Dealing with Depression/I'm sorry for everything
This is kind of abrupt :-
One day my mother will fall sick and I’ll watch my brother and cousins help her out and give tons of advice to make her feel better. And she’ll believe it. Every word of it. I’ll have to stand in a corner and watch, with my father, who my mother hates. Because no one lets us in.
And they’ll blame me. Because to them casual observers I happen to be at peace.
I tried to reach out to my parents for help and support but they failed to comfort me. They failed to get me at all.
Then I turned to my friends and they couldn’t help either.
So then I tried psychological therapy. But I realized it wasn’t doing me any good. I couldn’t explain myself and my therapist turned out to be a bad-listener. Yes, he was BAD.
He stopped taking my calls after 6 months of counselling. I was mad at him. I decided to quit on him too.
I never thought I deserved to be so alone; to have nobody to turn to.
I never ventured out to look for a guy’s love. I was too depressed to trim my brows, wash my hair, change my clothes or put on any makeup at all. No one ever paid attention to the dowdy-and-dead. I never straightened my hair or cut down on junk food, albeit I was completely infuriated by the lack of attention. I just didn’t like the idea of dressing up for guys.
Everyone criticized me for what I’d become. Friends hated me for my lack of motivation and for having shut them out. My parents scorned me for being “too lazy” and “homesick” and “unenthused”. All I wanted was to make meaningful conversation with someone. I really tried but I always blew it.
Now I've developed a smoking habit and I hate myself more than ever. I don't plan on quitting anytime soon.
I had originally intended this to be my suicide note until I realized I could send it to someone who might actually end up reading it.
I’m counting on you.
This response is also abrupt… and to the point..
If this was supposed to be a suicide note, it leaves a lot unanswered.
Of course your mother will appear to believe you (she is on her hypothetical death bed) and hoping that you have changed, but of course, by your insincere and sarcastic comments, “And she’ll believe it. Every word of it.” you haven’t changed and you KNOW it.
No one lets you in because you are either pushing them away or trying to control them. I doubt that anyone really hates you; it’s just that they are fed up with your self-serving attitude, which you yourself are aware of when you said, “Friends hated me for my lack of motivation and for having shut them out.”
What do you except with your lack of basic personal hygiene and couldn’t care less attitude? ….Quote “I was too depressed to trim my brows, wash my hair, change my clothes.” Do you honestly believe that people will want to be around you with that physical appearance and attitude? NOT!...
Now I could try to begin to dig deeper to get at the root cause of your present experiences, of why your mother hates your father (and supposedly you) and why you side with him and then feel alienated, but I don’t feel you have any real interest in telling the TRUTH or in hearing anyone else's opinion except your own. If you are truly interested in helping and healing yourself, then I suggest you visit my website http://shenreed.com/index.html
and read book 2 and go from there.
I know that this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it is what you needed to hear.