AboutDoug Staneart Expertise Doug Staneart can answer questions about gaining cooperation from, motivating, and influencing coworkers and employers. He is also an expert on how to avoid and resolve conflicts as well as other issues dealing with long term business relationships.
Experience
Doug Staneart has been a speaker and trainer for over ten years specializing in public speaking, leadership training, and team building. Doug is CEO of The Leader?s Institute® (Leadership Training) based in Dallas and author of the books 40 Ways to Influence People and Fearless Presentations. He has accumulated over 2700 hours of classroom coaching and training and began his career with Dale Carnegie Training® where he was recognized on numerous occasions for superior instruction.
Expert: Doug Staneart Date: 11/21/2007 Subject: Irrational behavior of a coworker
Question Hello,
I am a in-house counsel for a large corporation. Last spring, I relocated to a new office in the US. Prior to moving, I had started to develop a working relationship with the local contract manager. She had been struggling with the local management trying to do her job in accordance with corporate rules and her own believes. I did my best to support her, having delt with similar situation in the past myself.
The next few month after my arrival seemed fine. Her and I were interacting and socializing. She kept complaining about the management and I tried my best to help her and support her.
However, I tend to be rather direct and some people take my words the wrong way.
In August, she started to be extremely cold and rude to me. I asked her what was going on and she starting yelling at me about some things I had told her over the previous months, that my ego was just as big as the ego of the local management and that I gave her the impression that I thought that her job was irrelevant and I was doing all the hard work.
After I calmed down and took time to figure out what she was refering to, I went back to see her and tried to explain what looked to me to be a misunderstanding. And also asking her to tell me along the way when I was telling her something that she thought was offending, instead of keeping it for several months and telling me about it once she was really aggravated and I had forgotten about even saying it.
Things seemed to be better, I thought, but 5 days later, we were talking about a certain issue and I was in disagreement with her. It happens, it is the nature of our jobs!! As I was thinking out loud, I finished my sentence by "does it make any sense?". She starting yelling again that she knew the subject and did not have to be treated condescendly. I am not a native English speaker, so I figured that my closing line could be perceived negatively. But after checking with my husband, he confirmed that I had not said anything offensive.
Since then, the climate is horrible. She does not talk to me unless she has to, preferring to send me emails, even though my office is 5 steps away from her desk, going through my boss rather than me, even on issues that I have been handling.
I spoke with my boss so she would be aware of the problem and would help by not getting involved in issues that I am handling.
But I am struggling: that woman is making my life miserable. Other people seem to go along OK with her, eventhough most acknowledge that she is a little difficult to deal with. Some can(t stand her, but those are the local management members so I did not push the investigation.
She does a good job at her job and even if it is hard for me to work with her, I do not miss one opportunity to tell her that she is doing a good job and to show her that I am relying on her.
But she seems to be getting angrier by the minute and I can see in her face that she does not believe one word I tell her when I compliment her and would rather spit in my face if she dared.
Because of her role and my role, we HAVE to work together. I believe I have done everything I could to make things better. But I am sure there is always soemthing else one can do!! As she does not seem to want to make any kind of effort, so improvement will have to come from me.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTION????
Answer Isabelle,
It sounds like you have already done a lot of the things I would suggest you do, but there is one big thing that you might try. It sounds like, from your explanation, that a lot of the rapport that you built with her came by you giving her advice based on your prior experience in a similar situation.
It is possible that his advice, offered in a friendly and helpful way is the main problem with your relationship.
This person that you are dealing with likes to vent and is looking for a friend to vent to. She is no really looking for your advice. So her perception when you offer advice that she isn't asking for is that, "She just isn't listening to me!"
In the beginning, she would just smile and not say anything, but as it happened more and more often, she would start to develop the attitude that, "You are just as arrogant as they are, always trying to give advice. I know stuff too!"
Chances are, this is the same thing happening with the bosses to her as well. They are trying to help her, but every time that they do, she see it as them telling her that she is stupid.
To fix it, just take her to lunch and ask her how things are going on the specific things that she had brought up before. Fight the need to give advice. Instead, just say something like, "Wow! I'd hate be put in a situation like that... What are you going to do." Then say things along the way like, "I wish I could help you, but since I've never had to deal with that kind of pressure, I'm afraid anything I could tell you just wouldn't work anyway. I've seen you deal with other challenges like this, though. I'm sure you will make it work."
