Dealing with Depression/Depressed
I've had a very stressful life and been able to deal with it. In 2002 I divorced and left an abusive relationship. He refused to pay support for our five daughters.
I also grew up in an abusive home when I was a child, but this abuse was what you would see in horror movies.
I am autistic and once was a non-responsive autistic and I often struggle with "how" I should be feeling...
All that has happened to me in my life, made me stronger but to a point where I no longer cry and sometimes do not feel a thing.
When my ex passed away - when my parents passed away.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression long ago, but I manage it by acknowledging it and not allowing it to consume me.
I lost part of my hearing a few years ago (50% both) and as a child I was often beat about the head and ears. Then my carpal tunnel made it difficult for me (nerve damage) - and part of my right hand is now always asleep.
But I pressed on.
Last November I began becoming ill - and eventually, about 12 weeks ago I went to the doctor.
They found cataracts both eyes, a tear and bleeding behind one eye, and I had a mass in my left collarbone - we are still trying to determine what it is.
I did my glucose test and I saw the results, it looks as if I am right on the margins of diabetes and they know from labs my liver and bone are showing issues.
These tests - the co-pay costs, and I was only able to get 1 out of the 2 sets of glasses.
I feel as if I am letting my daughters down and I've been trying to illustrate to earn more money.
And I know I can but I've not drawn in over a decade.
The stress.. is keeping me from drawing.. and not being able to draw.. is making it worse
One of my friends stopped talking to me and one I found was only using me for my skillsets (web development).
I have a good job but live from payday to payday.
My point is - I feel it.. seeping in. My frustration, not knowing even how to ... absorb all of this. I act as if .. it's a normal day - but I go home and the continual migraines.. tiredness.. fever... it's hard on my body.
I'm not giving up - but I need to find an even ground - so I can draw.. but I feel a knot right there in my mind... and I can't move past it to relax enough to .. draw.
I did this long ago - it's what got us out of those situations. Each time, I drew... and sold my art.
And I do not understand why now.. I find it so very difficult .. I see in my mind what I want to draw it won't.. move to my pencil.
I know it's stress and I feel the depression washing over me. The tears appearing with no emotion.. the numbness... the total lack of feeling.. anything.
This time I know it won't get better - it will only be ... managed... and I'm willing but part of me is in emotional pain and I can't seem to just.. embrace it so it.. can let go and move on.
I've always been a rock and even now I hug my daughters and help them through tough times.. but for myself.. it is as if.. nothing bothers me.. but we both know it does.
I just can't seem to reach it this time... and I need to.
I just need to find the way to put pencil to paper and let it flow from there... but it's like an invisible wall I can't get through.
I take my deep breaths - I know this too shall pass and acceptance will come.. but I need to draw now.. to raise funds to help offset this.
In my mind I feel... when is it my turn to be weak?
My daughters are adults now and 2 left a year ago. Three live with me, one just married and her husband is out to sea for a year. The other two - aren't addressing this much..
I just need guidance.. I'm struggling on how I should be feeling.... I really don't know.
Well, you have a lot on your plate! Unfortunately there is no “quick fix”, BUT… you can heal these issues if you truly want to. While you have suffered years of abuse at the hands of others, you have also been suffering abuse from yourself. By that I mean that when a part of you doesn’t like another part of you for whatever reason, you are abusing that part just as if it were another person. Coping, managing, ignoring, and denying your feelings and emotions are forms of self-abuse and self-hatred that ultimately manifest as disease in the body.
I’m going to give you a link to my website and the free eBooks that you can download. I suggest reading Book 2 first http://shenreed.com/ebook2.html
as that will begin to give you an over-all picture of what you are going through and what you need to do to heal your issues. I’m in the final stages of proofing my three books in print, and they should be available in a month of so if you are interested.