Dealing with Depression/possibly chronically depressed?
Okay, this is kind of a long story so I hope you don't mind. Hereís some background, Iím a 19 year old girl, in college, and I've always considered myself a realist, with a pessimistic edge, but I always thought that I was just being practical, not necessarily depressed. But I've been noticing things lately, and it got me thinking, maybe I have a problem, should I really be so...self loathing? so I did some internet research and I know, I know, internet research is hardly sufficient backing, people can put anything on the internet and sites like webmd can convince the healthiest person that they have cancer. But that's why I'm writing to you, I know you can't give me a diagnosis, but before I make a big fuss about this, I'd like to know if there's actually a problem to fuss about. Iím sad all the time, constantly. If you ask my friends or family, theyíd say differently, I seem so cheery and happy, but itís just a mask, it slips off the minute they leave. Iím filled with self-hatred and constant doubt and the worst part is, I donít know why. my parents were incredibly supportive and loving, always. I was mildly bullied in school, but it was a brief episode, hardly even a semester in middle school, I have no reason to hate myself so much, and yet I do. I constantly feel like I canít do anything right, Iím no good at anything, a failure and a waste of space. When people compliment me, my immediate assumption is that theyíre only saying it to be polite, not that I donít trust them, its just that, why would they compliment me? When I take a test, I assume that Iím going to fail, regardless of how much Iíve studied, and when a guy flirts with me, I think to myself that thereís no way heís hitting on me because why would he be interested? Even my humor is self damaging, I usually make jokes that make fun of myself and the things I do. Theyíre pretty funny, I have practice, I use humor to deflect from stressful/uncomfortable situations, but many of my funny jokes are pointed at insulting me. I try to think positive thoughts but its justÖ.I can tell that Iím lying to myself. How do you convince your brain that youíre beautiful or smart or something when its youíre brain thatís the biggest bully? Iím always tired, regardless of how long I sleep, whether itís a few hours all the way up to 12 hours, I just feel like I havenít slept. I know Iím in college, so obviously sleep is rare anyway but this has been happening to me for so long, longer than I can even remember, I just always feel so tired and sad. And worst of all, Iíve tried to hurt myself 3 times. Not recently, its been years, Iím out of that place, but the first time I tried to do it was in the 6th grade. And again, nothing was wrong with me, well nothing major. My parents loved me, I had great friends, no bullying, no nothing, I was struggling a little in classes but it shouldnít have been that big of an issue. But I felt so damn useless, so stupid, like I couldnít do anything right ever and that there was no point in me being around because I was a big fat disappointment to everyone and maybe things would be better if I was just gone. Even now, sometimes, when Iím feeling worthless and stupid, I kind of just hope that maybe Iíll get hit by a bus or something. I canít kill myself, I love my family so much and I know it would hurt them, but if its an accident then Iím not around to be ruining peopleís lives and no oneís upset or feeling guilty, right? In college, Iíve got a roommate, and I love her too, sheís a sweetheart and a great friend, she helps me all the time, with classes, with boys, with everything. And all I keep thinking is that sheís me, just the 2.0 version. Everything about her is better, sheís smarter, nicer, funnier, more athletic, more involved, more sociable and I know she isnít trying to rub it in my face or anything, sheís very modest, but it makes me feel even more crappy, I canít even be myself correctly, thereís someone out there who is better at being me than I am, so what good am i? i just donít know why I feel like this so often, like I trapped in my head and something just keeps telling me that Iím no good, worthless. Is this depression? Is this the reason I feel like this? Or is this just my personality? Because thatís what I thought for the past 10 years. And if this is depression, is there anyway I can manage it on my own? Without medicine or involving my parents? No medicine because Iíd rather not, I donít like taking pills, Iíve never done drugs or anything, and I donít like the idea of having to take a pill. And I donít want to involve my parents because, well, theyíve got their own personal issues going on right now, and again, I know theyíd be very supportive and loving, but I donít want to add to their stress. And if this isnít depression, any idea what this is/how to fix it? Or if it is even repairable?
Thank you for reading all of this, I know its long, and thanks for any help you can offer,
There may be something you are leaving out of the story. People with negative self-talk often have a negative or critical parent or some unresolved loss, trauma, or conflict. If you want to give me more details you can respond to this questionnaire or just fill it out for your own information and healing https://www.box.com/s/mpmp5ml1egrhr08flgha