Dealing with Stress/Need an advice to be continue
QUESTION: So we stay in touch and he tells me he told his family about me and his mom wants to meet me I said great ,I was happy that finally a man was interested in me and serious ,so it tell my family they were happy cause any mother will want to see her daughter happy after she saw all I was going trough so he tells me he is going trough divorce and I told him I didn't have papers and we both accepted each other situation ,he brought his mom, I made the house look nice clean,make stuff ..ect his mom liked me and we started from there we go out every weekend cause he lived an hour, he used to bring his mom with him cause I live with other brother here and he was very conservative so as Muslim I can't go out with a man till I'm officially engaged but since he was going trough divorce we said we will wait things went great I was the happiest girl I forgot all about what happend I was glowing like a flower that was dead and soon as you put flower she comes back to life I was in love happy ...ect Ramadan came my bother wouldn't let go out with him cause we weren't engaged and it's not good cause was a holy month so I called my fiancÚ a that time I told him and was crying that my brother wouldn't lets us go out cause it's kinda a shameful and I was upset at my brother so he calls my brother telling what's wrong with me and then my brother invites over for 1st day of breaking fast It was 1st I went in the kitchen and made more than one dish never cooked in my life just basic stuff I was using internet to cook my home country food and he came and he loved my food that's what he says and since that day he comes 3-4 times a week to eat with us for a month then after we could go out again but we talked many times and agreed that as soon his divorced is done will get married cause we were inlove ,wanted what we wanted ,and the distance he used to do to come see me so we said why not just be together
Months went by till his divorce was final we booked the hotel made date ,gave an invitation the big day is coming yay finaly I'm going to wear any girl dream wear a weeding dress
But did I mention his dad didn't wanted me 1st cause I didn't have papers, then he told him why don't you look for doctor or lawyer, then he didn't wanted to meet me and then when he did he came home talked and then what he said to my husband he said that I look tough ( in bad way) that I wasn't the right one for him...ect I was shocked and hurt cause how can you tell something about some1 you barely know and since then he didn't like he didn't like for all bad reasons and he used to tell him that I wasn't going to assist the wedding. The wedding was all doll up my sisters with me , my mom happy and you can see that in hers eyes her younger baby is all grown up and getting married ,the room looked beautiful ,the buffet everything looked like a dream come true and since that my nightmare starts with the in law( father and sister) As in each wedding when you get a license a priest or Muslim guy (imam) has to officialise it so a guy was there and he asked who s going to be the witness of the groom I thought his dad after all that's his son but nope he wasn't excited he looked like he was at the funeral :( his brother said me we start the ceremony and then I'm mrs omg lol everyday body came to congratulate us his dad didn't even shake my hand nothing no congrats not even a word not dad daughter dance !!
We start out 1st dance then music is on dancing and living my day and not worrying any body but my self and my husband and people who were that loved me and care for me
We did the cake and start the pictures his dad didn't even approach me or take picture by my side like I was no body important
The party ends and since my family were from out of town I did which they were suppose to do but they didn't , I told everyday to please come by our house (my new home ) we having lil get together so everyday my familly and my husband familly get to know each other his mom said I will come and look to her daughter my sister in law and say we will come and iturn I see her doing with her face no I don't want to come and she saw me I saw no shame at all I ignored it after it's all about me and my husband
Next day from hotel we go get breakfast then return hubby tuxedo and go get the food and start preparing for the families my familly came all happy for me and my husband. ( they love and treat my husband great they never said a bad word about him) then my husband s brother and his wife came, his mom and then who came the sister in law came I thought she didn't want to come ?
My husband s brother in law didn't come and the father didn't come ! Why is my family. to good enough? Why? Till now I ask why? And then I'm. Newly married I kept every thing in my chest and my heart after families left we start opening the gifts money, appliances..ect but guess what the parents didn't give a thing !!!?????
Days ,months go by then they starts bothering me, the father everyday time he seems never ask me how you are you nothing all he asks if I'm pregnant which I thought that was rude to ask this personals questions, the sister keeps picture of ex on the fridge just to bother me,then later I see a picture of ex in parents s house , then every time they have the getting together they bother me with hurtful words comment,then the sister one day kept bothering me till I could t take it I wanted to leave cause I didn't want to start a fight then her self wanted to start a fight and since that me and her are like tom and jerry .a year later my health problems started my eye, I had multiple problems I had cataract sergery and then problems started with my husband he didn't believe in health insurance we didn't have any, I had to have sergery I had 2 disease in my eye he didn't want to be there for me he didn't want to pay my sergery he said that I was fine and that doctors only wanted my money and he was tired of me complaining ( who else I'm going to complain to , isn't my husband and suppose to take care of me )? Then I was starting to see his real face ,my familly paid for my sergery and then start my treatment for my other disease I had an inflammation in my eye and I need to be on steroid drops they told 2 times I had retina detachment was that was the scarriest thing I was crying but at the end I didn't was all false alert then I get lil depressed cause my life turn up side down ,why? And my husband refuses to pay for my treatment even tho he loves me , he just said it wasn't worth it and that was all in my head everyday he tries to make me feel that I'm not sick it's just in my head and doctors are lying but how can they lie they see it? I tried to be patients , I start feeling he doesn't love me anymore cause I'm sick and then I become blind he will divorce me . I kept being patience maybe he will realize he is wrong we had bad days , I was following up with my eyes cause I didn't want to lose my vision ,health is precious , he never said sorry
For the hurtful things he said he kept being ignoring and didn't want to get health inssurance in case god forbid something bad happens to me or him he kept being stubbord and mean like his dad. My eye is being under control, my right vision is ok better then nothing , then another problem start out no where one day my heart beats so fast chest pain,short of breath I beg him to take me to emergency , he doesn't he said just lie down is just your heart beating so fast cause of the food we ate and I barely ate anything, so he doesn't he goes to sleep with no care for me, my mom was visiting she was with me she saw me (poor mom ) btw he didn't like the fact mom come stay and week or 2 with me even he knows she is just visiting and I only see her once every year he had no understanding but my gut was telling me that was his family putting things in his head ,next day I go to doctor luckily he had EKG in his office and EKG showed normal so it wasn't a heart attack and he couldn't understand what I had all he said that was panick attack which when a doctor doesn't want to go further with u since he knew I didn't had insurance they say that. That day I was weak but still under shock ....
Days months goes trying to make things work, my husband. Never at least bother to know what's happend to me not even take me to doctor all he cared about it's coming home see me all doll up ,don't talk about health ,have fun and sex, his number one thing is sex his needs cones first but my health never was in consideration he just didn't care which it was hurtful and every time I was to fight with him he never at least admit anything that it want my family who paid my sergery I will blind ,that he didn't care , even to buy me a car he didn't my sister gave me her old car to learn on it , I just told him u didn't care but yourself and your needs and u brought me to be your maid to clean , cook and up have sex with and that he never defends me in front of his family and he let them treat me the way they do ,he gets mad and then he gets verbal he never hit me but one time I felt he was cause he grab a laundry basket , I notice every I try to talk to him about things that hurt me and bothers me but instead of him being comprensive maybe he will apologize and fix things maybe he will tell his father and his sister to leave me alone no he doesn't understand my point of vie he gets mad and then it looks like he tries to scare me . My husband till now understand me it's always about what he wants and what makes him happy , he doesn't wants kids , did I mention that , no he doesn't cause he doesn't wants to take the responsibility if we do have kids it will be my job , he doesn't want to be apart of it, he doesn't wants to spend money , he wants to live his life having fun that's all,he changed alots since I met him I'm not going to lie he a sweet when he wants to and he is a monster when he wants to, I never as priority it's either ohm or his familly , he never stop his sister to stop bother me and when I talked to him hoping he will understand he will make it seem I'm bad the person it always me , him and his familly are good to me, he always when I go out with him he starts checking women out in front of me it very disrespectful he never excuse him self that all men look at women and he just looking ,when we used to fight he will tell me I want to divorce I'm not happy u complaint to much and that's what exactly he said about his ex wife, that he wants to have fun and I told him the problem isn't me is just u are bored andi want a change u missed dating the while women and sleeping around , I swear to you he said yes I was shocked that he admit it he never admit he was bad to me but he admit he missed dating ,he always mention hookers , he tells me I suck in bed and that I'm not kinky he say bad things to me and he never was sorry but I'm not a sexual person I love my husband not for sex in didn't marry him for sex ,he always say I'm not good enought for him, he never complement me , even the things he said I keep caring for him I don't hate him , not yet but I feel the love for him keep fading everyday and that's him not me , he does things, he calls me doudou really? He calls me stuff he thinks it's funny but it's turn off for me and then he tried to put the blame and then I tell him have you ever thought who made the person I am have ever sit with yourself and thought about it ,about what u do to me,u don't want kids, u treat me like I'm an object and ur familly hates me and treat like nothing and I'm still here.then he becomes sweet and lovey for few days,my birthday is Sunday and he has no plan for me ,his mom called yesterday saying they celebrating the father s bday Saturday and they know mine is Sunday she didn't even mention me I was upset ,they celebrating the bday of a person who said to him about me that u can have only one sister but u can have 20 wives all bcus he told to speak to his daughter (sister) cause she said bad things about me and my family, how can I go to him ( them ) and tell him they hurt me so much I can't take it anymore I'm hurt , I have alots of stress stress they cause me and the stress that my health isn't doing well and then when I try to talk to him he gets mad and then start mentioning divorce and all I can think of isn't me he just wants to get off of this marriage cause he doesn't wants kids ,he says I suck in bed and his family don't like me neither do I but to me I see he just looking for excuses to be single again and start again like he did with his ex. As far me I can divorce him and I have the rights to do so he doesn't care for my health ,his family treats me bad, and he doesn't wants kids but do I want divorce ? No I don't I got married to be happily married and have a familly I wasn't expecting this cause he never said he doesn't wants kids and he never treated me like before he was sweeetest man I ve man.i start working part time I only make so much now he wants me to pay for vacations and he pays for every thing ,he knows I have bills to pay the hospitals bills he didn't wants to pay, he knows I follow up with my eye, he knows I make s lil and he expect me to pay his fun, I'm trying to look for another job so I cam make descent money so I can make him happy but I'm not getting luck and when I see what he does to me I tell myself he doesn't deserve it.
I don't know what to do I'm lost and I don't want to hurt him cause I still love him , but he is the one and his family who keep hurting me
Your thoughts please
And thank you for taking to time to listen to me
ANSWER: Hi Samia
You are in a difficult position where you cannot leave because you love your husband and you don't have a passport, but at the same time you cannot stay and be stepped on all the time.
It sounds to me like your only option is to stay and to find a different way to look at your situation.
Being unkind to your in laws because they are unkind to you will not improve anything.
The greatest weapon you have in this situation is your good heart. You can allow your in-laws to hurt you, or you can see how their behavior towards you hurt them more than it hurts you.
You can find a quiet place and remind yourself that you are good, caring and loving person. When you are in that place you will know it is the truth, regardless of what your in-laws or your husband say.
Find that calmness inside of yourself, and from there go out of your way to be loving and kind towards them. Make it very difficult for them to be nasty to you, by always being kind to them. Don't let their childish behavior get to you.
You are a lovely lady and that is what you need to show them.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
Thank you for replying back
To clarify something my situation is longer the same I'm legal now I work I drive I travel...ect
To respond to you I'm trying to make things better but my in laws will never treat like me like one of theirs i know that , as far as my self I kept my self away cause every time I go by time it's same scenario the sister never leave me alone she had to say something or she will give those ugly looks of hers and the father always something inappropriate to say that's none of his business and honestly after what he said about me I lost the respect for him
My husband is nice guy good hearted and sometimes the things he deodorant I know it's not him it's how his dad raise him when he gets mad I see his dad and I told him that ,if I wanted to be the bad person I can leave but no I haven't cause I sill care about this relation I want kids my husband doesn't and even if we do my husband will no do his part of duty kids need both parents , I do want him to change his mentality about health I want to be caring and care for my health but he doesn't !!! And that hurt me cause what if it was him I would care a lot . And for my husband and family I think any man should defend his wife I know it's his family I'm not asking him to not talk to them or not see them all I want is him tell them to back off and leave me and stop bothering me for whatever reason
I'm not asking too much just I need to stay away from stress and they caused me so much stress, he caused me stress too bcuz of his uncaring to my health , stress is bad for me bad for everybody no body deserve to be treated like this !!
My sincere apologies for taking so long to reply - for some reason the website only showed your response today.
You are a lovely person with a good heart. Please don't let resentment spoil you. When you married your husband, his family and their miserable attitude came with the package. The best you can do is always treat them kindly and with dignity. You do need to love them for his sake, but you don't need to like them or go out of your way for them. Just treat them well when you cannot avoid them.
If your husband is not supportive, it is right for you to point that out to him and remind him why he married you. However, just sit him down once and tell him that and how you feel. Then leave it at that. Don't nag him, because then he will turn to behave like his father and blame you.
You are a lovely lady. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
Love and Light