Dealing with Depression/Depressed extrovert
I'm not sure where to start. I never used to be depressed. The saying is true that ignorance is bliss.
It's embarrassing and it upsets me that I haven't been able to pull myself out of it... I had a rough childhood. Parents separated, both of them care about themselves more than their 7 kids, poor, homeless, blah blah blah. I'm not trying to make light of what happened, it really was hell, but I was able to work though it on my own and come to terms with everything that was happening around me. I was happy through it all. Bubbly. Extroverted.
When I went to college that's when my sadness started creeping up. I was still happy and bubbly when I was around people but when I went home, or went to the bathroom, or was alone at all... my fears started creeping up on me.
I'm afraid that being bubbly is all I am. I'm stupid. I go to tutoring after every single damn class in geology and I'm still not doing well. I'm not good at anything. Name it and I'm bad at it. Math, science, english, history, economics, accounting, theater the list goes on and on. What the hell am I doing in college? Why I putting myself through the mental torture of going to class, and having to see other students put in 1/3 the amount of work and for them to understand what's going on? Why am I working two jobs to support myself financially so I can go to college when I don't even know why I'm there in the first place? I've seen my mother work so hard at a job she hated and that's no life to live. I want a career. But the sad thing is I'm not smart enough to have one.
So why am I in college?
All I know is that I can't continue my studies when they seem so pointless.
I also know if that if I drop out I still may not find something to fit my level.
What do I do? I just can't this this anymore. I feel to pitiful and angry that I'm so sad and unhappy all the time but I have no idea what to do.
I have no one to turn to.
I just can't do this anymore.
Before I answer your question, let me say that you are not stupid. I say that because I have received emails from young people that can’t even write a sentence, let alone group their thoughts into a cohesive paragraph. So, being the clever person that you are, what you need to do is… not learn what to think, (as in college) but how to think, how to problem solve.
When you were younger, your “education” was organized and planned, but when you finished high school, you were left on your own, and… believing what you had been taught, that you need to further your education and have a career, you started college without a real plan or objective, other than to “follow the dream.”
Like you said, ignorance is bliss, and what you were and are ignorant about, is your denials.
• What the hell am I doing in college?
• Why I putting myself through the mental torture
• Why am I working two jobs to support myself financially so I can go to college
I've seen my mother work so hard at a job she hated and that's no life to live. I want a career. But the sad thing is I'm not smart enough to have one.
What makes you think that having a career will make you happy. There are countless number of people in so-called careers that are miserable.
Now another thing, (one of many) is that the reason you seemed to be happy and bubbly, was because acting that way was the way you found you could cope with what was going on in your tumultuous life. Being bubbly meant that you were around people and were making them happy, and if they were happy, so were you. Now take away the people, and you are left with your FEAR… your fear of abandonment that directly relates to your traumatic childhood experiences.
Healing this is not quick, easy or simple, but it can be done if you are willing to face your fears, and not deny and run from them by doing what you and others and have told you to do in order to survive. I can’t possibly go into all that you need to do to begin your healing journey and process, (which by the way, will also open you to what you would call your career choice.)
I’ve written three books that are presently available in print form. There is a link to the distributor from my website http://shenreed.com/index.html
I’m presently in the process of formatting them in the various eBook formats, and I hope to have them available by the new year. While they are a trilogy, I feel that you might want to begin with book 2, as that will give you a host of insights and understandings as well as the three levels of healing that I had experienced and what I was going through at the time, that I’m sure you will be able to relate to.
I know that this isn’t much, but if you have more questions, you know where you can find me.