How to Deal with Sex Problems/Sexual Disconnect
I am an attractive, intelligent 39-year-old female. My sex drive is, as far as I can tell, pretty healthy. However, I have had abject failure in sexual relationships, and when I am with someone - even someone I care about a lot and am attracted to sexually - there is something missing and I am unable to be entirely present in the moment and enjoy the experience. This is preventing me from having healthy intimate relationships, and I have reached a point where I have to figure out what is wrong.
I have trust issues in general; I had an experience as a young adolescent when I was let down by someone who I should have been able to trust. These issues have never really resolved. I was also a late bloomer sexually; I was a virgin until I was almost 26. But since I have been sexually active, I have never been able to be 100% present in the sex act, and it is difficult - usually impossible, if we're being honest - for me to achieve orgasm with a partner (during masturbation I have no issues climaxing, for the record). This is extremely frustrating because I am not "frigid" or asexual or any of those things. My last boyfriend - whom I still live with; we have put the relationship on the back burner for the time being but are still extremely close and have not ruled out trying the romantic/intimate relationship again in the future - is someone I not only care for more than I have anyone in the past, I am madly attracted to him. But in our sexual encounters, there was that disconnect again. It disconcerts him (understandably); he sees it as me "going through the motions" or not being entirely emotionally present, and that makes him question our sexual compatibility.
The thing is, I have come to wonder if I am sexually compatible with ANYONE. I am bisexual in theory, meaning that I am attracted to some women but have never been intimate with one. My bf asked me if I might be a lesbian and just not aware, and maybe that's the cause of the disconnect. But I'm almost positive that that's not it. I am attracted to women, yes, but just as attracted to men, if not more so, and beyond attracted to him.
I can't figure this out, and whether I reconcile and try again with him, or meet someone else, this is something I need to resolve. Is it a trust issue? A mental block? Emotional? Thinking too much? I don't know. But I need to fix it.
it could be any or all of the above, and we know it's not physical; if guys are taking the time to stimulate you in ways you prefer and still you can't come, then it's probably some emotional blockage; as you said, you have some unresolved stuff which could easily be the culprit; there's no magic answer here...probably the only good option is to find a good therapist you can work through this issue with...