AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work...technical editor, "dating for dummies";thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
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Education/Credentials B.A. Bates College (psychology)...graduate study Fordham University School of Social Work
Question Last June I married the very affectionate man I had been living with for the past ten years. While everything else about the relationship has gotten better since marriage, the sex is almost non-existent. In the past six months we have gone from once a week to maybe once a month, if I ask really nicely, light all the candles and put on Luther and something revealing. We have discussed it MANY times; he is too tired or too sore or too full from dinner, but he promises he will try and do better. He is not comfortable discussing it with a marriage counselor, our minister (who is also my second cousin) or any of his male family members. He is 53 and I am 35; he is terrified of doctors and has only been to see one once in all the time I have known him. I love him madly and I know he feels the same way but I am not ready to settle for sex once a month for the rest of my life. ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.
Answer you say you're not ready to "settle" for this passionless arrangement, but so far you have...unless you're willing to put some bite into this bark, look forward to more of the same... this is continuing because you're allowing it to..he has to know that the current state of affairs is patently unacceptable, not only by your informing him of same, but by actually showing your unhappiness in whatever ways available..if he continues to resist physical evaluation, especially by an endocrinologist to check hormone levels, and refuses to consider couples counseling, your only options would then be to present him with the ultimatum of taking some action to save the relationship that should be important enough to him, or otherwise living without you...you infer he loves you, but what kind of love allows for this type of insensitivity and non-intimacy ("too full?") to affect a spouse so negatively?...unless you're willing to risk the whole thing, and he believes you, you may never get him sufficiently motivated to do something...state your requirements for continuing, and don't settle for less than you deserve, lest you choose to live your life in quiet desperation...az
