How to Deal with Sex Problems/I Really Like Sex
I'll begin with the background information:
I go by Art. I am 25 and male. My girlfriend is 22. She is in school to become a librarian and I to become a psychologist. We have been together for a year and we're very happy together. The only problem we have is that I deeply enjoy having sex. And while my girlfriend has assured me that she always enjoys sex when we have it, the vast majority of the time she just doesn't want it.
It wasn't always like this. The first two months it seemed she wanted it almost everyday. Then at some point she just stopped being interested. Since then, there was one week, while we were visiting family, that she briefly wanted it daily again. There has also been a couple of times that she wanted to have sex about once every 2-3 days. Other than this, she typically will want sex roughly once every 2 weeks, give or take a week or two.
I still long for sex every day.
It hurts her to know that I want something she can't share with me very often, and it hurts me every time I feel horny, because it reminds me of what I wish I could share with her.
It has been bewildering her as much as it has been stumping me why my girlfriend's desire has been the way it has been. We are both just not sure what we can do to change things.
We tried reading a book together, called Come As You Are, by Emily Nagosky, which brought us some success in feeling more comfortable talking together about the issue, but not much in the way of her wanting sex more. I've also read a few other books on the subject, all of which have been illuminating, but none have had the answers I'm looking for.
We're both willing to try just about anything at this point. We just want our desires to be more in synchrony the way they used to be.
I ahte to be the bearer of bad news, but here is the straight of it:
In many cases, men and women in roughly the same age group will not truly sync sexwise. Men in their teens and 20's or even 30's want it all the time while women often do not reach that level of sexual wantonness till after 35.
Many young women still like sex, especially when it's stimulated by new things, new surroundings, but soon as it grow static, they quickly lose interest and rather do something else that's more fun to them- such as watch TV.
Change is the key, and unfortunately, while it is possible to change things up every so often, it is not practical to do it every day.
Here are your options as I see it:
1: Just realize that at this point you probably will always want more sex than she does, and deal with it yourself and just enjoy the other factors in your relationship.
2: If sex is really that important, find someone else who is more compatible.
3: Come to an understanding that people don't always just have sex when they both feel like it. It can be a compromise like everything else- as long as she is willing to have sex with you even when she's not all that horny- and after all, why not? It makes you feel good, and part of a relationship is about how to make the other person feel good and it's not always about our selves.
Here's an example. Giving someone a massage is hard work, and the person giving the massage often doesn't get any pleasure out of it. But, I gladly do it for my partner because it makes her feel good. And even though I don't physically enjoy it, just the fact I'm making her feel good is enough of a mental reward that I gladly do this task.