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Education/Credentials B.A. Bates College (psychology)...graduate study Fordham University School of Social Work
Question I'm sure this question has been brought up several times but I have to ask for myself...
I spent 2.5 years in an abusive relationship when the main goal of sex was for my boyfriend to orgasm, not me. I was just used to letting him use me to get his nut off. I thought I was passed that when I had sex with my next partner and had orgasms no problem. Now I'm in another serious relationship, my next relationship since the bad one, and I can't consistently have an orgasm. Sometimes I can and it's great but I can only do it once. My partner is used to making his partners reach multiple orgasms in one sitting. He is frustrated not only because he can only make me orgasm once each time, but also because I don't always orgasm. He's the type that won't orgasm until I do so it does put some pressure on me as well. I know that pressure and past relationships can affect my chances of orgasm but I want to know if there is something I can do to make this better. I want to orgasm and I usually come very close to doing it but the problem arises when the feeling of coming close to having an orgasm suddenly goes away and I can't do it. We've tried multiple positions and clitoral stimulation along with penetration. So at this point I'm not sure why it's happening...he seems to think it's a mental block from my past relationship. I just want this to be fixed because it takes a toll on our relationship. Please help!
Answer first, you need to get rid of all this pressure--anxiety and orgasm don't work well together; the boyfriend needs to be a little less "anal" about it, needing to gracefully accept your 1 orgasm (some women can't come at all), or none, and not tie it into HIS ; contrary to this guy's experience, not every woman is capable of multiple orgasm; i doubt if it has to do with your past; my feeling it's a combination of you both not accepting the unique individualities/capabilities/limitations involved, his misguided connecting of no./frequency of orgasm to his self-esteem, and this cloud of expectation/pressure that evolves from these attitudes; my advice is to accept the realities, refrain from discussing the topic, enjoy the passion/intimacy, aware that the orgasm is just 1 component of a bigger event, and hopefully this lighter, more relaxed atmosphere will lead the way to where you ideally want to go...
