Dealing with Depression/i'm falling apart
a lot happened in my life and i feel a lot older than 20 years girl, when i was 4 my mum decided to leave my father ,and have divorce..( he was a drug addict) no one stood by her side, her brothers kicked her out and her mother just watched ,i was 5 and my little brother was few months old..we lived in a garage( cold and hungry),we suffered a lot ,no one cared not even my father he just threatened of stealing me from her which made me panic back then for a long time,anyway she officially got divorce when i was 8, and my father came to see me then..i blamed him for not seeing us for 3 years.since then i never heard from him.after that my mum remarried and found a proper house to live in..little by little things moved to the best ,right now I'm in medical school ( which was my dream ) i started to be more social and open ..BUT ..2 months ago everyone stated calling telling me that my real father is dying and he want to see us ( my brother and me), i refused simply because it was unfair for my stepdad who never thought of us as another's man kids..but he himself asked me to go..it was a really hard experience to see my real father after 12 years and i felt that I'm breaking to pieces between not been mean to a dying person and not hurting my stepdad who was their..for days after i got really depressed and a week ago i heard he died my uncles didn't even tell us until he was buried ..sine then i feel much worse ..i get worried over little things ..start crying with no reason and i hate people more now , i think i had depression before and i always worry too much but things got worse now..i don't have any motivations at all i feel so messed up and i don't want to burden my mum more..maybe i did something wrong ..should i be sad for his death? ,,is it ok if i stay normal?..i always have these thoughts,I'm trying to hide the current me ..but i feel i'm breaking from the inside..i don't have any real friends , other girls always avoided me i realised the reason when one of my friends told me that she looks like a bug when she is with me because I'm so beautiful, i always had a confidence problem so i was a little shocked ..so i realized that other people sees me as close to perfect..its really lonely
sorry for talking too much but I'm just scared of loosing my life to this
thank you so much
You hardly new your birth father. What you did know about him was laced with negative impressions; drug addiction, long term absence from your lives depriving you of bonding with a strong male figure in your early years, he was the blame for the environmental hardships you suffered as a child, he was the cause of abandonment by the extended family reducing what external support you had in times of hardship, he threatened stealing you away from the only stability you had where you lived under harsh poverty-stricken conditions, a culmination in his later days were to drag you to a death bed where you did not want to be, and he created internal conflict within you over the confusion you have regarding how you should react or feel under these circumstances.
Tradition says, he was your father. However, reality says, he was not a nice person! When you look at the real person, it is quite easy to overcome the pitfalls of tradition. Basing your feelings from a perspective of reality, it is natural that your feelings do not mesh with traditional values. No one could feel any differently than you do under those same conditions. What a person sews, so shall they reap! For you to visit him despite his behaviours in life is a feather in your cap, it must have been very difficult to perform that action under the scrutiny of his bad life and the suffering, pain, and hardship his actions imposed upon you and your family?
Since your stepfather supported the decision to visit your dying father, I doubt your stepfather is anything but proud of you for the strength and bravery you showed through your actions of respect for your stepfather's suggestion. To visit your dying father against your own wishes based on the respect and love you had for your stepfather is admirable to say the least.
You should not hold yourself in any kind of wrong for the way you do feel. You exhibit conflict and confusion over how you "should" feel, despite your saintly actions. Perhaps there is a sense of powerlessness over unresolved closure regarding certain feelings you may have repressed concerning your fathers failings in your life? These repressed feelings, if not expressed, can sit within and cause undeserved stress, confusion, guilt and can affect self esteem in a negative manner.
on my blog you can find some information on depression. After you read that we can discuss depression on a deeper level if you would still like more help.
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