Dealing with Depression/Depression, suicide
I'm a twenty year old guy who has had depression for a few years now all thanks to my experiences in high school, a school I never even wanted to go to in the first place. I hung out with classmates during break and class but we never spoke afterwards. I have had bad experiences with them like they told people I was gay because I couldn't find a girl, made fun of me for watching animated movies telling me that's why I'll never find a girlfriend and some them enjoyed sexually harassing me. After we graduated I never heard anything from them again. I started attending university last year and I tried to commit suicide before classes started. I don't trust the "friends" I have now. I have failed at dating. Every date I have been on has been a disaster or the girl usually comes up with an excuse not to go out with me, I don't ever know if they're lying or not. Teachers have also enjoyed embarrassing me in front of my class more than once. Therapy has not worked for me and I have grown to really dislike psychiatrists. I have opened a bank account recently and I am considering saving up my money and going to a country where assisted suicide is legal. I'm religious and thought that might help me but I'm fed up with constantly hearing the same thing over and over again like God loves you and things will get better and yet I still feel like this. I feel emasculate and lack self confidence because I honestly canít see myself with another girl. I was too much of a coward to cut myself so I coped by developing a porn addiction. With porn at least I know the women in it will not judge you based on how you look, talk dress or walk and they wonít laugh at you. Every time I have tried to get online help I have been blatantly ignored because I think my problems are trivial compared to depression suffered by rape victims and so on. Iíve really had enough and this is the last time Iím asking for help. Is there any website that can help me with my problems once and for all?
I am so sorry you have had and are having such a hard time struggling with depression and your bad experiences in high school and in the present time. High schol years are very rough years. Someone can like you one day and ignore you the next. So many hormones are jumping around in everyone you never know where anybody is at.
Depression sucks! It is so hard to do and think through things when depressed - depression depresses all of your thoughts and depresses any positive feelings. It is an illness that holds you back from being whom you want to be.
You did not state if you are taking any medication for your depression. Ifnot, please go to a doctor and get an Rx. It makes a big difference. Sometimes depression is worse in the winter months and lightens in the spring and summer (Seasonal Affective Disorer). Have you noticed any differences. If so, the doctor would need to know that.
If a person has not hurt you in any way, that is possibly a person you can trust. The only way to know is wait until you feel comfortable with someone that has not hurt you in any way.
Glad you have not cut yourself. Getting into porn is not good because it presents life as what it is not. And, porn can easily become an addiction because one seeks a way to excape their negative feelings and fears and sadness of not having anyone who you can trust.
Since you are still at the university, seek out an experienced counselor and also a doctor who can write an Rx for your for depression and also do an assessment to see how serious it all is. And it does sound serious since you have even tried suicide. Talk therapy and getting on the right meds for you will help a lot. It will take time to undo your negative thoughts on yourself in talk therapy; but it is worth it for you to go on with your life.
I know of no web site for helping only with depression. But, I do know of one site that has a lot of info on depression and other mood disorders. It is called "Depression Central" - or look up "Dr. Ivan Goldberg and depression," He passed away a couple of years ago. He put together a wonderful educational Depression Central. You can even do some self assessments on yourself. He was a New York Psychiatrist who dedicated his life to helping people with depression and educating people about depression and other mood disorders.
Take things one day at a time; keep it simple!
There is group therapy called "Recovery, Inc." Look it up on the internet in your area or see if there is something like "addictions anonymous." They are free and you meet new, sincere,people who are working on their addiction wile living life. You may want to read any 12-Step literature and substitue the word "alcoholic" and use "porn" as you read. Since you are religious, you may like what you are reading because it is a very spiritual program (Alcoholics anonymous, addictions anonymous, narcotics
anonymous, etc.) If you check out groups, make sure they are going by the 12-steps because there learn to trust a higher power (God).
As for girls, that will come as you work on yourself with therapy, meds and group meetings. If there are no meetings for addictions only, just attend any other one, sit in the back and listen. No one pushes you to talk - say "I pass" they accept you were you are at. (Narcotics, gambling, alcoholics anony, etc.) - an addiction is an addiction is an addiction no matter what kind it is,
I hope some of what I have said helps you.
Write back sometime and let me know how you are doing.