Dealing with Depression/depressed
Helo, thanks for taking your time to answer my question.
My name is Ed, im a 21 year old male.
When I was Little I was a fat kid, shy, and quiet.. I was picked on till the age of 17. After that I decided to loose weight. People started to notice, specially girls! :)... well I started to hang out with one and she said I was weird and dumb because I didnt talk and I was shy. Well that hurt me a lot, and that was going through a lot of girls. Well that was the past....... a while ago I started babystting as a side job. It was an 8 yeard old girl. The little girl got attached to me really quick and I noticed that she wanted to go everywhere I went. So regular sitting went by and I saw myself started to talk to this little girl. Every word I said, I was not afraid of getting judge or made fun at. The little girl will just laugh. Well the little girls mom and my mom became really good friends. So I was spending a lot of time with this little girl. She was like my little sister. She looked up to me. And I liked that. Months passed and my parents friends( not the little girls parents) started to call me pedophile and a creep. I was really devasted when I heard that. In my mind I will never and it has never crossed nothing in my mind that will make me do something to that girl. in fact i have even bathe her and i have never thought of anything bad. In my heart i really love this girl but in a protective way. So i tried and stop taking care of her
Her mom was pretty upset that i stop taking care of her. She said the little girl always talked about me and that i was her best friend. I wanted people to stop giving the dirty look, evev my parenrs stared saying it was kinda weird for me to be hanging out with her to much. So I stoped looking her. But for some reason I was feeling sad and depressed that I wasnt seeing her. Why? I dont know. I guess I like the fact of someone looking up to me and that I could be myself. So I was seeing her like 3 times a month. I was extremely happy everytime I see her. But what is this feeling that is happening to me? Sometimes I dont even know why im depressed. This feeling has beeing going on till now. What is going on with me. Is there something physiological with me? For some reason im shy and quite when im around people but when I see her I just act myself.
I detect a lack of ability within you to recognize the important differences between your concern and questioning over your confusion relating to your feelings about not seeing this little girl and the serious allegations of paedophilia directed at from your parents and their "friends". You are more bothered about the lack of connection with this 8 year old girl than you are with the seriousness of the paedophilia accusations. Your questions are related to depression over missing this relationship with the 8 year old female rather than the anger you should feel over the "false allegations" of paedophilia. This oversight in ability to recognize important features of normal responses is also evidenced in the accepting attitude you display towards a 21 year old male bathing an 8 year old female (who is quite capable of bathing herself at that age). The fact that a 21 year old is babysitting also supports this inability to recognize social norms. I am sure that many different age groups babysat who are male like grandfathers or other family members, but it is not tradition for outside males to babysit children. It seems others around you who are aware of the situation are able to recognize the unacceptability of the scenario except you. Had you asked about the confused feelings that cause you to feel depressed because of the alleged accusations of paedophilia, then that would have generated a different response than what it is generating at this moment.
I have some reservations about the mother in this situation. She seems to exhibit the same inability to recognize acceptable norms within the decision making process. Is she aware of the allegations levied against you? Too, does the child’s father know that you are babysitting his little girl or that there are allegations being levied against you of paedophilia? Very serious allegations... and a potentially volatile situation!
It is nice to be able to open up and be yourself. When that only happens around an 8 year old it pinpoints an area of serious concern. Soon you may find yourself surrounded by "8 year olds" and totally incapable of responding in a world of adult emotions. An 8 year old does not understand this world at that age and they become dependent on the adult figures in their life. That dependency leaves them vulnerable. If that authority figure is incapable of responding in a world of age-equal peers where does that leave the minor?
I would suggest that you make contact with a trained professional within your area to address the differences within this schema. If your root cause of aberrant quiet, shyness, and depression is related to an inability to relate on a level within your own age group due to the judgements you experience then you should do your utmost to address that issue before you have any more contact with children.