Dealing with Depression/Help with my mom
I'm 28 yrs old married with 2 kids. I'm an only child to over protective parents. In 2007 I lost my dad in a horrible car wreck. When I lost my dad we were not on good terms. In fact we weren't talking b/c of the person I was dating who I am married to now. The issue is I have been trying to deal with my depressed mother. I'm at the point where I have no patients, feel guilty, and can't sleep at night.
Since I've lost my dad me and my mom are like oil and water. We can't seem to spend time together without arguing about something stupid. I love her to death but after she lost my dad she has changed so much. I chose to be the strong one and try to take care of things so that my mom would be less stressed out. But in doing so I was going to school full time and working a full time job. I used to sit with my mother for hours after work talking about how she missed my dad and her feelings and how she needed me to fill up her cup of happiness b/c it was empty. To this day my mother likes to tell me that I wasn't there for her an that she has no body. In reality I moved back in with my mother for 6 months after my dad. My mother can be verbally abusive at times lashing out me.
Family members would call an invite her out and I could clearly make out that they would ask if I wanted to come and she would quickly answer that no I'm not going. She would then get of the phone get ready come to my room tell me she's leaving and leave. This hurt me but at the same time I knew she wasn't right.
The countless times I've tried to be there I'm always met with I have my own life to live and that I don't have time for her. I do so good in the being at trying to cheer her up but then I become aggravated because my attempts always get met with I was never there for her and that I don't understand; It's different losing a husband a posse to a father.
I'm longing to be closer to her but it's so hard when she pushing me away by needing me to be around her 24/7. I understand she is lonely but I've come to the point where I'll distance myself just to keep the peace between us.
I feel that family members are termed of my mother and are scared to approach her.
My mother just started going to counseling and called to talk to me today telling me she wanted to talk and that we could do it over the phone but she really wanted to talk in person. I responded if we could just talk over the phone and she began to cry how I don't have time for her. I declined to meet her in person because honestly I wasn't up for a conflict even though I wasn't sure what she wanted to talk about but when she tells me she wants to talk our talks don't always go well.
She sent me this txt message "One of the reasons that I wanted to see you was because I wanted to start fresh with our relationship. Nothing else. I wanted to tell you that I needed you in my life but not in a smothering way. I needed to know that someone loves me unconditionally and that I as a parent need to let you live your life the way you choose to live it. That's what the counselor told me. She said I'm scared and holding on to tight. I wanted desperately to see you and tell you what she made me see. Especially with this pain that I'm having right now. But you have a way of pushing me away when I need you the most. Maybe it's my fault. I'll take the blame. I won't bother you anymore. I'm tired, I'm real tired. I need to be around people that can build me up not kick me and kick some more when I'm already down."
I later found out today the pain she was having was from a muscle spasm. I've been upset all day because it hurts me that she is hurting and can't give her the love she needs even when I try.
What you need to do in this case is to find a balance point, and have a pre-determined set of conditions that both you and your mom can agree to. If either of you cross the line or violate the conditions, then do a "time out" untill things settle down. You need to be firm within your boundary and at the same time, be willing to help her build hers.
Example, mom, you know I got other things i need to take care of so, I can't spend as much time with you as you or I like, so how about from now on, I'll come see you one day a week, that day I'm all yours, we can do whatever, talk about whatever, but outside that day, you need to understand that I have other obligation as well. or something like that.