Dealing with Depression/Recent suicide attempt.
This year, a week before Thanksgiving, I made plans to go to a nearby lake to drown myself. I put rocks in my backpack and secured it around my arms and waist, then I went under. After about a minute, the pressure in my head and chest became unbearable. I had an uncontrollable urge to resurface and I managed to untie the backpack. After that, I went home... I haven't told anyone about it. I've been meaning to tell my parents, but I'm not sure what to say or how they'll react. (I have a history of melancholic depression. I'm taking medication to treat it, but I've only gotten worse. We can't afford additional therapy.) How do I tell my parents?
What I’m going to say may sound paradoxical, but you need to really think about it and also feel what I mean.
1) You need to realize that you desire life, not death.
2) You need to realize that death is what you are presently experiencing and calling life.
Now this isn’t anything new, as you have been aware that something is wrong with “love and life” for most, if not all of your life, and hence, your melancholic depression. The problem is that you don’t know how to deal with the world as it is, that has gone mad, where people, lie, deny, avoid and omit being truthful. You have been trying desperately to fit in, but can’t, and so you think that there must be something wrong with you.
What you tried to do is to end your physical existence and is what people call death. The death I’m talking about is death that is created by denial, and how you slowly kill a part of yourself every time you are in denial of expressing what you really think and feel, (in the moment) and instead, put on a phony act, pretending that things and life is okay. You are, and have been living a lie, and is why you are in the mood you are in and feeling depressed as denying, lying and pretending “acting” are not in your nature.
You will need to talk to your parents and not only tell them what happened… but why, and I’m not talking about the “why” of what you felt before thanksgiving day that made you try to end your physical life. The “why” I’m talking about happened years ago when you were a child. You have been depressed for years and so you need to express everything that you have been holding back and inside you all these years. I very much doubt that both of your parents are non-feeling, non-emotional people, so you should connect with one of them at least that can help you.
But before you do, you may want to consider downloading my free eBooks from my website at http://shenreed.com/index.html
I’ll be publishing version (2) of Book 1, and will also be publishing edition (1) of book 2 and book 3 in a week or so, so you may want to drop back and pick up the new ones. To start, you may want to start with book 2 - My Journey - Three Levels of Healing - Feeling, healing and understanding Emotions http://www.shenreed.com/download/book2_pre-publish1.9.pdf
and read Chapters 21, 22, and 23, and then go from there.
If you have further questions, you know where you can find me
PS: I keep getting that you should watch the movie “The Matrix,” the first one, and pay particular attention to the scene where Neo sees the woman in the red dress.