How to Deal with Sex Problems/Sex

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QUESTION: hello Azure. My fiancÚ and I just had a baby a bit over 2 months ago. We are both very proud parents to a beautiful baby girl! Nearly everything in our relationship is going good. The one exception is sex. Before the baby, she had a good sex drive. It matched mine! And we had been pretty darn happy and fulfilled in that department. Now that the baby is here, our sex life has taken a massive blow. My fiancÚ tells me I need to try harder on "getting her in the mood ", and to me, it feels as though I'm to blame for her not wanting sex, simply because I can't get her in the mood (believe me, I've tried EVERYTHING, but get shot down each time). The doctor also gave her the ok to resume sex about 4 weeks ago. I've asked her if sex is painful or unpleasant, but she says no, that she simply is no longer in the mood.

Lately we discussed this. I told her my concern that she no longer needs sex. She tells me that sex is and should not be a priority in a relationship. She then says things like "we can still be intimate in other ways, like holding hands and cuddling on the couch ". I told her that that may work for you, but I want sex, and that I miss it. She then tells me that she is worried that sex is all I care about.

I just am not sure what to do. I feel as though my role in our relationship is to be an emotional and financial supporter, and nothing more. It's been a tough transition, for both of us. Being new parents and going from a spectacular sex life to a non existent sex life. I will be marrying her soon and I am kind of getting second thoughts about it. Marriage has always been in the picture for us. Both our goals and expectations to make a satisfying marriage last have been in-sync, until recently that is. Her views on what is needed to maintain a healthy marriage has changed since the baby was born. Sex, sadly, has been downgraded to very low on her list of priorities in a marriage. I'm hoping this is a temporary feeling on her part. I don't know what to do. I'm going to "tough it out" and hold on, but not sure, any longer, if marriage is the right course for either of us right now.

Sincerely, Jared.

ANSWER: i totally agree as to your concerns...her attempts to blame it on some character or technical flaw on your part, shows she is in total denial as to the cause of this, which has to do with HER; you need to "inform" her that this could be a dealbreaker unless she agrees to see the importance of sexual intimacy and begins to accept her responsibility in the matter; it is not uncommon for some women to get like this after childbirth, but the 1st step to solution has to be recognition there's a problem; i'd suggest counseling with a therapist that specializes in sexual issues...she should also see an endocrinologist to evaluate hormonal status....if she refuses to cooperate in this manner, then she may not be the right person for you....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Azure, thank you for your reply. I have suggested we seek some type of counseling for this issue, however, she tells me that she already knows what the counselor will say, and assumes the blame will be put on her. I have told her that us seeing a counselor has nothing to do about blame, but to help us figure this issue out.

I have not considered an endocrinologist. Thank you for the suggestion! I am glad, however, to know that her lack of sexual desire is not my fault for lack of trying to get her "in the mood". It saddens me to think, that in the past, she would initiate sex about half the time. There was nothing greater than coming home to a fiancÚ that was pulling me into the bedroom. I long for those days to return, sadly, I feel they will not. I know the whole counseling issue will not work, I'll try the endocrinologist route and see where that takes me. Sometimes I think I am "jumping the gun " about wanting our sex lives back the way they were. Am I expecting too much in this way? A friend told me that 8 weeks postpartum is still too early to expect a return-to-normal sex life.

Thank you again Azure. Sincerely, Jared

Answer
in looking into this a bit, it appears a return to prior sexual interest could take several months sometimes...hopefully in return for your patience, she's at least willing to satisfy YOU in some manner; there are alot of websites that discuss this....for more, i suggest you search something like "loss of sex drive after childbirth"...and yes, upon further review, the counseling may not be helpful...with your patience and her willingness to accomodate in some fashion, you could get through this period...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work...technical editor, "dating for dummies";thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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