Dealing with Depression/Why don't I have no feelings or emotions?
Well ever since I can remember I have had to feelings or emotions
When my friend sister got killed by a mad man I did not even blink a eye, when 2 of my long term school friends got killed did not feel anyway about it
When my 4 year old nephew was on life support close to dying on life-support, when I looked at him did not feel anything just normal'ness
I am not sad/depressed or anything like that, I laugh at things I find funny and I live a normal life.
Never felt love/sadness or any feeling like that
girlfriend and we been going out 3 years now (but would do anything for her but have never felt love or anything)
I have no feelings towards my brothers but I would do anything for them
I am 21, healthy
Never met my mom before my dad and her broke up with I was 1 years old
Got kicked out by my dad at 16 been living alone ever since.
Have 3 brothers (all got kicked out by my dad also) that are all in jail age 22 24 26
I have also been diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia,
weakness in phonological awareness and also has some difficulties with short term auditory and working memory.
I have also had had a Statement of Special Needs which was issued when I was 13. This statement concluded that my special educational needs are in relation to: ‘behaviour difficulties, play, social communication and interaction skills, attention and listening skills and literacy skills. It also stated that I was in the gifted and talented set for ICT’.
Some of the above was copy and pasted from my Assessment
I have started taking MDMA, when I am on it, It makes me feel happy and that I got all the emotions
(Don't take it all the time, only when I have money to buy it)
I did try and kill myself once (took 30 painkillers) was not said or not just wanted to test myself to see what would happen (nothing happened woke up the next morning fine.
I sometimes just cut my arm with a blade just because I like the way it feels
I don't have anything on my mind, I don't think
Interesting that you say you have no emotions (lacking empathy for others in the case of tragedy or death) except when you are on the narcotic MDMA. The fact you "feel" when you are on this drug proves you are capable of feelings. However, something in the brain is not being connected normally in a way that it should without the assistance of artificial means. MDMA is empathogenic drug that produces emotional and social states that approach euphoria, hence the feelings of happy you experience, or whatever emotion you are likely to feel, while under the drugs influence. Despite the added benefit of feeling due to this drugs effects, one should never treat blindly, or self medicate, as doing so has its own repercussions and outcomes. MDMA, although highly illegal, is being tested in many countries for its therapeutic benefits but it seems a long way off for clinical trials in North America, other than on the street, by street psychologists trained at the school of Hard Knocks. I am not sure I would trust their credentials if I were you.
Without MDMA, I suspect you still feel at some level, or you may not be so inclined to "do anything for your girlfriend, or brothers" despite the claim of not feeling love, etc., for them. Loyalty is a product of feeling based on the thought you entertain regarding certain people. If you did not have a thought based on the feeling of "like" then the loyalty would not be there any more than the feeling would. I would look to develop the mental connection with the thoughts surrounding your loyalties, without the use of MDMA, to help form or strengthen existing links to that basic emotion as a building block for greater emotions.
The cutting, is a tool which you use to bring the possibility of feeling a closer reality than not, just like the way you use the MDMA. They serve a purpose to you. Both have the same objective; to feel, even though they seem unrelated on first glance. They both generate feelings at some level. This high risk behaviour also could explain in part, the experimentation with overdosing on painkillers. The need to test is underlying all three of these behaviours. Testing for limits, testing for self-reaction, testing for something that works. All three echo desperation.
Neural pathways in the brain either do not form correctly, do not form at all, or they become blocked which prevents natural chemical reactions from actualizing like they should. Hence the other difficulties you mention (ADHD, Dyslexia, memory issues, etc) result from the inability of the neural pathways to link and function properly. The feelings that surface while under the influence of MDMA, if not pinpointing the problem, then at least it hints at what might be causing all these difficulties. Something in the brain is getting connected differently under this drugs influence which permits the existence of real emotions. Whether that is through the forming of new neural pathways, or unblocking existing ones, the possibility for reconnecting to the feelings exists, it is just a matter of how one goes about establishing a treatment that is right for you.