AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question My son will be 18 in July 08. He's very smart and graduating top in his class to say the least. Anyway, I divorced 2 years ago and have gone on with my life. I am happy now and even found love. My ex husband has brain washed my son into staying with him and leaving me. He bought him a car, got him a license and even gives him money and partially spoils him to whatever he wants. In all, my son has abandoned me in general and doesn't even visit or stay over my home. This has been since Nov. of 07. My son has confessed to me that is because he's scared that he won't get into the college he wants if he leaves his dad to come live with me. I sacrifice my pain in order for him to get the education he deserves. But it cost me losing my son completely and barely seeing him. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend says to let him go and make up his own mind. But my heart tells me differently. Please tell me what to do. Should I just let my son go or fight for him?
Answer This is an extremely unfortunate situation and you have my sympathies and your son has my sympathies.
I imagine this is quite shocking to you still. However, you and your boyfriend seem to have missed an important part of the story. Either that or I have not understood you correctly.
If I read you correctly, your son has told you that he is aware that he is being threatened and manipulated.
That means he has, in effect, asked you to be patient with him.
Therefore there is a third option. You seem to see only two: either fight for him (whatever that might mean and you are not clear about it) or "let him go and make up his own mind" (whatever that might mean).
He has asked you to stop placing that pressure on him. I would not be surprised to learn that he feels also threatened and manipulated by you, although not as profoundly as by his father.
Ask your son what would work for him. Are there ways for him to stay in touch with you without crossing his father?
If my reading of the situation is correct, then I predict that those chickens will come home to roost and that at some point your son will cut his father off or punish him in some way. The trust in that relationship has been severely strained the father's hatred of you.
Let me know if you want to follow up. You may do it here or directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
