Dealing with Stress/What is wrong with me?
Hello. Sorry I wrote my problem in the wrong category, I didnt know where to put it. Thanks for your help I have a problem that is killing me. I beleive I have to stop what im doing but I just cant. My heart says yes and my brain and says no. Well im a 21 year old male. You see when I was 12 years old I was a lonely kid. I was happy in my own weird way. Well one of my moms friends had a baby girl. I carried that baby the first day it was born, for some reason, I still remember that day. I carried her and I saw her eyes and I just felt something that I have never felt before. I was really happy inside. Since the little girls mom and dad worked through out the day I was babysitting. For my age I was really mature. I spent so much time with her. Everytime I was with her it just felt right. It was like if she was own daugther. Time passed and it was still the same, I spent time taking care of her. When I used to go to school I remembered that I couldn't wait to see her. I was anxious! Well more time went by and as she was growing older I started to see her less, but I still watched as a part time job. Through out the years she was growing I became more attached to her. I didnt feel lonely and I had someone to talk to. She looked up to me. She turned 6 years and I took her every where. Her mom and Dad where comfortable. She is about to to turn 10 in the next couple of months. I still watch her. Since I go to college her mom pays me to watch her a few hours a weekend. I have been noticing that I cant stop seeing her! I get mad if I dont get to see her a week. Her mom sometimes calls me saying that she is crying for me to see her. My big problem is that a lot of people started to giving me the dirty look, thinking 'what is an old man doing with a little girl' to tell you the truth society now is horrible how they look at things. I get sometimes extremly mad because my parents say I have to stop seeing her too much. I tried to stop seeing her and I started seeing a big change in me. My parents did too. I was mad and grumpy all the time, I was always sad. I whent from a nice out going guy. To a lonely depress guy. I knew it was killing me not seeing her, but I was thinking to myslef why is this little girl causing me this. I even had the toughts of adopting a baby. To be honest I just like the tought of someone looking up to me. Someone that I feel the need to protect. Someone that Icant talk to. The little girls mom was always texting me how her little girl was devasted that I didnt see her. I always blamed the school. Well I recently found a girlfriend too forget. Well that was no help. For some reason im still mad when I dont see her. Why is that? I just cant stop seeing her! I know she is nit my daughter. Everytime her mom and my mom see each other on the weekends she bring her. We just start talking for hours and hours. And the rest of the week im happy. If I dont see her a weekend I just turned mad. Sometimes I even think why I am mad. And to be honest I dont know why!!! Why is this please help me.
Sometimes we get stuck in a particular moment that shapes the rest of our lives. You can describe to the minute when your connection with this girl started, and that moment has shaped your life until now.
I would say you need to distinguish between the girl and the feeling you experienced when you first saw her. The girl is not the feeling, but the girl caused the feeling, and therefore you associate the girl with a feeling that you have been wanting to recapture ever since.
I am not going to tell you to stay away from the girl or to see more of her. You know intuitively what is right for you.
I do feel that it is right for you to have a girlfriend and an adult relationship, because it does help you to gain more experience and to understand yourself better.
It would be useful for you to talk to a counselor who can help you explore what you really want in life, and what deeper need contact with this girl satisfies.
It is also honourable of you to see the girl as the little girl she is - nearly young enough to be your daughter - and to give her the space she needs to grow up and become her own person.
You are a lovely young man and it is admirable that you have so much self-insight already and that you want to get behind the meaning of what you feel.
Does this help?
Love and Light