Dealing with Depression/Serve Depression + Racism + Death
Dear female Doctor Patricia,
I am James,
Not from white race.
Not from Black race.
21 years old,
****I saw something about prejudice, caucasian,african american words in your profile and you looked very kind and wise to me****
Here I start ...
Since more than 4 years I am having problems with my mind.
I feel life is not perfect,only sad and I feel very unhappy, Sometimes sad but no reason, and feel I have nobody. Even I talk with my mother it is temporal happiness. After talking again sad. I have NO friends since childhood.
Since * 2012 * I feel those things and increased things for bad side.
Day by day I feel more worse than good...
Doc, I am suffering from serve depression. Other experts said.
(Feelings of unhappy always, death thoughts,worthless ,excessive sleeping, and other symptoms)
--------------->> I said my mother many time I do not feel good, she always blamed me, and asked me, what happened to you, You have food to eat and do your works and neglected me much, I do not know from who I ask this, My mother always say "you are sick", "You are lame", "You are afraid","You are weak", "You cannot do anything", "You born because of my sin", "In this Samsara I wish never have children like this", "You are cruel", "You only have mouth,no works" .."You are very lazy person", "Your future is dark", and She always say she want death after 5 years and she swear I will not care about her when she is old...She say she want death and life not good..and She never cared about me when I want her. I said her many times and she believe that I cannot have sad things because I do not have life problems like her and She mock me..She laughed at me and neglected me..She is NOT kind...and few times harshly neglected me... I have nobody...Please help me...I think she is saying the truth ...maybe I am useless child...
As other experts said im having serve depression, surely you also think it.
Doctor, In here night and i cannot sleep. I feel life is not perfect.
Since in mother's womb im not happy person, She suffered much because of me,I born in 8 months because of accident And My father dead when I was 7 and mother went for abroad for six years and that time her brothers did hurt me and my sister much.
Im.afraid to world, I feel very unhappy.
I am science student and I had hope to find very good white female and live in another country, I believeD that there are noble whites live...I tried finding friends from other races and All became junk...I am not white,Not black, not latin,Im brown Asian. My mother hate me much much much because of keep hopes about white females. She try all ways she know to block me...
After talking with more than 3000 whites (via email, skype,facebook,etc) I fed up...because more more people I met were very bad people, disrespected me much ,underfoot me much, blamed me and said my race is low and idiot said my color is odd and said we are poor and whites are the power of earth..and many many many bad things.
My hopes for future lost.
I never accept female from same country and Im good person, I cannot hurt another person for satisfy my needs. Our culture female virginity valuable. I am good person but going to darkness ...But I dislike to hurt..for today.
I failed things to achieve.
I failed finding good white female or foreign female who has high level of humanity.
I failed my life same as my mother say.
I failed my exam because I feel unhappy and cannot hold memories and unable to concentrate ,I always think happy future. .
In my mind everything contradicting.
** Sometimes I feel make a deal with Lord Satan and genocide white race arrogant females and guys. I do not know why,I like to see blood now, see whites die...Im happy that people not accepted me as friend and rejected me die painfully...torture them, burn them in hell...
I begged whites to be my friends and said i feel lonely, but many neglected me much, blamed me,said you are sick,said harsh words, blocked me..I begged many times not to leave me alone ....At last my email inbox silent.
** Or I want death.
Many times I asked my mind to exit from body ...
I feel very bad, I simply want death now ...Many times I filled my eyes with tears and sad.
My hopes for to be happy in future diluted much faster.
I cannot live anymore.
I want die...life is not good,
Females are not faithful, marriage is suffering, whites are arrogant, just wasting oxygen, why I still breath,
As I know little about psychology I did Imagination that A beautiful skinny foreign very very funny female keep my head on her lap and say about her life and I sleep she love me much, We go parks,we eat together, we play computer games much, She is very happy, We do work together, She and I make foods, and we help people, share water bottles and foods,and we hike and I see her pee while hiding, we both cycle and race, I kiss her much and many many many imaginationz.
But Now I do not find white females are kind, specially rich...and those who are in psychology section are kind because they taught to be kind ...
Im.really unhappy about my life.
I never been much happy.
My last hope was finding good foreign female was diluted by white people. And my mother hate me and we not suppose to love whites, It is offensive to our race and culture.Those who accept white in relationship constantly get bad names from society. Because our culture is very moral culture, no mini short clothes, and no bikinis no nude beaches very very very less clubs.
I feel very very unhappy.
I do not have enough energy to live or find girlfriend or any.
I was afraid to kill me, because Buddhism says killing self is hell...but Satanism is helpful because Satan may help me...
Im really unhappy about my life.
I cannot go to hospital, because I have no money and in here people think Im having problem with broken heart (because im about that age)...people mock much.
My mother is happy...she make phone calls with outsiders...and she laugh and talk...but she not have time for me.and she mock me.
More years I felt that life is not good ...now it reaching peak..last time I failed my exam that was life changing exam...im unhappy about too..
Nobody with me..
Nobody care about me.
Cyanide can kill person when in sleep, but I dislike my mother cry near my coffin and say "oh my beloved son,why you left me" ......that is unfair ..because this time i want her.but she not love me, her life is sleep and phone calls and be happy with them and blame me and cook.
Tell me something please.
I still hold breath because Im not dumb but I feel leave everything and deep sleep is happy.
Thank you very much.
You can make choices for yourself. You need to. Because if you keep doing and thinking the same things over and over the more depressed you are going to get. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will get the same results.
So, what must happen? Change. If you cannot afford a doctor, maybe there is some place that does have help for those with low income. You do need to see a counselor and have someone to talk to. This will help you a great deal.
Do, call around - try calling the Salvation Army and ask if there is free help. Also, there might be a "First call for help" phone number (look it up on the internet for your city).
Being alone is only going to make things worse and you will continue to think negative thoughts about life.
So, please make some phone calls for yourself; look up help on the internet for your city where you live.
Hope these ideas may help you.