Dealing with Depression/I think there's a lot wrong with me
Firstly, I'd like to apologize, because I feel as if this is going to be forever, and thank you for at least looking at it.
Well, to start, I can't remember one single time in the past year or so that I've been happy. I'm not sure why, but I just feel, upset. If I'm not overly stressed out and downright miserable, I'm seriously angry at everyone and over everything. And the worst part is, I've been trying my best to keep it in. I smile, I act happy, live as normally as I can all day, then, at night, I just feel the weight of everything come crashing down and sometimes I just don't feel like living anymore.
Another thing is, I have serious 'mood swings' per say. For example, one day, I feel as if I cling to one particular friend and completely adore them, and the next, I just absolutely hate them for no reason, like, them just being next to me gets me annoyed, and I get like this with almost everyone I know, and while I try to pretend that everything's ok, it really isn't.
Also, I feel as if I'm not really sure of who I am. I've always lived up to other people's standards and ideals, especially my parents, and been the 'perfect child', and I've never really had I chance to really do what I want. I'm not restricted per say, but the pressure I feel to be what everyone wants me to be just forces me to do just that. I also feel as if I'm forcing myself to be a different person around the people I know. I have to be a million different people in a day, but none of those people is who I really am. Then again, I don't know who I am.
Then, I'm having serious self esteem issues, and not quite the normal 'I'm not good enough' kind. It's almost the same as how I feel about people, except slightly more severe. One minute, I love myself, I like what I see in the mirror, I feel cute and everything, then, maybe later that same day, I feel hideous and worthless and I just hate who I am and everything about myself.
Lastly, I have serious trust issues, I think. I want to tell someone how I feel, I really do. But I don't want everyone to know. I feel as if I want to just tell one person, but I don't think I can trust them to keep things just between us. Somehow, through this, I've gotten a bit paranoid, to the point where I don't even want to say anything at all about myself around anyone. And lately I've been having this strange feeling that all my friends really aren't my friends and they don't like me and I don't like them. I feel as if they're just using me, and I think all my paranoia will eventually ruin all my relationships, because I just can't get close to anyone anymore. And I really want to. I really want to just let it all out, but I can't. And it's killing me inside.
I'd really appreciate it if you can give me some advice, because I've just reached a point where I need to get some feedback on how I am with an actual human being other than myself.
I'm so, so sorry this is so long!
I am sorry to hear about your mood swings and your ups and down with anger and liking a friend and then hating them. You are going through a very difficult time.
It sounds like you may be suffering from a mood disorder. You may be suffering from what is called "bi-polar" disorder. Read up on this on the internet and see if some of the symptoms sound like you. Type in the search engine: bi-polar symptoms. Also, a good website to go to is: depression central by Dr. Ivan Goldberg. He has a wealth of info on mood disorders.
Besides educating yourself, you need to see a doctor that specializes in mood disorders. That would be a psychiatrist. You can get an assessment to help find out if that is what you may be suffering with. Psychiatrist specialize in mood disorders. He or she may prescribe something to help you. Sometimes people who suffer with a mood disorder do not take their meds yet they need their meds. So, if you do need meds, please take them.
Hope my suggestions help you.