Dealing with Depression/Afraid of having BPD
So recently I have been afraid that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The self-diagnosis stemmed from my Girl Friend of 3 years cheating and leaving me for the other man. This possible diagnosis terrifies me because it seems that it is so damning, the websites describing the illness seem to make those suffering from it out to be these evil monsters. I am so scared that I would cause that kind of harm to those I love. I am in the process of seeing a therapist, but I want some initial advice, as getting an appointment is taking quite a while.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
ē Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
o I donít really exhibit any of these. Iíve never done drugs, driven risky (too much wasted money on gas), gambled, or had sex outside of a committed (always protected) long term Relationship.
ē Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
o I have in the past engaged in self-harm (in High School), and after the Break up I started up again. I just hated myself so much, I wanted to almost punish myself and cover the pain. I was able to stop after the initial shock so to speak, and havenít for months.
ē Wide mood swings
o I donít really have mood swings. Iíve been down for about a year, but Iíve really just been feeling really sad (stemming from the break up), or worried (about having this illness, if I hurt my ex at all.)
ē Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
o I guess the feelings are intense, but they by no means are short. I have been feeling the depression/anxiety for months now.
ē Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
o I rarely get angry. The only time I got angry in the relationship was when I felt neglected and confronted her and over-reacted. I raised my voice a bit and ask if she would rather I leave the relationship. It was stupid and once I calmed down I regretted it. When I do get mad, it is with myself, more often than not, I will mutter curses stomp around or hit myself.
ē Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
o I tend to be in control of my emotions. I never direct them towards others. I am very un-impulsive and tend to overthink things. I guess the only emotion I struggle to control is sadness. Sometimes it is tough to be happy, I guess I let my situation get to me.
ē Suicidal behavior
o No behavior. I do (after the break up) have feelings that I want to die, but would/could never act on them.
ē Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
o Yeah I feel that quite often, lately. It has been getting better as I have been trying to reach out to friends, but still. I am afraid that they donít like me or want to be around me. I then tend to avoid contact with them so that I donít burden them.
ē Fear of being alone
o Iím afraid that after this break up, after my friends moving across the country for their jobs (which I am happy for) that yes I will spend my life alone. That or because I have BPD Iíll never be able to have a good relationship again.
ē Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
o Iím not too happy with myself, because I lost this woman, Iím struggling to find a full time job, things arenít working out quite as I planned and worked towards.
ē Unstable view of self.
o I tend to be pretty static in what I believe in, and what I want for myself. I can hold jobs ect. I am definite in my sexuality.
ē Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings.
o I donít identify with this at all.
Gosh sorry that was long winded. So what do you think, am I screwed? Also one of the DSM IV things is ďwide mood swings.Ē What does that mean exactly? I think that illustrates my problem, Iím trying to pin something on myself that I donít totally understand.
Thank you for your time
From the description that you gave about yourself , I do not think you are suffering from Boderline Personality Disorder. You seem to be depressed. Getting over a relationship of 3 years can be tough. But time heals even the deepest wounds. You have to have faith and focus on the positive things that life has to offer.
Since you are not impulsive and you have never harmed your partner before, your fear about harming your loved ones is simply your preoccupation .Hurting yourself when you feel sad or depressed is not healthy and can be dangerous . So whenever you feel desperate , try to provide an outlet to your emotions by talking about it with your close ones.
Wide mood swings mean rapid and extreme changes in mood.