How to Deal with Sex Problems/Asexual or Turned Off?


Hello - my name is Bethany and I have been sexually active for four years (I'm 24). In this time, I've never had an orgasm from my partner's actions. I don't feel anything from penetration, and when they try to give me clitoral stimulation, it's only mildly pleasurable at best. I usually climax from a combination of stimulating my clitoris myself during penetration, and exerting a lot of mental and physical effort (mentally I try to imagine some other erotic scenario and physically I usually have to tense up). I feel like sexual satisfaction is dependent on "vicious cycles". If sex was pleasurable for someone early on, then they become mentally turned on at the concept, which in turn makes their body aroused and more receptive to pleasure. However, if you haven't had pleasurable experiences, then there isn't the link in your brain to find sex arousing, and so you're body isn't aroused and this fulfills the "prophecy" of not having a pleasurable experience. At this point I'm wondering if I may be asexual, or I just have no desire/attraction to sex or my partner as a result of this vicious cycle. I've never found people particularly sexually arousing, but I am aroused by watching sex in pornography. Any advice? Thanks so much!

Actually it sounds like you just haven't found that right person. Having the right lovers with the right skills and chemistry can make all the differences in the world when it comes to sex. Since you clearly find the sex act itself arousing, as you mentioned porn, you clearly are sexual.

One thing to explore is act out scenes you find arousing in porn and role play.

As to the lack of vaginal orgasm, that's very normal- only a minority of women can actually get those, and among those that can even less can do it regularly.

How to Deal with Sex Problems

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Johnny St. Tai


We often ask questions of the unseen and unknown, but most of the times, we're the ones that hold the key. I'm a counselor in family/sexual relationship, anger management, and self help, and have been for upward of ten years. I'm here to help you see the blind-spots that you've missed, and guide you toward the light. I'll research your problem/s/ and maybe even offer phone counseling if you so desire. Don't ask me about future, I haven't bought my crystal, haha. Don't ask me medical questions, without examining your medical history and person, I cannot answer such- best to seek out a local professional to be safe. Sex is a wonderful thing, so let us try to make it so.


Ten years of professional and voluntary counseling works have shown me much. I have walked with many others through various issues, some obvious and simple, some nearly impossible to imagine.

Richmond Chimo Crisis Center

Interpersonal/Social Relation Specialist, University of British Colombia Socialwork, 2005.

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Over 500.

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