Dealing with Depression/I'm so confused about my sexuality, depressed and lost
QUESTION: I don't know where to begin.I am 24 yrs old,female.Pretty much all my life I struggled to fit in All my life i felt i don't belong here.I always felt I was different.When I look in the Mirror I couldn't relate with myself I feel as if I don't know myself.When I was 14 I started developing feelings for same sex.I thought it was normal but my friends started making fun of me then I realized something's off with me so I suppressed whatever feelings I had so much so that I started hating myself.I started skipping school,I started avoiding friends,I stopped socialising. I somehow finished my masters degree and now want to pursue further studies but this avoiding general public is hampering my growth .I start freaking out in public places So I avoid going out I always feel as if people are judging me.it's been 8-9 yrs since i have been struggling with depression and anxiety.I avoid talking to my parents they think i am a disappointment and I just don't want to add more misery to their life .I have two brothers they are over achievers .I confided in my brothers that I am struggling with my sexuality my younger bro is supportive he listens when i talk instead of judging me.My elder bro is very judgemental and he outed me to his wife so now I feel betrayed too now I am dealing with sibling rivalary too..I don't know why my life is such a mess I don't know how much more I can take..I don't know what to do.I know I need help but I don't know where to find it I come from a small town we don't have any good psychiatrist.I am lost and need help..
ANSWER: My suggestion is to look into a foreign exchange student program where you can go to another country, where there is no family to judge you, where you can be your self.
There is nothing wrong with liking your own sex...it is quite normal actually.
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QUESTION: hello sir,
First of all thanks a lot for taking out time and attending to my querry.Second of all I feel as if I haven't really communicated the crux of my problem.The thing is I am not very comfortable in my own skin.The whole notion of being with the person of same sex freaks me out.Even though I am attracted to them(romantically yes sexually i am not so sure,and I don't find men attractive at all..I like them as human beings that's that).I can never tell how I feel to anybody .I tried to interact with some people who were like me the moment they tried making any advances towards me I chickened out (because I though it was gross).I don't see what's the point of my being.I can't get married.I can't have kids.I will be lonely all my life. I am from India btw . It's kinda big deal in India if one is not married(especially girls).I don't want to cause my parents more disappointment(pretty much i have been one because of all the weirdness I have in my personality) all they want from me is to get married and settle down and I can't give them that either It breaks my heart.I am tired of Lying and I am not ready for the truth(the truth is gonna have so many consequences and I don't want that for myself.I didn't plan that for myself)I want to have a normal life, without demanding any understanding from my parents,I want my kids to have a normal life,I want everything that is considered normal.But I guess my main cause of suffering is what I want is in contrast with what I can have and I just don't Know how to deal with it.I just feel so uncomfortable.I don't know if i'd ever be able accept myself
Now,as a result of all that drama I mentioned above that is going on in my life from ever since I can remember I am suffering from clinical depression and it is effecting my day to day life.all day I do practically nothing I don't go out, I avoid all kinds of social gatherings.The time I should spend in making my career I am hiding from the world and trying to figure out what is going on in my life.because I don't see what's the point of doing all that I Feel so hopeless.I am standing on sidelines watching life pass me by.I don't know how to explain this to u but I feel like I don't exist.At times when I go out(which I avoid but when I have to) I feel like as if is this real? or am I in a dream.That is the only time when I feel I am alive then I am lost again.Nothing that takes place around me evokes any emotion in me.It is the worst kind of loneliness because I don't feel comfortable with my own self.The world is not on my side(I don't blame them)but the worst thing is even I am not on my side.
Now,as I mentioned in my last experience that I shared with you that we don't have any good psychiatrist around so I took it upon myself to figure out what is going on.So I took a few online tests on borderline personality disorder and I think I have a lot of symptoms of borderline personality disorder.I know I shouldn't rely on this and it is not conclusive and I cannot really determine that without professional help.But I still mentioned that just to give you an insight.
Like you suggested that I should look for some foreign exchange student program.I want that so bad I want to get out my country too but the thing is the world is not my oyster at least that's how I feel right now.The state of Mind I am in right now I don't give a damn about my future.I feel trapped, I can't be myself at all, I act in a way that isn't true to myself.
I don't see any hope in my life, maybe I should never have been born? I am tired of everything, being so close to human contact yet unable to make contact, because Im always just wrapped up in my own thoughts of loneliness, nothingness, meaningless, pointlessness, and dissatisfication with life.
Where shall I go from here? Please help .I don't even know what question this is, it feels like a rant about my meaningless life
You are looking at this from too broad a view. Too many problems, too many complications, no answer in sight.
You must settle your mind and take things one at a time.
First thing, as I mentioned, is to change your environment, because without a new beginning, a new surrounding, a new outlook is hard to come by.
So you must now take a leap of faith, and look for that one program that will allow you to get to another city, another country, where you'll find better psyc, better outlook, and a new start.