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Dealing with Crushes/I think I messed up my chances


It's a long story but I'll try to make it as short as possible.

I talked to this guy at college at the start of our second semester. He's a very shy and quiet person so that was why I'd never talked to him before. But I found out he was pretty nice and the next day onwards, he started sitting next to me in class (which he never did before) and paid a lot of attention to me. I started developing a crush on him and felt that he had mutual feelings for me. After a few weeks, I started texting him. He responded very well and that was when we really became close because he's chattier over text and we started flirting. Finally I spilled the beans about my crush on him and he suggested that we "hang out more" and later clarified (in a subtle manner) that he meant he liked me. Two days later, he said he couldn't handle the relationship and said he'd still like me as a friend. I was upset but I didn't let it show and agreed to being friends. We still continued texting but this time, after 2 days, he started flirting with me first. And since I still liked him, I flirted back, hoping things would get on the right track. We'd do this for hours and frankly speaking, I looked forward to our chat sessions. Even in class, his body language suggested a lot. He even went on to "propose marriage" to me and we became "virtually married" and talked about "family planning". He took it so seriously that he'd refer to it in following days! But to keep things light and playful, I'd tease him with a friend of mine. Now I don't know if it was this teasing that got out of hand or something, but he texted one day that I should probably forget about him because he didn't feel the same way about me and he wasn't being attentive enough to me and that made him feel guilty. This time, even though it was the same message as before, it made me cry. That made me realize how much in love I was with this guy. And I couldn't imagine my luck because all throughout my teenage life, I'd never had a guy so interested in me and when I finally found the perfect guy, and when he liked me back, I was on cloud-9. I was in love with him. It wasn't a crush. And then he suddenly says, "I don't think I feel the same way about you." I asked him what the problem was but he kept saying he just had that feeling. And since he's quiet and very polite, he wouldn't say anything more. I was very upset and angry so I ignored him that day even when he tried to send me messages like, "Hey Missy" (which is what he calls me) and "What's for dinner?" (since we live in hostels) and then he got the cue and suggested that we spend time together the next day and talk things out. Except I didn't have time so I didn't go but I texted him about it and he still said that he just didn't think he was right for me but said that I should take my own decision and he wanted to know what it was because he cared about me (his words). Even though we had friendly chats afterwards, I could see that he'd stopped sending me random "Hi"s throughout the day like he used to and he seemed a little more distant (or maybe that was all in my mind because no one else noticed the "distance", apparently) and he took more time to respond to texts. Finally I got tired of waiting for his messages (or even, replies to mine) and burst out at him (via text), very angrily. He insisted he had been very preoccupied which is why he hadn't been able to get back to me or anything but I couldn't see why he couldn't even reply with a, "Busy right now" message. It would've cleared things up. To me, it seemed as if he received the messages, saw them and didn't bother replying. And every time I go online, I see him online. So it's not as though he's never with his phone. I later apologized for my harsh words (because the whole conversation from my side was pretty heated). After reading the apology, he did say, "All fine". Today, when I went to class, I saw his bag in my place and put it on his chair while he commented, "That's my bag" from where he was standing and talking with his friends. I smilingly explained that his bag was in my place which is why I shifted it. And as soon as the teacher was supposed to come in, instead of taking the seat next to mine, he grabbed his bag and rushed to the back of the class and sat with his friend (something he rarely did after the 2nd semester had started). I don't know whether my reply had hurt him or he was annoyed about yesterday but his action made me feel very embarrassed and upset. I didn't let it show on my face and still pretended to be very normal, laughing with the other students sitting next to me and he did talk to me during break as though nothing had happened. But I'm still worried that my juvenile behavior about his texting habits made me wonder whether I had just ruined every possible chance of him liking me again (if at all, he did like me before). What do you think of the whole matter? Do you think I'm over-thinking? He does take more time to reply to my messages now and on New Year's Day, he'd told my friend that he was texting his female senior from school but at the same time, he told me he was just texting me. I had this ray of hope that he was probably telling himself not to get distracted by crushes or relationships so he must've thought that distancing himself from me would be a good way to start and that actually, he did like me but he was lying to avoid any advances from me and to prevent himself from thinking about liking me. But after yesterday's fight, I don't think he even wants to talk to me because now he may think I'm a control freak or that I'm needy. He may think that I'm not worth it since I'm so immature and he needs someone more secure. I'm worried he's decided that I can't even be a good friend since he does not know when I'll burst out (but I did manage one of his tantrums before this big fight. We're both kinda short-tempered). My friend thinks that he thinks I expect more from him which is why he's being distant. I really want to fix things up and take them back where our relationship was so much more friendly and not uptight. We had a sort of flirtationship, actually and that was so much more comfortable than this platonic level of interaction. But I'm not sure how I'll take it back there. As of now, I'm taking things slow and asking him questions like, "How was your day?" and not using my special nickname for him or anything because maybe it would make him feel uncomfortable. But what do you think I should do? I really like him and don't want to forget him or even stop crushing on him. I'm an optimist who thinks that we'll get there in the end but I'm very impatient as well. He's the first guy I've fantasized about getting married to and having kids with. I don't usually do that but I know I like him a lot which is why I had such thoughts about us. What are your thoughts on this and how do you think I should go about this matter? Do you think my theories are right and he's trying to distance himself? Or do you think I'm over-reacting?

P.S: I'm so sorry about the long question but this matter couldn't be cleared up in shorter sentences. It's a very emotional time for me right now because of this and I had to put down all my feelings.

Dear Sanjna,

Before anything else, I was wondering how old you are. I am guessing you will be 17-18.

From your long mail, I understand that you have feelings for him. However I also think you are getting over obsessed about him. I mean it's fine if you love him, but then please remember that love is not life. There are so many other things to do in life like a career, hobby, friends apart from this guy.

Each of us is different. You should not try to change yourself for someone how much ever you love him/her.If you are trying to change yourself just to please him, it's unlikely to help you in the long run. Also, having so many expectations from anyone is not a great idea. When you love someone, it is natural to have expectations. But the lower you keep them, the better for you. If you are expecting him to behave the way you want for everything, then you are not letting him the way he wants to be.

I also feel that since you love him so much, you are over analyzing things. I mean he could have decided not to sit next to you for multiple reasons and may be to tease you. You shouldn't get worried about these. The more you worry, the more complicated they become.

As I told you earlier, I am not sure about your age, but I get the feeling that you are looking too far ahead. ( when you talk of marriage/family planning etc). Life is a long game. There is every chance that you will meet better guys than this guy in the years to come. I am not asking to just keep waiting for the Right guy, but I am suggesting you not to plan too far ahead.

Fantasies are called fantasies for a reason. They might or might not happen. If we you end up marrying this guy, it is not a good idea to bother so much about it. I appreciate the fact that you are Optimist but that doesn't mean you have to get stuck on this guy 24*7. You can like or love someone while living a fulfilling life that is not dependent on them.

I would suggest that you have a 20-30 minutes conversation and ask him what he thinks about this. You can then decide on how to go about this. Irrespective of what he says please do these things going ahead.

1) Be yourself and let him be himself
2) Don't over-analyze or plan all your life now. Take it slowly
3) Live a life even when you are not with him

Hope this helps.


Dealing with Crushes

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I can answer questions related to crushes. I believe I can help teenagers about the problems and difficulties that they have when they get attracted to members of opposite sex. I don't think I will be handle questions on physical relationships and sex.


I am 29 now and I have faced such situations during my teenage and even after that. Based on this, I consider myself adept to be dealing with such situations.

I am an engineering graduate in Computer Science. I have done n M.B.A in Communication Management.

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