How to Deal with Sex Problems/I don't like to kiss
QUESTION: Hello! I'm Rachel. So...my question isn't exactly about sex, but in a way, it is. I'm engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. I am 24, he is 42. Anyway, I've come to realize that I really don't like kissing. When I first started dating guys back in high school, I didn't really enjoy kissing. I thought once I met the right guy, that would change. But it hasn't. My fiance is what you would call a "good kisser," I just don't really like it. I don't hate it. I will always kiss back if he kisses me. But I almost never initiate it. The times that I do, it's only because I feel like he's expecting it. I don't understand why I don't like it. It seems like everyone else loves kissing, especially someone they really love. I love my fiance very much. And I love doing lots of other things with him. I love hugging him, cuddling with him, and I love having pretty much any kind of sex with him in any position. I'm very emotional and it seems weird to me that I don't like kissing, because I love closeness and affection. I even cry sometimes when I orgasm because I love the intimacy and emotional connection so much. I don't know what to do. He likes to kiss a lot, especially during sex. I feel like it hurts his feelings that he almost always has to kiss me first. It makes me feel bad. I want him to know that it's me, not him, but I don't want him to stop kissing just because of me. I know he would miss it. I feel so terrible about it. I wish I could like it. Like I said, I don't hate it, it just doesn't do anything for me and I feel almost relieved when it's over. And it's not that he's a bad kisser or he tastes weird or anything like that. What should I do?
ANSWER: Hi Rachel,
Well, you are not the first or last woman that is not really into kissing. Have you kissed others and enjoyed it? Are there others you would like to kiss? What goes through your mind as you kiss? Now, that is an important question. If the same thought, remembrance or feeling of discomfort is there, you should explore where that feeling comes from. Did your parents or family kiss? Is kissing the lips the only kiss you don't enjoy or is it any kiss of any thing. Think about these questions and see if you can discover what about kissing you don't like. Then you can address making changes to accommodate him.
If you enjoy or at least don't dislike kissing kissing cheeks or necks you might start by that than work you way up to enjoying lips. Nuzzling is always a fun way to get close. If you can kiss the lips with a closed mouth and not an open on. do that and slowly allow your mouth to open. If tongue is the issue tell him how far you can go and expect him to understand.
If you don't have a serious aversion to it, it might have to become one of those "mindful" things in your relationship. You may to think about when you should be kissing and just do it. Especially if he likes it a lot.
If you discover the why of the issue I may have some suggestions for solving that issue.
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QUESTION: Hi again, thanks for taking my question seriously. I have never kissed ANYONE and enjoyed it. I like the IDEA of kissing, it seems nice in my head, but actually doing it I just don't like. I don't really know specifically what it is about it I don't like. Most of the time, during a kiss, I'm thinking about what he is doing and what he might do next, and at the same time thinking "when can I stop?" Growing up I rarely saw my parents kiss. If they ever did, it was just an exaggerated peck. They never put their arms around each other or anything. Only their lips touched for less than a second. I always thought it looked awkward, like two kindgergarteners kissing. I always thought someday I would kiss much more romantically than that. But I guess not. I don't mind giving or receiving kisses anywhere else. It's just the lips I don't like. I don't have any problems kissing body parts or other parts of the face, even right next to the mouth. It's been years since I kissed anyone else, so I can't really remember what it was like, just that I didn't like it. Honestly, I think maybe it's because I worry about the way I kiss. No one has ever said anything bad about it. He says he likes it. But I feel like I have to put so much thought into it, like I can't just be carefree when I kiss. I'm constanly thinking about what he's doing and how I should respond, making sure it's not too wet and making sure I'm not breathing into his mouth. I wish I could just not think about it so much. After kissing so many times, I feel like I'm still not used to it yet. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to surprise him sometime and just kiss him unexpectedly, but I end up shying away from it. I really WANT to enjoy it. I just don't know how. I think of all the things other people think are weird or uncomfortable that him and I are perfectly fine with, and I think why does it have to be kissing? Why couldn't it be something else, instead of something so basic?
It could be a technique issue, at least to some degree. Next time you kiss him, very lightly touch the lips, mouth slightly open and feel his lips on yours. Focus on the sensations of the lips. Be in the moment. No rush, no expectations, no thoughts... Just feel. Try that sand lets see if you feel a little better about kissing.