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Dealing with Depression/I don't know what to do

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Hi, I'm Becks, I've been going through a hard time lately. Worse then usual for no good reason. I'm 18, been battling depression for the last 7 ish years never figured it out until I was 14 or 15. I've had anxeity for I don't know how long, still trying to figure that one out. I'm always depressed but sometimes it goes through I call it a phase where it's bad. Think about things I shouldn't. I think I about bridges. But I don't want too to that I want to graduate this year, I want to go to tech school, I want to help people, I want to get married and have kids. But I sometimes wonder what's the point?
I've been reading too much lately and my mom is more angry then usual. She's just mean sometimes and takes everything out on my all the time. I can't take it. It's not always my fault.
She wants to control everything. I'm not the daughter she wants me to be.
And I'm constantly struggling between loyalty to my family and what is right.
I've reached out for help but it never works. I can't trust people either. Everybody is a liar and when they get what they want they leave. Everybody leaves.
A girl I knew she took her life and it scares me how much I can understand her, the why... Nobody understands it that's what I don't understand. Sometimes you can put up with what life throws at you anymore.
I'm taking way too much meds again. Painkillers. I'm going to kill my liver. I thought I stopped this I guess not.
The only I have is cutting I suppose.
I was planning on moving out in July after grad but now I don't know if I can make it.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I don't know how to trust people. I never trusted my parents I've never really trusted anyone. I tried this thing it's supposed to be a natural mood stabilizer people commented saying it works better then antidepressants. It works only sometimes now.
Everything is a mess.
I hate sleeping. Becuase there's always a chance of very graphic disturbing gorey nightmares.
I still can't get over some of the things I saw my mom do...
I always am fighting with myself.
I don't know if I know what I want. I read books I shouldn't. I listen to music I shouldn't. I think about things I shouldn't and some of it is just terrible. I obsess over articles about these things for hours...
I'm just getting really tired of this whole keep going thing.
Just one more day.
Hold out a bit longer.
Then I get out.
I finally have two friends in real life and see a lot but I don't trust them yet. And out friendship is fading because I got grounded for something that doesn't make any sense. Becuase she changes it all the time what I lost and what it was for everytime it comes up.
I get in trouble for not going to the right bar with them.
The one she wants me to go too is known for people slipping things in drinks and girls getting raped. And in my own experience nobody cares if you get raped. Dumb cops. My friends ex raped her nobody cared.
Cops don't care nobody cares.
I can say I don't like them but in reality I'm scared of them.
My mom didn't mean to plant that fear in me it just happened.
Lots of things just 'happen'.
I don't how to keep going.
I don't know what to do.
I have no one to talk too.
I hope I'm not bothering you or annoying you or wasting your time. I'm sorry if you did.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Im tired of trying.
Thank you for reading this it's very much appreciated.

Answer
Hello ecks; First of all, you're never wasting anyone's time by reaching out. And you are right, partly, in that bars today can be quite dangerous especially if you don't have friends to watch your back.
Your problem though, I suspect it is more chemical in nature than anything psychological.
I don't know if there's a crisis line, or crisis center locally to you- it will be worth your while to do a google search to find one near you or one you can phone- and they can direct you to the right qualified people who can put you on the right kind of medication to help combat these unwanted feelings- and no, pain killers and cutting are not the way to go.I would stay away from the whole bar-scene for now as well until you are better...stronger...to be able to deal with all the undercurrents in those places.
I recommend hitting the gym, take up some physical activities that will be both a great outlet for any negative feelings, and a great way to meet good people.

Dealing with Depression

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Johnny St. Tai

Expertise

It is okay to feel down and out once every so often, as long as you know to reach out for the hands that will pull you back up. I can answer questions about self esteem improvement, relationship with others, depression, and sexuality. I will/cannot give medical advice without an actual examination of the person and his/her medical history, so for those issues, best to find a local specialist/doctor to be safe.

Experience

Ten years of professional and volunteer counseling, and volunteering for the Crisis Center. Born of a conflict-laiden family, I've walked through violance, addiction, abuse, and more. I survived, scarred but still strong, and I will do my best to help others do the same.

Organizations
Richmond Chimo Crisis Center

Education/Credentials
Interpersonal/Social Relation Specialist, University of British Colombia Socialwork, 2005.

Past/Present Clients
over 500.

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