How to Deal with Sex Problems/Differing views about sex


My boyfriend and I have been in a steady relation for 3 years. We are even thinking of marrying next year. I have had a good sexual relation with him, not very frquent but not very infrequent too, say once a week. However there is something that is bothering me. Sex means a way of expressing my love to him, but recently my boyfriend told me sex for him is absolutely unemotional and detached from love. He loves me a lot and shows his affection n passion for me in many ways like holding, touching, kissing, hugging etc. However his drive for sex is not a lot. Partly i feel is because he is in medical school and works 13 hours a day and secondly because its so unemotional for him he doesnt feel the need to fulfill it. But my concern is, he is a guy, Dont all guys have desire? He could be depending on porn? Will I have a pathetic sex life? He does tell me when we have sex he enjoys it and loves me..but why doesnt he ask more? Why isnt it attached to his love for me? Why doesnt he want more from me? Is it because he is so busy? Im so confused. also he has admitted to watching porn. Just an FYI. Thanks for your help"

Hi Robin,

Often men and women view sex differently.  For most women it is directly related to love. For men sex is a creature all it's own.  Emotions do come into play even for men, but most men can enjoy sex with women they are not involved with.  In fact, women can also.  A good relationship is based upon have several emotional needs met.  Sex being just one of them.  Affection, communication, companionship, honesty are among the most important ones.  

Every one's sex drive is different. And it varies over time.  Stress and overwork can be a huge factor. One of the things I recommend coupes should discuss before marriage is sex.  Expectations and limitations.  It sound really cold, but know what each of you expect can prevent disappointment later.  If you need or want sex 3, 4 or more times a week he should know.  If he isn't OK with that you need to know.  Oh,  men watch porn, I would not worry about that unless he does that so much that it interferes with work or your life together. Nothing wrong with the two of you watching together.  It might give you an opportunity to talk about what turns you both on.   Might open some new possibilities.

Good luck,  

How to Deal with Sex Problems

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Tom Blair


Sexual Relationship Coaching. Published author. I am comfortable answering questions dealing with most areas of sex.


Sexual Relationship Coach Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

Sexual Relationship Coach Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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