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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Self-Improvement/Self-Help > Dealing with Stress > new relationship, old friend.
Expert: James Middleton - 10/26/2009
Question
I am 26...
and have been friends with a man for many years.. i always had strong feelings for him, until about 5 years ago, when i finally accepted that he was in a serious, long term relationship (lasted for 6 years). I put my feelings out of my head and we became fantastic friends.
About 2 months ago, He broke up with his fiance for separate reasons, but told me that for a while he had feelings for me, and wanted to be my boyfriend.
Complications with his ex fiance aside, (which are now dealt with) i eventually started dating him, even though i wasn't looking for a relationship (i have had many, long term relationships that have broken down, couldn't bare the thought that i would have to go through this all again, we tried having a "break" from seeing each other, but for friendship or romantic reasons, (i am not sure) the break did not last long and we are now a couple.
I just cannot work out how i feel about him, and it is torturing me...i think about it ALL the time, and am constantly analysing my feelings, scared that if i don't work it out, i might potentially hurt him so much.
In my head he is the most wonderful man i have ever met. i find him very physically attractive too, and we have great chemistry. i love spending time with him and we have SO MUCH in common but i feel like i will never know if i want to be his girlfriend or whether, over the months, i have just talked myself into the relationship because i feel like i should like him so much...i just feel constantly numb.
i recently had treatment, CBT, for anxiety (but the more fearful/imminent danger aspect) and i wonder whether this could be related even though the situation i am in is not actually dangerous.
the general pattern is:
when i don't see him, i think about him all the time, often in a good way, but my mind spirals out of control, excited about our future, but when i see him, i often feel numb in my heart (perhaps because i know he is so available/sure of his feelings) . Then i panic that all the time i am feeling numb it is because i don't want to "be" with him, which then leads to me analysing the reasons why we are together, which inevitably ends up with the realisation that i "slipped" into all of this, and perhaps it isn't right...even though he makes me very happy.
please help me, i am going round and round in circles, and he would be the person i would usually speak to about my anxiety problems.
thank you so much,
Jay
Answer
Hi Jay,
From what you describe it seems like you need more CBT. Your anxiety appears to be the end result of all the thinking you are doing.
Any anxiety help you get will not solve the excessive thinking you are doing. This needs to be addressed first.
I hope this is helpful, let me know if you need anything else.
Warm regards,
James
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