AboutPatricia A. Schafer, Ph.D. Expertise I specialize in various forms of depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and also stress, phobias, life changes, grief, women's issues, men's issues, etc. My licenses are: Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor -Supervisor(LPCC-S) and Licensed Professional Chemical Dependency Counselor (LICDC) in the state of Ohio and a National Certified Counselor (NCC).
Experience 12 years experience counseling substance abusers, families of alcoholics/drug addictions, and those with codependency issues. I also specialize in social phobia; stress; anxieties; women`s issues; grief and adjustments to life changes. Some therapeutic techniques used are: CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behaviorial Therapy)REBT (Rational Emotive), SFT (Solution Focused) and 12-Step, etc. If you live in the Cleveland area, you can contact me at my office for an appointment at: 440-349-4521. I am on various insurance panels and EAP programs.
Organizations ACA, OCA, NCC, OMHCA
Education/Credentials Ph.D. In counseling
MA In Counseling
BS In Psychology
Question QUESTION: I am struggling very much w/ an issue involving my father who left me when I was 6 months old. Now, I am 33, happily married w/ 2 daughters. I always knew growing up that my dad left me as a baby. I always wondered about him, who he was and where I came from. About 2 years ago, I decided to seek him out. I needed to know and face this part of my life so I could be free myself from the unknown. It didn't take long to find him. 2 hours....and to my amazement, he was living in the same city as I was all this time!!! I was thrilled and very nervous at the same time to embark on this journey. I met him face to face a few months later and we started to get to know eachother. He has been married for 10 years, just like me and also has a son the same age as my oldest daughter....!!! But, what is bothering me is he is always too busy for me. I find myself chasing him around and trying to fit myself into his life. He doesn't feel he has any extra time to make for me since he says he is always busy w/ "work and family stuff." This hurts because even though I am his daughter, he doesn't include me in his "family stuff". He doesn't feel the need to make up for missing out of most of my life. Whenever I have expressed to him that I simply want some time to get to know you better, he is very defensive and unwilling to validate or empathize w/ my feelings. He feels as if he has done nothing wrong. We've have had a lot of tension lately over his lack of time and effort. I have forgave him for the past.I have accepted him and all of his explanations as to why he left and why he doesn't have time. It seems he has moved on happily w/ his life w/out me or that he doesn't know how to love me. I have made many attempts and adjustments to make room for him in my life, he hasn't done the same. I am very hurt and saddened by this. It's been 2 years now, and we see eachother a handful of times a year and talk or email about once a month most of which are initiated by me. When I have left it up to him to initiate communication, he lets weeks or months go by. It's become painfully clear that I am not a priority to him and I won't be anytime soon.....My question is now what? Do I continue a relationship w/ someone just for the sake or having one...or do I walk away because I came searching for my father, and unfortunatley, he isn't much a father...to me any way. I feel like I am being abandoned by him yet again.
ANSWER: Hi Kristine:
It is hard to want a relationship with someone and they do not show the same interest or enthusiasm as you have. You can't force a relationship if one side does not want one. I suggest you need to detach more from him. That is, do not be the first to call or send emails because you will just be experiencing "rejection" again. Also, you may want to talk to a therapist to get some of your feelings out about being rejected by him when you were born and why it is hard for you now to be rejected by him. He not only let you, but also your mom and apparently he paid no attention to her and did not seem to care about child support (I may be wrong about this). So, he did not care then and nothing will change to make him care now.
This is very difficult wanting that father/daughter relationship, but he is not willing to give extra time of himself to be with you. You will have to accept it - and acceptance really does not mean approval; it just means that this is the way it is and it sucks! You need not go through any more actions that make you feel rejected again. When you feel like it, you can email or call him, but have NO expectations that he will return the call/email etc. Do not set yourself up to feel rejected again. Have NO expectations of any contact you may have with him.
I know it is hard, but this type of reality does suck!
Take care,
Dr. Pat
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you...I hope you don't mind me asking you another question. I've tried the approach you've kindly suggested in the past and at times I have been successful. I have also been to a therapist who was really wonderful. What I am having a hard time w/ making sense of in my mind is how can a relationship be genuine if I cannot fully be myself? If I have no expectations and just let things be, this means I am not true to myself; but rather just protecting myself which is important but still painful even is necessary. I know this sounds redundant...but what does it really mean to not expect anything from someone? I may not even feel like calling him if I always have to hold myself back from talking about certain things....How do I stop needing and feeling like I want to be a daughter??? I'm scared I might struggle w/ this always but aware enough it won't always be this painful.....Thanks again!!!!
Answer Hi Kristine:
If you have no expectations that does not mean you are not yourself. It seems you "set up" expectations only to be hurt in the end. That is you "expect" your father to be a father whereas he is not paying attention to you like he is to his present family. The more you think about what you think he "should" do or be as a father, the more you are setting yourself up for disappointment after disappointment - like a self-pity trip if you do this over and over.
Letting things "be" does not mean you are not try to yourself. What I read in between the lines is that you want to be a daughter, therefore, he SHOULD be a father, but he is not doing that and you are having a hard time accepting that.
Here is another way to look at having no expectations. When you give someone a gift because you like them, are you expecting them to give you a gift in return. If so, that is a gift with strings attached. In other words, "I am only giving you this gift so you will give me something in return sometime. I am not giving you a gift just because I want to with no strings attached. I expect you to give me something in return." A true gift is a gift without expectations or strings attached. Does that help? Look at yourself as the gift and you gave yourself to your dad, but he is not giving back - can you accept this?
I also suggest you see a therapist to talk this through or you are going to feel abandoned over and over with the expectations of wanting to hear from your dad. Time to let go. Does this clarify things?
