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How to Deal with Sex Problems/Man stuck in sexual childhood

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Hi,

Although I am finding this hard to research, it can't be all that rare since I have now met two men in this position:  

A man who was obviously sexually abused as a child who then becomes a child in terms of sex.

The first guy I got to know was obviously abused at age six and had been forced to perform oral sex on a woman. When it came to sex he was a six year old, and knew it. It was so realistic. It was not play acting. His face would go into expressions that you can only see on small children. When it came to intercourse he said he just concentrates on the fact that he is being hugged. He wants to perform oral sex on women to please them and that is the only way he knows how to please them. He begs to be able to. This guy was so obvious that I did not even begin to get involved with him. He of course had a therapist whom he never told that he things he is a six year old.

The second is my 49 yr old boyfriend. His fantasy woman has little skinny arms, no,chest, no hips. He was a virgin till he met me. His fantasies have never involved him having sex or even touching a woman. His only fantasy is watching two girls from a high school class wrestling, with the skinny one helpless on the bottom. He wants to wrestle me and he goes into a childish voice and repeats 'you're stuck' and 'what are you going to do now?'  In his fantasy the woman/girl he is holding down wets the bed. He mastubates with a blanket which he gives a childish name: woobie. He also sleeps with it scrunched up under his neck like hugging a stuffed animal.

When we first encountered each other sexually he would concentrate on the parts of my body where a woman has fat and a child doesn't, and say it was fat and I am fat. I weigh 108 pounds at 5'5" and am not fat! By the way it doesn't help that he has Asperger's because he is very blunt... Or maybe it does help. He was intrigued when I first took off my shirt -- I do have a flat chest-- but within a month he did not find my body sexy. When asked he said he likes holding my hand and thinks my hair is pretty. And when it comes so intercourse... Well, we did. And the next day we were messaging and I asked him how it felt not to be a virgin and what eh thought about it. One would hope for something positive and happy. What he wrote was 'I am glad it was you,' as though it were something that had to happen and at least it wasn't someone icky.

Oh also he is afraid to have his mouth touched and hated kissing. We are trying to go really really  butterfly gentle slow. But he violently jerks his head back when I touch or kiss him and even the rest of his face is 'scared.' And he hates water on his face.

I am not sure if I have lain out all of the evidence, but it appears to me that he was abused as a child. He had a psychiatrist who said he dresses like a 7 yr old and I think he meant he acts like one because sow,times he does. Though a lot of that is Aspie. Anyway I think he was held down by an adult when he was young. I think he was taunted and I think he wet the bed. And I think the man tried to force or did force his penis into the child's mouth and perhaps when not, came on his face. Just my guess.

So what the hell do I do? I am a 46 yr old sexual woman who needs a man who thinks I am sexy and wants to do more than wrestle and hope I pee the bed. Actually I have performed oral sex on him several times but in two months we have done nothing to bring me to climax. Cuddling is good.

And now that I have figured this put I feel like a child molester!!!!

Anything you can say. Books I can read. The type of therapy he needs. What I can do.

Thanks,

Natasha

Answer
Dear Natasha,

I am a bit worried when you said that your boyfriend has AS.  This means that he is a lot different from most people and that is something that you have to understand about him since you already have a previous knowledge of his condition.  People with AS need more attention and understanding than what others would normally need.  I am sorry (and I really feel awkward) to say this but if you are expecting that he would be an ideal sexual and intimate partner, chances are you are not going to get it from him because AS is a cognitive as well as a developmental disorder.  Your partner needs more social and emotional support from you than he needs sex.  He may not become an ideal sexual partner for you for the reason that right now, he has no ability to manage and deal with it unlike most people do.

There are many types of therapies like behavioral conditioning, skills development training, etc that can be used to help people with AS but these procedures are not guaranteed to help them become like ordinary people.

I think it would be a lot better that next time he visits his therapist, you can go with him (with his consent) so that his therapist can explain to you what AS is all about and possibly make a program that would require your involvement. I know that this can complicate everything for you but your partner is in a situation where the smallest amount of care and understanding from others will help him a lot.

Good luck and God bless.


Johannes  

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Johannes

Expertise

I have the ability to give mature and appropriate responses to questions regarding adolescent and early adulthood sexuality. Inquiries regarding gay and lesbian activities will be answered without moralizing on my part and will be purely gender sensitive.

Experience

I am a clinical psychologist with an MA in Counseling as well as a college educator who specialize in sexuality, and had been doing lectures, seminars and actual classroom teaching regarding the topic for more than 15 years. I also have a weekly radio program that listens to sexual, emotional, social and personal problems of adolescents and young adults that they themselves cannot discuss openly with peers or members of the family

Education/Credentials
BS-Psychology MA-Counseling

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