Dealing with Depression/Depressed


QUESTION: Hello Doctor,
I need help as I am a highly aggressive person with recurring depression which causes me to loose my self control.
I am a married woman and because of my aggressiveness, m loosing it out. I generally become aggressive in my day to day communication and when my husband argues with me again and again or blame me for every wrong thing.
I just now realized that I am going mad. Sometimes I feel like throwing things or leaving home permanently or even suicide. But, I control myself and release my anger by crying a lot.And, after that I just go into depression mode.
This is happening with me since childhood. Whenever someone ridicule me, make fun of me in a bad way or blame me for the things I have not done, dicourage me or when someone is doing something wrong with others, some one force me to do what I don't want - all this start happening to me.

In childhood I got such attacks when my mother ridiculed me. Then in college- when boys mistreated,then when my boyfriend(first and last)left me and now m feeling this with my husband since last 2 years. My husband is a very manipulative, sarcastic and negatively criticizing always.
Not only me, but all the people in world are dumb except him and probably his family- this is his view which he never directly said. Initially I tried to love him, care for him, worried for him. Everything is in vain, as soon as I started yelling on him for his negative comments,he made the same image of me and everytime even if I don't say nything, he provokes me intentionaly and then the drama goes on. This aggressiveness I have got from heredity as all my maternal and paternal families including my parents are aggressive.I know this is the only weakness I have because of which everytime nd everywhere I am lagging behind.
I am a highly emotional person and with all these things I am going mad.
Now, my question is how do I deal with all these things.I can't share with anyone that I am depressed and need a counselling, people here in India just don't understand these things at all.
No one in my family knows about my depression attacks and how I feel. I can control on my aggressiveness only when a person support me, love me and encourage me. People say don't live with discouraging and negative people. My husband is like that only and i have to be with him only now.
What can I do to curb by depression and anger. Please help doctor.

ANSWER: Hi Shipra,

Anger and depression are natural reactions for anyone who is ridiculed, taunted, forced to do things against their will, falsely blamed, manipulated, and constantly criticised. Facing such things on a consistent basis makes it understandable as to why you feel the way you do and often find it hard to cope with the stress created by the people and events in your life.

I placed a small wooden hoop on the ground and surrounded it by several other hoops. I noticed that I could arrange things that were in the first hoop like leaves, small rocks or twigs to suit my liking, to make their presence within my hoop more appealing. Other things such as small bits of paper or other garbage I could either move to the perimeter of the hoop or remove those objects altogether. I had total control over what I could do to my circular hoop.

I also noticed that the other hoops had this same ability of change within them. Many of the things in these other hoops also had the ability to affect the appearance of my hoop depending on the distance between my hoop and theirs. Some hoops that were close to mine had more of an effect this way and the further away these other hoops were the less of an effect it produced over mine. I also had control over these other hoops and their ability to affect what happened in mine.

Using this analogy helps me to simplify the more complex matters in life and aids me in finding solutions from the truth values that are revealed within such simple models as hoops.

The hoop represents you. The hoop becomes a model for your "center" of existence. The objects within the hoop are those elements that exist within your environment, people like family, your spouse, friends, co-workers, or places like your home, your place of work, your country, or the events in your life like past, present, and future. You can move anything you want anywhere within or outside of your hoop (your environment). Some people you can keep close. Others you can move to the perimeter, or some others you can chose to remove from your circle altogether. You have total control over this decision making process!

The other hoops are representative of those other people in your environment who also possess this same quality that you find within your own hoop. Everything that is in their hoops has an effect on everything that is in your hoop. If those other people bring negativity into your hoop and adversely affect your center of being then you have the ability to move them to the perimeter or remove them altogether. You are free to make those decisions to make your hoop better and suitable to your liking. The chose is yours!

By looking deeper into the analogy of hoops you start to realize the power this gives you. You begin to understand more complex patterns within your own circumstances through the truth that is revealed from examining simple models such as hoops on the ground and what is inside them. Everything that a person has within their environment has the ability to negatively affect what happens within your own. You have the ability to alter your own environment by moving some things further away from you or by removing those objects totally from your environment. You can look at other people and see what they bring into your life that negatively affect you and make decisions on where those people or objects should be in relation to you. You have total power and control to make these decisions, and using this simple analogy you can build upon the power it gives you and you can extend the truth it reveals to you.

Anger is one of those things in your circle that you can alter. Realizing that anger is the product of what others bring into your circle you can then see that these things need to be moved further away from center, or removed.. like sarcasm against you, manipulation against you, harsh words against you.. all these things can be altered by you without letting anger remain in your circle. Anger simply becomes one of those things you remove from your circle by removing those negative things that cause your anger.

Seek to understand. Study this simple model carefully and consistently. The truth hidden within this model is transposable across the spectrum of life. The lessons and truth it reveals opens new horizons to understanding yourself and those around you. The truth sets you free and it also instils a power within you that you may have not recognised that was there all this time.

Here on my blog you can find some information on depression and how to overcome it. Contact me again if you have questions or need further help.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Doctor,

I understand you point. But as you said,I have the power of staying away / removing the negative influences.I don't have that power. In our Indian society, we neither can stay away from our husband nor can we take a divorce.  I can not even think of that. The problem is that some people can take the things easy and some can not.
I know people around me who make me understand that if my husband is discouraging me or saying something negative to me, I should just avoid the things. But the question is till what limit can I avoid these things.

I also want to tell you one thing that I strongly behave in gender quality and when I argue on even very small points with my husband, it is considered wrong. And, everyone including my family supports this thought that Husband is everything to you. You just can't argue on that.
I am a well educated person, I have my own mind, why in the hell would I agree to every illogical thing said by my husband. But, everbody wants me do that only.
One more point, due to my anger and aggressiveness, I sometimes (when provoked) behave rude and in disrespectful manner. This always goes against me. And, I know that's the only negative point I have. In our society those girls who either don't speak or argue very politely are good, Everyone else is bad. Now I have this aggressive tone, even when I am not fighting. I don't think I can ever talk to someone in a polite way.
And, that is the problem. When we fight I turn aggressive and he is very polite even when saying bad things and it seems that only I am the one whoz fighting.
I need to control my anger, aggressiveness and have to be very polite. Which is a next to impossible task for me. Please suggest.

Hi Shipra,

Here you can read about a new bill on divorce in India.

Here are a few more links that deal with divorce law.

You do have the power to make decisions concerning your life and future. I am not saying divorce is what you need but the option is there and you should research all your options, divorce being one of them.

Moving people to the perimeter or removing them from your circle does not necessarily translate into divorce. In one of the links there is mention of "living apart" which does not mean you have divorced but have chosen not to live under the same roof. This living apart equates with the analogy of moving objects to the perimeter.

Freedom from the influences that cause your anger and aggressiveness permits you time to gain a new perspective on the world and the people around you. If you surround yourself with good, supportive, and kind people you are taking control of your life and good things will continue to grow within your circle because of what you chose to bring in or keep within your circle. If you let the negative influences rule your thoughts then that is your choice and there are repercussions associated with that choice. You have felt the effects of that negativity and you realize the need for help to overcome those influences. If you feel this need for change then it is best to face some hard decisions to evoke the type of life you envision for yourself.

The cognition that you have about your situation ("I need to control my anger and aggressiveness") may not be the only perspective that relates to your situation. Rather than viewing the problem as being one of controlling your anger and aggressiveness, try viewing it as controlling the environment that causes them. Subtle, but the viewpoint can make all the difference in the world in the outcomes. The first viewpoint you are owning the problem; blaming yourself for the reactions you have. The second viewpoint, you are dealing with the cause of the anger and aggressiveness: looking externally for the cause and then altering those influences. This second external locus of control permits you to shift the blame from yourself and natural internal responses (which are normal under the conditions you describe) to external stimuli that can be altered to effect a positive change within your environment.

To deal with the first viewpoint, that you feel the need to control your anger and aggressiveness, then remember this: thought and the power you give it is the root of all aberrant (abnormal) processes. Control the thought and you take back power and control over your reactions to external stimuli.

Read through my blog on depression? The information I provide there relates directly to the first viewpoint: thought, the power you give to them, and how the issue of anger and aggressiveness that you mention become problematic for you because of the thoughts you entertain. In any case, the depression blog is a must read for understanding the power of thought and how it affects your every action regardless if you have depression or not.

Here on my blog you can find some information on depression and how to overcome it. Contact me again if you have questions or need further help.

Dealing with Depression

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Amper Sun


Depression, anxiety, self esteem, guilt, loss, grief, spiritual uncertainty!


Thirty years treating individual, families, at-risk-youth in counselling and psycho-therapy.


Master Practitioner of Counselling and Psychotherapy - M.P.C.P. designation.

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