How to Deal with Sex Problems/problems with orgasm

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Question
Hi! I'm a sexually active 28 year old female in a committed relationship for the past year and a half.  To properly explain my problem I need to give you an idea of my previous relationships. During my whole life I have had 3 long term relationships and a couple of flings while I was single.  

My first relationship lasted  4 years during which I suffered what I believe was a lot of psychological abuse. During that relationship I always felt the need to fake my orgasms since it seemed less troublesome that admitting I couldn't without a lot of work from my bf. In that whole relationship I think I reached orgasm maybe 10 times…we engaged in sexual intercourse at least a couple of times a week.  

My second relationship lasted around the same amount of time. Though the sex was good for the first couple of months and I was able to reach orgasm from time to time, eventually I stopped and it became useless for me to even try.  My partner at that moment had a drinking problem and dealing with it turned me off completely. Our fights were constant, he always harassed me for sex and I would give in every couple of weeks even though for me, by that time, it was just routine. Something to get out of the way.

My current boyfriend loves me. He is sweet and kind. I love him dearly. During the first couple of months I could orgasm with no work from him just by having intercourse.  And once again I stopped being able to orgasm. He doesn't put any effort into foreplay. It's been getting worse these last couple of months since I get turned on but without his help I can't orgasm during intercourse. I tried taking things into my own hands, but it's not working. I believe in exploring the human body and have always tried to be as open to sexuality as I can be. I have masturbated for many years and have used sex toys.  I would like an opinion, and I understand that you may not have all the facts needed to give me a complete one, but I will accept any suggestions you may have.  

All this background information brings me to my question… do you think it might be a psychological issue that I should consult a therapist about, my selfish loving partner, or maybe the stimulation from all the masturbation and use of sex toys have desensitized me to the point that I cannot orgasm any other  way.

Answer
Dear Cris,

Usually, females have issues with sexual gratification due to two main reasons: communication and view about orgasm.

Based on your self-report, you are able to achieve orgasms during the first couple of months with your present partner, right?  That takes away the possibility that you are really unable to achieve orgasm from the equation.  You can have orgasm!

It is now possible that your failure to achieve it is due to your attitude towards it.  When you have sex, do you contemplate on the idea that you may not have orgasm? If you do, that may have had distracted you from really enjoying the pleasure of sexual intimacy with your partner. Next time, never mind if you are going to have orgasm or not. Focus on the sexual intimacy that you and your partner will share with each other. Make sex a complete emotional encounter and it would be more enjoyable than when it is just physical sex.  If you think that sex is your obligation to your partner, it will not be very enjoyable.  

If you think that your partner is not spending more time on foreplay, you can discuss this issue with him.  Sometimes males don't do things because they think that what they are presently doing is just alright.  I am sure that he will not be offended if you tell him where you want to be touched, caressed, licked or sucked during sex.  If he would see that he is able to give you much pleasure by doing so, he will keep on doing it.

I do not believe that your use of sex toys took away your ability to enjoy it with a man. If sex toys allowed you to have an orgasm, it is not deadly if you guys make it a part of your love making routine, is it?  Provided of course that your partner would see it the way I do.

Also, you may just let your partner lie down completely and be on top.  That way you can manipulate his penis inside you and allow it touch portions that will give you sexual pleasure. All you have to do is gyrate your hips and try to find these spots and keep on stimulating it with his penis.  

I hope that my view about your situation can somehow help you.

Good luck and god bless


Johannes  

How to Deal with Sex Problems

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Johannes

Expertise

I have the ability to give mature and appropriate responses to questions regarding adolescent and early adulthood sexuality. Inquiries regarding gay and lesbian activities will be answered without moralizing on my part and will be purely gender sensitive.

Experience

I am a clinical psychologist with an MA in Counseling as well as a college educator who specialize in sexuality, and had been doing lectures, seminars and actual classroom teaching regarding the topic for more than 15 years. I also have a weekly radio program that listens to sexual, emotional, social and personal problems of adolescents and young adults that they themselves cannot discuss openly with peers or members of the family

Education/Credentials
BS-Psychology MA-Counseling

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