Decision Making/relationship decision
I was just wondering if you could help me.
I've always been a bit of a procrastinator, and I definitely overthink decisions in life and have regretted some in the past, such as who to trust and in which direction I pursued my education.
At the moment I am facing a huge dilemma. I do not know whether to stay with my boyfriend. We have been together 8 months and he is great. I cannot fault him. He is attractive, funny, smart, a total gentleman and respectful of me at all times. I truly cannot find a bad point about him. He's not clingy, he's not overwhelming, though I know he loves me deeply and feels I could be 'the one'.
I just do not know if I feel the same way. but that's the crux of it. I dont know! How can I not know how I feel about someone?
I do not feel excited to be around him and I never have done. He's my best friend more than anything.
I broke up with him a couple of months ago, but we talked about it and he made me realise I was giving up before I'd tried to work through my feelings. It seemed a fair point, but I'm back at square 1, feeling I cannot be with him, but I do not want to leave him. Some days, or even some moments, I feel he the person I should absolutely be with. Other moments, I feel I am having to act with him and that he's definitely not the one for me. I dont know which side of me to listen to, because what if the 'real' me is the one that likes him - and I throw away a relationship with a fantastic person?
The trouble is that as much as sometimes I feel uncomfortable with the relationship, when I'm feeling good about it, I cant help but be as loving back. And this is bound to confuse him! It confuses me!
I should add that at the moment my life is at a real crossroads and I am having to make decisions about my career, which I am also at a total loss at. However, this is easier, because I can allow myself more trial and error without anyone getting hurt. I'm just terrible at reading my own emotions and trusting them. I cant keep second guessing this relationship and feeling I shouldnt be in it. How do I make this decision?
Yours is a perfect example of dilemma. Dear, when you are in confusion, it means you are still to gain more insight. You need higher level of training. For there, plenty of time is there. Even emergency ward surgeon waits for paramedics to complete their task of sedating the patient, so there is nothing like end of time etc. You are to explore it and get it.
For each problem, either you should fight till its end (win or lose) or surrender and take a flight away from it. There is no third option. But here it appears that you have gone for it, which leads to confusion, stress and tension.
Heard about the sacred book Gita? Even Lord Krishna did not help Prince Arjuna with a ready made solution in the battle of Mahabharata. When Prince faced the dilemma of killing his own relatives to win over the battle, Lord Krishna took him to a world of higher level of knowledge, where Prince was enriched with the “duty” and why he should not think about results alone. The Lord did not give him direct advice but tried to widen his knowledge base; Lord knew each human is different and each human is to understand and help himself to go ahead and face challenges as and when they appear.
Take a somewhat long sojourn away from him and think about the things more and more. Weigh pros and cons viz. what you expect (or in a position to) from him? Is he giving (or in a position to give) those? What can you give him? Are you giving those, etc. etc. Then weigh them. It will give an indication.
Read books and enrich yourself on courtship vis-à-vis a conjugal life. Do not concentrate about today and let the fresh aroma of love overpower the real taste of life in the future, rather see yourself and your conjugal life 10 or 20 or 30 years hence. Conjugal life might start now, but it is the beginning only, don’t you think? Talk to people, listen to their experiences. Why don’t meet face to face some old but happy couples?
Mind you, you are not the supreme, and hence you cannot expect everything to be the best in your life. So try to learn how to compromise also. It is MUST in conjugal life, let me warn you. And in fact, it is a part of “fight’ mentioned hitherto.
By the way, I hope you are not compromising your career while suffering from tension from your love life.
My last suggestion, dear, whenever you meet people and try to widen your knowledge base out of their experience, do not impose your problem on them and seek solution. Rather see if you can extract something from them.
And at the end, if you are in your way, you be in your way. There is nothing wrong if staying own way does not put you in tension. But if there is tension, your learning from the surroundings is incomplete. And you know you cannot live with tension.
May be it is better to live with him than to live with tension!