How to Deal with Sex Problems/What to do?

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Question
Okay, well... I'm 20, and my boyfriend Paul is 22. Him and I have been together for a little over 3 years, and he lives with my mom and I. My mom agreed to let him move in last year around this time because his father is a drunk and would verbally abuse him constantly and smack him around when he was drunk. One time he came over my house with a nasty black eye and marks all over him and my mom offered to let him move in because she knows he's a good kid. Honestly, we would move out but him and I are both full time students and cannot afford it right now. He pays her rent, and he's really helpful around the house. He does all of the yard work for us, cleans up around the house and helps take care of our animals.

Him and I share a room and my mom knows that we have sex, and while she doesn't love it, she knows that we're safe about it. He is my first and only and him and I are probably going to get married someday. My mom and I have discussed this topic and she says that she knows she can't stop it from happening, but to just "be careful." Anyways, (sorry to be blunt) I'm sort of into light sub/dom kind of stuff; I like being dominated and pushed around a bit. We don't get too into it, though. No tying up anyone or anything. But Paul sent me an... Inappropriate text... At one point, and my phone screen turns on when I get a text. My phone was on the table and my mom saw. The text included him talking about his hand around my neck and he called me some really inappropriate things. My mom lost it, saying how demeaning that is to me, letting him do/say all that stuff. I told her that I encourage it and it's fine. Those names that he calls me stay in the bedroom. He is a sweetheart and he would never call me anything disrespectful unless it is in the bedroom and I'm okay with it. He's very respectful of me, but the bedroom is different than the rest of the time but she doesn't get it. She is very angry and I can't seem to calm her down about it. I don't want her saying anything to Paul because... Awkward... What do I do?

Answer
Dear Sara:

It is understandable that your mother would get mad because of it.  You may not see it as beyond her understanding (of your sexual activities) but as a mother who cares and loves her child dearly.  As a parent, you don't want to put your child in harm's way.  So the situation that you have right now is a matter of perspective.  Your mother is upset because she thinks that your boyfriend is hurting you.  If I were your mother I would feel the same.

To remedy the situation, you need to involve Paul in it. Both of you may want to talk to your mom to clarify things.  You have to guarantee that you guys are not really hurting each other but  have a "weird sexual game" that you sometimes play. I know that this would be very awkward on your part but sometimes engaging in sub/dom activities involve certain responsibilities and consequences and  making her understand it and making her feel confident that Paul is still the right man is just one of them.  

And next time, make sure that your phone has a password before messages can be read:)

Good luck and God bless.

Johannes  

How to Deal with Sex Problems

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Johannes

Expertise

I have the ability to give mature and appropriate responses to questions regarding adolescent and early adulthood sexuality. Inquiries regarding gay and lesbian activities will be answered without moralizing on my part and will be purely gender sensitive.

Experience

I am a clinical psychologist with an MA in Counseling as well as a college educator who specialize in sexuality, and had been doing lectures, seminars and actual classroom teaching regarding the topic for more than 15 years. I also have a weekly radio program that listens to sexual, emotional, social and personal problems of adolescents and young adults that they themselves cannot discuss openly with peers or members of the family

Education/Credentials
BS-Psychology MA-Counseling

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