How to Deal with Sex Problems/Porn?

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Question
Hello Azure,
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and we have a good sex life, although it is mainly on his terms like when he wants it and when he's in the mood. Quite a while ago, I found out he still watched porn and I told him how I was offended by it because we were always having sex and things like that, so I thought 'well I mustn't be good enough for him', which upset me deeply. he also has some photos of me that he claims he uses but then says 'he needs more than that'. Recently, I found out he still does it and when I was asking him about it, he was saying he has 'needs' and said at the time, he didn't think about how much it would upset me, even though I'd asked him to stop before. He knows I'm a very insecure person, when we first began getting sexual I would get upset because I hated my body and I would never let him look at me properly, but this has gotten better over time due to me being more comfortable around him. we had an argument about it and he just can't see where I'm coming from, when I'd turned it around and said 'if I was looking at photos of other guys you would be offended too' but I think because he's a guy, I'm sorry to sound sexist, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Is it wrong of me to be offended by him watching porn if it makes me feel bad about myself? Do I have the right to stop him? Please help me,
Georgia

Answer
in a relationship, anyone can state what his/her REQUIREMENTS are in order to go forward; so yes, you have a "right" to inform him, but then what?..if he won't voluntarily stop and you're unwilling to leave over it, you back to square 1; the subject has 2 sides, so there's no objective right or wrong, and only YOU are responsible for your feelings; if his actions were negatively affecting your sex life or other parts of the relationship, then your request would certainly have more merit; if that's not the case, then we have your insecurities and reasonable disdain for what you see as sorta cheating, vs his desire to do it; so he then has to decide whether to give up the habit out of consideration of your feelings, or continue and ignore them; since i doubt you're ready to dump him over this, i'd suggest having a dialog with him as to making your sex life more "mutual" and not just on HIS timetable, and agreeing that the subject be kept "private", without you're asking or him telling you about it; irritants like this that you really can't do much about, are best kept out of sight, out of mind, until they hopefully become irrelevant....

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work...technical editor, "dating for dummies";thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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B.A. Bates College (psychology)...graduate study Fordham University School of Social Work

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