all, he does everything that he did not do the first time around, and I do believe he values me and takes me seriously now....
**Ok so back to the present - for the first couple of months we had a pretty good sex life. I say pretty good b/c there were some things of concern for me that I experienced during our first round of dating (which I attributed to his lack of experience in the area and/or lack of care about me) but then I also saw start to manifest when we got back together the 2nd time. Again, since everything else in the relationship is great, I attributed this to his lack of experience and figured he would eventually open up, get more comfortable, and our sex life would evolve with time. Those things are namely that
1) He does not perform oral sex on me. I do it to him and he does enjoy it, but never asks for it. When I first asked him about it (not aggressively, merely out of casual curiosity), he said he hasn’t done much of it but he imagines it “can’t be all that bad with me.” So I waited and waited, and continued to perform oral sex on him hoping that one day something would happen. It didn’t, and when confronted again he got defensive, saying “I’m sorry that I am not as robust a lover as you are used to having” and said that my bringing it up has ruined it b/c now if he doesn’t do it it’s a problem, and if he does it will be forced or staged, and will ruin the mood. After that I never brought it up again, and although trying to refrain from performing oral sex on him, continued to do so (I get pleasure out of pleasing my partner), but definitely not as often.
2) He does not like to try different positions or different places. I am a very sexual person and get turned on by doing it in nonconventional places. With him this is unheard of – he claims to have never done it anywhere but the bed, and this is the only place we do it! Not even on the floor or anything. Furthermore, he only likes 2 positions – missionary and me on top. I have managed to get him to do doggy style twice briefly, and that is it. Nothing else at all!! Needless to say I didn’t dare try something like the 69 or any other kind of “mildly kinky” stuff.
So the above 2 were the main oddities that I had noticed from the beginning. Again, trying to not take it personally and accept that that is who he is, I gave up on trying to get him to do anything different and have maintained our sexual relations safely within his comfort zone. Despite these shortcomings, our sex life was good in that we did it all the time and had great chemistry. Over time there were some factors that have definitely hurt our sexual relations. I like to party a lot, and he doesn’t like to go out and does not drink at all. So I would go out without him and come home pretty buzzed. He did not want to have sex with me at those times and said that my going out has had a detrimental effect on our relationship b/c he wasn’t attracted to me when I wasn’t sober. This is PERFECTLY understandable, so I stopped partying/drinking completely, I mean completely – not even a drop.
Things seemed to get better for a while in that we began to have sex a little more often again, but still he seemed lacking the energy he used to have with me. I have tried to be patient but have slipped up and confronted him about it several times since. I tried asking calmly, no arguments, telling him it was bothering and hurting me, but he wouldn’t tell me why. All he said was that there was no problem, he was just tired, it’s not me, or he doesn’t know himself what the problem is. After some time I began to lose patience. I tried REALLY hard not to bring it up but failed, and when I did he said that by bringing it up I am making it a “loaded and uncomfortable topic” making it all the more difficult to engage in sex as a natural thing…..
I have pondered all the common reasons for a man to lose sexual interest in his partner and I am completely lost!! I do not drink (as he wanted me not to), I am very good to him (without being “whipped” or clingy), I mentally engaging and take very good care of my body and physical appearance (always!), and pretty much every man finds me very attractive, both externally and internally. My boyfriend is well aware of this and is proud of it, too – sometimes he will act sexual to me when other guys are around to show off or mark his territory, so to speak. I know he is not cheating on me b/c I see him 90% of every day (he simply wouldn’t have the time). But still, he barely wants to have sex with me! Whenever we get into bed he hugs me really close, kisses me, and dozes off in minutes. This is incredibly frustrating for me b/c I work so hard and just cannot find an explanation for his behavior. I do not force him to see me, he insists on spending every night with me himself, but still no sex...
I have tried talking to him, spending time apart, acting like I don’t want sex, but NOTHING seems to work. Can you please shed some light as I am going crazy?! Sorry for the extremely long letter. Your response is greatly appreciated.
M.
Answer first you have understand that his sexual hang-ups re the oral/positions, won't be changing, and be willing to accept this reality, or not; next, you need to understand that you stopped drinking ONLY because he didn't like it, and decide if giving up part of who you are just to appease him is how you really want to live; finally, his lack of desire can only have so many origins--he either has a physical issue (doubtful, but he could see a urologist), is gay, is addicted to porn, or has lost desire for YOU; once you decide that the situation is no longer acceptable, and that his cooperation in having open/honest dialog (that either leads to revaling the truth or pledging to FIND the truth), is now REQUIRED, INFORM him of same; certainly, seeing each other daily doesn't help--without spaces in togetherness, excitement can lessen; my guess is he's gotten too comfortable, he's too sure of you, you've made it way too easy for him, and the passion has suffered; if the dialog just leads to more excuses, you have to assertively take matters into your own hands; start by not seeing him/talking to him for a couple of weeks, then maybe get together once/twice a week, no sex; hopefully this will lead to a newly realized appreciation for you--if not, you're with the wrong guy....
