How to Deal with Sex Problems/Fetish problems


Dear Azure,

I am 24, and my husband is 26. We have been married for three years, and dated for 18 months before we got married. I love him totally, he means everything to me, I'd do anything for him, and I know he feels the same about me.

I have one particular fetish that turns me on, and only that one fetish does anything for me. Speaking frankly, I'm a fat admirer I enjoy watching people eating and gaining weight, along with elements of humiliation. My fantasies about this fetish often don't even involve sex.
The problem is, I don't enjoy exploring this fetish with my husband. I can't enjoy my fetish unless I can pretend that there's some "truth" in it that my partner is as gluttonous as he pretends to be, etc. I can't stand to think of my husband that way, it feels like I'm degrading him, even though I know I'm only pretending.

Likewise, I am also turned on by the thought of being on the receiving end of my fetish that is, me being the gainer, and him humiliating me. But again, I can't stand to think about this with my husband the thought of him being disgusted with me, because I'm gluttonous and indulgent, is something I can't bear to explore with him (even though I know logically he'd just be playing the role for my benefit). However, with anyone else, it would turn me on exponentially if they pretended to be disgusted with me.

My husband and I have explored my fetish a little (with me as the gainer), but it made me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to carry on. I have tried over and over for the last four and a half years to think of a fantasy involving my fetish that I would feel comfortable with us exploring, but I just can't think of anything. When I'm alone and pleasuring myself, sometimes I can carry on thinking these thoughts, about us exploring my fetish in different ways, till climax, but once I have climaxed, I feel terrible for hours, sometimes days, like I've humiliated myself, or him. It's such a crippling come down it's not worth thinking about these fantasies.

When I was 18, before I met my husband, I had a particular boyfriend (also 18) that I explored this with, who wasn't into it sexually, but enjoyed food and would happily eat as much as I wanted him to. The sex we used to have was explosively amazing, and I would love to be able to have a sexual relationship like that with my husband, but I just can't. The difference is, I was never in love with this boyfriend, so it didn't matter if I felt we were degrading each other. I feel nothing but affection for that boyfriend and wish him well, but he was just a fun boyfriend. I love my husband so much, and thinking of him that way appals me.

As far as my existing sex life with my husband goes, we explore a lot of things, I do my best to please him, and I do enjoy sex to an extent even if it doesn't include my fetish. I am as certain as I can be that I am pleasing him. Also, I have never told him that the only thing that really pleases me is my fetish, so I always pretend that I'm totally into the sex we have, even though it doesn't really excite me that much. That may sound dishonest, but I don't think there is anything wrong with it after all, lovers often do things to please each other that they don't necessarily enjoy themselves, and I only see this as an extension of that.
But being honest, if I gave my sex life with my ex-boyfriend a rating of 100%, I would give my sex life with my husband a rating of 35-40%. I would love for it to be 100% with my husband.

I have no other problems thinking of my husband sexually in any other fetish dominance/submission, role play, Sadomasochism; I am completely happy to try all of them, and I have no issues about degradation or shame. But none of them really excite me. I have had this fat fetish for literally as long as I can remember, and I have always felt ashamed of it. Even though I know it would be very helpful for my sexual relationship with my husband if I could be comfortable with my fetish, what I would like best of all is if I could be completely cured of my fetish and just enjoy normal sexual things. With that in mind, are there any other fetishes that you can suggest that I could try, that I might not find so shaming?

What should I do? I don't want to talk to my husband about this, mostly because I really feel it's a problem entirely in my own head, so nothing we could say to each other could help the problem is entirely my own. Also, it's not the end of the world for me; my husband is so perfect, I love him so much, that even if I never get as much out of our sex life as I would like, I'd never consider leaving him or anything like that. But at the same time, I do feel like I would be a better lover if only I could find something else we could explore together that really turned me on. I would feel like I really could give myself to my husband truly and honestly, which, because of this sexual problem, I don't feel like I can. I also feel guilty for having had better sex with my ex-boyfriend.

I would appreciate your advice very, very much. Sorry for such a long question, and thank you very much for taking the time to read all this.

interesting question; you're right, just telling him with no further action taken doesn't make sense; plus, you'd be asking him to do something quite unhealthy--not a good choice; you've rationalized "faking it", but that's certainly not optimal either; i can't recommend "substituting" because to me these tendencies can be addictive and not condicive to advancing true intimacy; essentially, you'd be still faking it, using whatever illusionary means to disguise the fact that the sex with him is lacking; however, this is what you signed up for; my feeling is your ONLY credible option is to seek the counsel of a therapist specializing in sexual issues to hopefully help you to eliminate that fetish and replace it with less harmful activity; at this stage it would also be time to consider bringing him into the loop--honesty creates intimacy, deception doesn't...

How to Deal with Sex Problems

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