Expert: Sylvia Bergthold - 3/8/2006

Question
I moved in with my good friend about a year ago, not realizing quite what kind of a person she is.  Since she goes to a different school and had to move in before my lease was up, she offered to pay the entire first month's rent, because I had REPEATEDLY told her this situation wasn't going to work out if I was goign to have to pay rent on both my current place and my new place.  We agreed that she would have the bigger room, because she told me she was bringing a king size bed...she brought the double.  We also agreed that she could supply all the living room furniture-despite my offering to bring mine-she wanted hers because it was "nicer."  She also filled up the entire kitchen with her supplies so if I had wanted to bring some of my own, I had nowhere to put them.  Since then she has been a complete slob, has her boyfriend over ALL the time, and moved in her cats for 8 months when she told me they would only be there for 2-3.  Furthermore, she (and her boyfriend) would consistently leave the door unlocked, leaving both of us and our belongings unsafe.  Whenever I had an issue with her, I would simply write her a note, asking her to discontinue the behavior.  She finally told me she was sick of me leaving notes, and would rather have me confront her about it.  I asked her to be cleaner and to number 1 lock the door and this lasted for about a week, and then she continued to do these things.  She also left me notes during this time, even though this was the behavior she had asked me to end.  Since then we had an enormous argument because I told her I wasn't resigning the lease with her, and at the time didn't have time to sit down and discuss with her.  She called me up yelling because I wouldn't abandon my friends who were over to sit down and explain to her why I wasn't resigning the lease.  I finally lost my temper and told her why, and we stopped speaking for about 2 weeks (nothing changed during the time that we weren't speaking-her cats were still there as well as her boyfriend and she continued to be a slob).  We finally talked about things and she brought up that she was angry I hadn't paid the first month's rent-despite the fact that I had repeatedly reminded her when we were looking for places I could not have a May lease.  So we talked and made up and not 2 days later she left the door unlocked AGAIN.  I was furious and wrote her a letter saying that at this point I didn't have anything else to say but that I was sick of the inconsiderateness and irresponsibility she had been continuing the entire year.  There was no profanity used.  She called me up and left me a message using a lot of profanity and saying that she didn't leave the door unlocked and that it was probably me because I was intoxicated all the time.  While I do like to go out one or two nites a weekend, the statement that I am intoxicated ALL THE TIME, is entirely incorrect and the fact that I am completely organized with a job, a 3.3 GPA, and am in a business frat would suggest otherwise.  We stopped speaking for a while, her continually slamming doors and acting snottily to my friends, while I just completely ignored her and tried to be "above" the situation.  The other nite she came home and looking back was obviously trying to start a fight with me.  She came in, slammed the door, and turned up her music extremely loud so that I couldn't hear the TV.  About 5 minutes later I turned up the volume on the TV so that I could hear over her music, and without saying a word to me she walked over and turned it down.  Finally getting sick of the situation I said excuse me I was watching that.  She began to yell and use profanity saying that she had to make a phone call and when I asked why she didn't turn her music down as well she just started screaming.  She told me to get off of her couch that I was disrespectful to her things, and started pushing my stuff off of the couch.  I said fine and said well don't put your stuff on my trunk, and threw her books to the side.  She then took all of my belongings and threw them all over the living room.  She then told me to get off of her couch (which is in our communal living space) and that I couldn't watch her TV.  When I asked that she move it aside so that I could move mine there, she said she would cancel the cable (which I am fine with I don't watch TV very often anyways and did not have cable last year).  This argument continued on her saying I couldn't use her dishes and when I said she needed to move them aside so I could move mine in to half the space, she refused.  I also asked her to move out her living room furniture so I could move mine in and she began declaring that I was poor and couldn't afford things (which is also not true).  She began to attack me on personal issues that weren't relevant to the situation and her relationship with her boyfriend came up and I said some negative things about him (i.e. he's a loser, lies to you about smoking, etc).  She then kept on yelling at me and I was so sick of the situation I put on my iPod and just ignored her the rest of the time.  Well her boyfriend called on the phone and she told him I was badmouthing him and that he should come over and confront me.  At this point I was scared because he is a good 5 inches taller than me and outweighs me by at least 40 pounds.  I went and locked myself in my room and called one of my friends to come pick me up.  Her boyfriend arrived as I was about to leave and so I went back in my room.  They both came up and  tried to push open the door that I was holding closed.  They then left for a minute yelling that I was a coward and came back and continued pounding on the door.  I finally opened the door and began screaming at her boyfriend that he couldn't come in my house and get in my face and speak to me that way.  My roommate and her boyfriend had me blocked from leaving my room and when I tried to push past my roommate to escape her boyfriend pushed me back against the door and said don't fucking touch my girlfriend.  I finally got out and he began to get into my face yelling at me that I was a fat ass and to shut up every time I opened my mouth.  He also told me not to touch any of Christine's things ever or else.  I went the next night and filed a police report against him, but the officer told me that I would have to move out if I wanted to file a restraining order against him.  I only have a month and a half left in the year but it is clear that trying to mediate with my roommate is not an option.  Basically, my question is, since we are both on the lease is there any way legally I could terminate my lease agreement early?  Also, since her stuff is in the community rooms, and she didn't leave any room for mine, since we are both paying equal rent, does she really have the right to tell me I can't use her property (i.e. sofa, TV, etc.), if she wont move hers out so that we can both use mine?  I know this is long I just thought there needed to be some background information to make it apparent that just talking to her is not an option anymore.  

Answer
Hi Jennifer

First thing you learned from this experience. NEVER roommate with a friend.  That is the number one rule in my Roommate Survival Guide, now you know why.

Second thing:  Just because she is/was your friend, does NOT mean you are compatible to live together. You now have proof of that also.

Third: I am sure neither one of you really sat down and discussed the little details of shared living. IT is obvious from your letter that there was many many things you didn't discuss BEFORE moving in together.  The boyfriend, the cats, the furniture, the dishes, etc. etc.

Fourth: I am also willing to bet that neither of you wrote and signed a roommate agreement. How to divide rent, utilities, shared expenses, chores, rules, space...

Fifth: Move out ASAP.  It is no longer safe for you to live there so move....NOW.  Stop worrying about all this crap in this letter.  It sounds like a soap opera and neither one of you should even try to reconcile.  You are both beyond that point. Forget talking to each other because too many things have been said and done that cannot be undone.

Sixth: Talk to your landlord and see what arrangements can be made for you leaving early.  It is not a good thing to break a lease but under these circumstances, you don't have a choice.  Make it clear to the landlord that Christine's boyfriend has threatened you and the police told you you had to move out before filing a restraining order against him.

Seventh: Buy my book.  You might be organized, have a good job, have a high GPA but sharing your space with a roommate is a totally different ball game.  I can think of at least eight things that you did wrong in this arrangment. You really don't want to get into another mess like this again.

And Jennifer, you need to remember that having roommates is a business and if you screw it up where it affects your financial credit history, you're toast. It can haunt you for YEARS, I am NOT kidding.

Take care and good luck.

Sincerely
Sylvia Bergthold
www.aroommatesurvivalguide.com