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How to Deal with Sex Problems/Sexual Confusion/Frustration

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Question
Hello,
I am a 21 year old surface-wise cisgender woman (internally, more of a genderfluid/genderqueer) and ever since I've lost my virginity I've had this increasingly troubling feeling towards lustful interactions of any sort. It's quite close to a repugnance...Almost like this lack of comfort all together of anything having taken place...And yet, I do permit myself to try once more..once more again, and so on so forth, but nothing changes.

Since my youth I had felt as though I was particularly lesbian, but after also developing romantic+ feelings towards my opposite gender I started to see myself more so as pansexual, since I am myself identify somewhat differently gender-wise..

I had lost my virginity when I was 19, but since then sex has been largely unpleasant, to say the least.

It is not that I cannot...lubricate...I can, and this confuses me because if I am not enjoying it even remotely then how is it that my body is still working as others who are comfortable do?

Shouldn't my body just "dry up" if I am not mentally desiring?
Or is there some sort of unlinked bond between the mind and body with regards to lust?

Answer
Dear Grey,

First I would like to apologize for my rather late reply.

The thing that I see as an advantage in your situation is being pansexual.  It means that you can see the best of both worlds.

Based on my previous cases, most women who do not find sex satisfying are women who are not emotionally, psychologically and sexually prepared when they engage in sex.  You have mentioned that you have the ability to be lubricated and that is a good news.  You do not have a physiological difficulty when you decide to have sex.  Normal women with normal sexual functioning can find themselves wet even when they are not about to have sex.  The wetness just become noticeable because they are expecting sex or they are being sexually aroused.

When you have sex, do you really want to have sex?  Do you really the need to feel the nakedness of your partner? Are you excited to have his penis inside you or share a sexually intimate time with him/her?  The last time you had a less pleasurable sex, how would you rate the pre-sex state using a scale of 1-10.

Also you may ask your partner to engage in prolonged foreplay to increase your level of sexual excitement.  I have encountered cases wherein women do not reach orgasm simply because their partners forgot to spend time with foreplay.

So next time you have sex, do not engage if you feel that you are not going to enjoy it. Allow yourself to reach the 6 to 10 rating for your pre-sex state and spend more time on foreplay.

Good luck...

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Johannes

Expertise

I have the ability to give mature and appropriate responses to questions regarding adolescent and early adulthood sexuality. Inquiries regarding gay and lesbian activities will be answered without moralizing on my part and will be purely gender sensitive.

Experience

I am a clinical psychologist with an MA in Counseling as well as a college educator who specialize in sexuality, and had been doing lectures, seminars and actual classroom teaching regarding the topic for more than 15 years. I also have a weekly radio program that listens to sexual, emotional, social and personal problems of adolescents and young adults that they themselves cannot discuss openly with peers or members of the family

Education/Credentials
BS-Psychology MA-Counseling

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