Expert: Pete - 7/22/2007

Question
Hi Pete, I am a 31-year old professional working 55 hours per week.  I am good-looking, take great care of myself, am not tired when I get home and am married to a man who is also a professional and works long hours.  We were married last year and I was a virgin at the time.  I saved sex for him because it was such a precious thing to me and I wanted one man to really appreciate it.  My problem is, his sex drive seems very low.  He's had issues with pornography and masturbation in the past and I know he fights with it even now.  Before marriage he would talk to me about how much it bothered him.  He would cry about it.  I too masturbated occasioanlly...until I was finally sexually active.  I only wanted to be intimate with him after that as it was much more fulfilling in every way.  God I love this man!  I discovered very early on that he was not interested nearly as much as me in sex.  A few times during the first few weeks of marriage he just did it because I wanted to and didn't ejaculate.  I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't into it, so I faked my orgasm to end it prematurely...and hated myself for "lying".  Right now we have sex 1-2 times weekly.  Whenever I initiate it, he doesn't want to so I have to wait until he initiates it.  It makes me feel so rejected.  I've told him how my confidence in myself has dropped, how I feel rejected, that I've been having anxiety attacks (which I haven't ever had) and that I feel awkward in bed.  I still enjoy sex with him but foreplay only lasts about 3 minutes, sometimes not any.  I can still reach orgasm within 5-8 minutes, but they are not as strong as I'd like.  Once I have one, he doesn't wait for me to have any more and gets his.  The first time I broke down about not having enough sex was after I'd placed his hand on my breast and he pushed me away and said he felt so pressured all the time.  I honestly thought I was being normal in my interest in sex, especially so early in marriage!  He said he's always felt so "used" with girls in the past.  He is very good looking but I tried to assure him that it was his heart I fell in love with, which he does have a great one.  We've talked about sex in-depth twice since then but nothing is ever resolved.  During the last talk he said he doesn't think it's wrong for him to not do it because he doesn't feel like it.  He said it had nothing to do with me not being sexy enough.  I'd been crying a long time and was very puffy-faced, felt very unheard, and emotionally drained during that converstaion.  He promptly asked me to put on some lingerie(I have some outfits in the closet I've never worn because he doesn't like them) and when I showed some reluctance to have sex after that conversation he chided me with "See, sometimes YOU aren't in the mood either!"  Pete, that was the only time I've EVER turned him down and it was only because I was in a vulnerable state I am hardly ever in.  I told him that request hurt my feelings and was underhanded.  He got defensive.  I feel like he is passive-aggressive with all this, as if he is angry at me or women in general.  His mother was always mean to his dad and he has never had a relationship before the lasted very long.  I treat him like gold and I think it comes from watching my own mother treat my dad like gold.  I respect him, I don't nag at him, I mean I'm not perfect but I am a damned good catch.  My first priority is him, then my job.  I am just so lonely and it's hard talking to my husband now.  I've talked to him about getting help about his masturbation and he did but then I overheard him telling a friend that one of his counselors said it was no big deal.  Well, the other day I did go back to masturabating because he didn't havew interest in me, and it really upset me.  I told him about it but he just laughed it off, even though it clearly bothered me.  I'm just not sure what I should do.  I am very afraid to have children with him because I don't see a future with him if it continues like this.  Help! And...sorry for the book...

Answer
Hi Leota

Thanks for sharing with me.

I understand from your e-mail that there is a lot going on at the moment in your life that you are not happy about.  I will endeavour to address the main points that you raise.

If needed, do feel free to send me a follow up question.

It sounds as if it is your husband who really has the issues to do with sex, intimacy in general not you.

It is important for you to realise that the only way there is going to be real progress is if he gets some professional help from a sympathetic counsellor who specialises in sex therapy.  Probably a male counsellor would be best.  

Your doctor, yellow pages and word of mouth, will all help finding someone in your area that can help.  

I can only speak for Australia where I live, when I say that there are free services available as well as private clinics, so check out what is on offer near you.

As for your feelings, it is normal to expect that they will be reciprocated by a partner.  

Remember that it takes two to tango and if he is not in the mood that is his choice; so don't feel bad if you need to masturbate for sexual release.

However, it is not fair that he is not prepared to accommodate your needs...it is not ok for him not to support you to have orgasms when it is clear that you are not finished.

You need to be firm with him and explain to your husband how it is making you feel not to have the intimacy that you have saved until your marriage.

You should not be the scapegoat for his past misadventures with women!

I hope this helps.

I wish you well.

Pete.

PS Don't forget to leave a comment & rating!