How to Deal with Sex Problems/New sexual problem
QUESTION: Hello Doug,
My name is Jason. Not sure if you can help but thought I would reach out. I started dating this girl long distance in August. The first 2 trips together everything was great and intimacy was very good. During the 3rd trip everything was going well but then unfortunately we had a huge blowout...we were not exclusive at that point and she discovered by accident that I was talking with other women. I thought it was pretty innocent and i was not sleeping with or dating anyone else, however she totally freaked out and as a result i felt very ashamed and humiliated and i must say that the experience was fairly traumatic because it happened out of nowhere and her reaction to it was very intense. Anyway, we had many discussions and after that i told her i wanted to be exclusive and she started to trust me again, even though it was a rough few days.
One other mentionable...she is unable to have orgasms from intercourse. In the past I was involved with 2 other women that had this same issue and for whatever reason it made me less sexually attracted to them and both relationships fizzled.
So we resumed intimacy and everything was ok..then out of no where i started experiencing sexual problems..unable to get and maintain an erection...it didnt happen every time but it did about 6 times (in a 1 week period). i literally went soft while inside her or when she was performing oral on me. this created more stress and drama. anyway we were together for a couple weeks and I then had to leave. we have since been talking frequently and i plan to see her again soon, however i find that i have absolutely no libido since. usually i have a very high sex drive all the time and fantasize about her but for weeks i have felt nothing. So my question is does this sound like a physical or psychological problem? Also i do tend to get down in the dumps this time of year with the cold weather and being indoors so much, so maybe that is contributing to the problem as well. I havent masturbated in weeks and literally had to force myself this morning and wasnt that into it. Anyway I would appreciate any advice.
ANSWER: That sure looks like a lot of drama in what could be a more casual relationship. You should agree at the outset whether you are going to have an exclusive relationship, and if not, how exclusive it should be. You could have avoided a lot of drama by doing that.
You are also being very narrow-minded by not being attracted to women who aren't orgasmic in intercourse. Many women are in that situation. There are also plenty of women your age who have never had an orgasm at all. You ought to sympathize and work at increasing the likelihood that they'll have orgasms instead of putting them down for it.
I think the LDR thing is part of your problem. You are getting very stressed out sexually by having to perform so much and so often for these bursts of time. You would be better off if you had a local girlfriend that you could have intercourse with a few times a week and not have to put all your energy into these flurries of sex.
Masturbating is good for your sexuality. When a male masturbates often, he tends to want more sex. When a male doesn't masturbate often, it diminishes his sexual appetite. So I think you should enjoy yourself about once a day when you're apart from your LDR and then take a few days off right before you see her. You will notice the difference after just a few weeks.
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QUESTION: Thanks so much Doug! Appreciate your feedback. Yes it is an unusual situation. we met while i was in LA for business and I reside in Atlanta so its been challenging, but I do care for her a great deal and she is becoming a best friend to me. So does what I describe sound more psychological than physical?
ANSWER: I think it's mostly in your head, but there is a physical component to being sexually exhausted and mentally stressed out by a trip. Just keep up your strength and don't wear yourself out either by being overly sexual or keeping long hours and doing all kinds of physical exertion the day you're having sex. It's OK to not have sex every day you're together too. Keep a clear head and don't anticipate sexual trouble; you'll only help bring it on.
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QUESTION: Thanks so much Doug! I also had the flu all last week which wiped me out and just starting to feel better now :)
I think you're getting a handle on what can mess up your sexual performance: basically anything. If you keep a cool head and don't overdo things, you will be better off in bed. I hope these ideas give you a new perspective on your LDR. Sex should be better than it was before.