AboutChristine Jandke Expertise How to deal with stressful thoughts. Any kind of stressful thoughts.
Experience I am an experienced user of The Work of Byron Katie and I also a facilitator of the The Work of Byron Katie.
Publications http://www.TheWorkForBreakfast.com
Education/Credentials I have a degree in International Business Administration.
I am currently a major in Psychology.
Awards and Honors Graduate of The School for The Work of Byron Katie as well as having staffed two Schools and translated part of the material for The School in Germany.
Question I'm 18 years old and i have a huge fear of driving. when i was 16 i was so excited to drive and i got my permit on the first try and then the more i drove with my parents. especially my mom who criticized me like crazy, she's made me cry several times behind the weel. i moved to york,PA and had to renew my permit again when i was 17 and i still got yelled at and i feel like i just do everything wrong, i HATE left hand turns, i freak out! and i just moved back to my hometown and i still have my permit! i now drive with my boyfriend who also yells at me and says i don't listen to him and it's the little things i mess up on like when at a red light and i hit the gas too quick without easing into it and he says my braking is bad, but i think cause all these people are with me it makes me so nervous, and i'm expecting to mess up and they WILL yell at me, i just want to know what i can do to fix this! please help! thanks so much!
Answer Hi Kate,
I hear that at first you were really excited about driving but then lost more and more confidence in your driving abilities as you got criticized by your parents and now also by your boyfriend.
Did you know that even the most confident and skilled driver would start to make mistakes and lose confidence in his abilities if he was criticized all the time and for the smallest incident? There are studies that show how criticism undermines a person's confidence. Especially susceptible to such criticism, of course, are people that already had some doubt in their abilities in the first place.
Now it’s one thing to have parents yell at you (because until you are 18 you are kind of stuck with them) and another to have friends or a boyfriend yell at you. These are the people you choose to surround yourself with. Why would you want to be with a boyfriend that is yelling at you or criticizing you constantly? I am not saying that there wouldn’t be legitimate concerns about your driving. That is something else to look at. What I am talking about here is how you let your boyfriend treat you.
Only you know why you would allow that. So, I am suggesting that the issue is a deeper one. What are you afraid would happen, if you let your boyfriend know that you find his yelling disrespectful (if that is the case), that it makes you more nervous than you already are. You could suggest ways that would feel more supportive to you (A softer voice? Riding without him?).
The reason we experience fear or get stressed out is not because what is happening on the outside (events/circumstances) but what we make that mean. “She called me stupid and that means that I am stupid.” “He didn’t say hello today and that means that he must be upset with me.” “They didn’t invite me to the party and that means they don’t like me anymore.” We tell ourselves what something or someone’s behavior means. Often without checking if that is really true.
I would need to know more about your particular situation to find out what other thoughts (besides the criticism that would strain anybody’s confidence) are causing you that stress and fear.
With the second part of my answer I wanted to introduce you to the idea that it is our thoughts that create our stress and fear. If you want to check out where to go from here (question your thoughts, find peace and work with your fear) there are great resources. You can read my answers to other people’s questions. I use The Work to get clarity around an issue and work with fears and anger etc.
www.TheWork.com is the best resource if you decide to try it out. You find worksheets there and videos as well as a free hotline where facilitators help you.
www.TheWorkForBreakfast.com has many examples of thoughts that were questioned and thereby going from fear and stress to peace of mind and clarity.
