Decision Making/Really Confused
I am 26. Have been working for the last 4 years. Next year will complete 5 years of being in a steady relationship. And for the last 3 years have been living with my boy friend. There is nothing major that I can complain of in the relationship, except for minor adjustment issues. I met this colleague at work, with the interaction initially was cordial and very formal. Gradually we got to know each other better. Started texting as friends and even speaking over the phone. My boy friend knows the guy as well and has no issues so far with the amount of interaction. Initially when I moved in with my boy friend, I used to say no any outing that didn’t involve him, particularly the one's planned at work. My boy friend has his separate set of friends as he is in his last year of college. I generally don’t interact with this group at all. I used to complain that just because we are staying together , doesn't mean that I cant demand separate time from him. To which he used to and still says that he needs to hang out with guys from college as during exams and all they are ones who would help him. So I kind of convinced myself to start interacting more with colleagues from work and have my own social circle so that I have less of free time to think about things like my boy friend not giving me enough time or not trying to understand my perspective about spending time together. Though I know this is not a major issue but as a result of this now I have many friends from work and a lot them do have expectations from me like small things like replying to messages or returning phone calls in week ends etc. Lately when I started talking with this colleague from work that I mentioned earlier, I have been feeling that we have so many things in common. The temperament, mentality, approach towards a lot of things in life and sum it up the connectivity. He also feels the same as well.
I am a very emotional and filmy person and very strong believer of fate or destiny and even soul mates. I very firmly believe that someone some where is made exclusively for me and I for him. Now after being with my boy friend for 5 years, going through many phases in life, sharing so many joys and sorrows and many experiences, I meet this guy, who I feel might be the one for me. I am confused whether to be honest and confess this to my boy friend and take up what fate is throwing at me. Or should not be selfish and think about me only and break the heart of someone who has been so very committed and loyal to me all the while and probably has no clue of whats going on in my head. Should I just ignore these thoughts and simply momentary and not think about this colleague and focus on my current relationship and its future or should I just do what my heart wants me to and accept it as I feel its fate that made us meet in the first place.
My parents know about my present relationship and so do our entire group of friends. And everybody is really looking forward to our wedding/future, once he completes his college and gets a job. I need help. I cant concentrate at work. When I go home I just feel so very guilty about all the thoughts that are running through my head. My boyfriend is a lot more practical person. For him little voices from within, soul mates, true love, surprises, fate etc etc are all illogical. Please help.
Well, you are in a dilemma no doubt but the best part is that you have recognized it. So solution is not far off, I assure you. At the same time, someone in conflict or stress means he/she is yet to be fully mature in “The Bank of Wisdom”! So my dear, you are to enhance that part, I mean the grasp on the matter. You may read books, see movies, talk to friends and best of all is to get to share the experience from those who are experienced, a few married senior people in the field, who may in your family or close relationship or even at your work space.
Nobody on earth has a readymade solution to one’s problem. Even the Doctors have to treat each and every patient differently, even with so advanced weapon of modern medicine. So remember, the tailor made solution for specific problem may to be found out by you only, after taking cues from in and around you.
At the end of the tunnel, it is the life of you and your partner. Try to visualize where you would be after 10, 20, 30 years hence, with either of them. Do not get too sentimental while visualizing that. Things won’t remain as it is today. The mindset of your partners will also change with passage of time. Your emotional support in workspace, family, friends will also vanish day by day. Then the hard facts of life, family, children etc would eat away major part of any couple’s mental state. Consider all such factors. Then try to see with whom your vibes “appears to” match even in distant future. Because at the end of the tunnel, it is only you with him, none else matters, not even your parents, friends, children, brothers, sisters, NONE, because all of those are MAYA (illusion).
It is now imperative that as you are now close to two boys, one is going to be out of your close vicinity very soon. While deciding who he is, you need not consider his state of mind, rather you should consider with whom you are going to be happy. One is going to suffer a little, but that is the way the life is. Had it been one boy and two girls (one being you), you could have been the one who suffered. So do not try to think of reducing one’s suffering by sacrificing your happiness. You may land up in sadness more. And you would be left with many option to reduce his suffering even after pairing with the best pick. By remaining good friend (if he is little practical kind of guy) or deleting him altogether from your life (after breaking up in a decent way).