Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 5/22/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have been divorced over 6 years and have been dating a wonderful widower for 2 years now. We can only see each other on the weekend, but we talk on the phone every night. His children are 23 and 17, and mine are 19, 15, and 14. We interact with each other's children when we're in each other's homes, and have watched them play sports , but he doesn't want our children to meet each other.  He had a previous relationship before meeting me (lasted 7 months) and he said she really pushed things along, even pushed their kids together. His kids didn't really like her, and when he told me about it, he said it didn't go well at all. (I don't know how they reacted when they broke up.) I know that at their ages our kids will probably be awkward meeting each other, but I think it's an important step if our relationship is to move forward, which he indicated he wants to do. Do you think by his actions he's thinking of us being together only after the kids are grown and gone? I'm not in a huge hurry, but we're both 50 and I'm looking for some type of future, even if it's in a few years. If he's just enjoying a convenience, I'd rather look for someone more willing to get the kids together and take that chance. What's your take on this?  thanks!

ANSWER: Hi ann,

Nice question.


He says he wants it to move forward. You guys have been together for two years. You've met his kids and he's meet yours. I take it that the meetings were reasonably congenial.  (were they?)

You said "maybe" he's thinking about you being together after the kids were grown and gone. Have you asked him what he was thinking?

If that's true, it would seem that the 23 is grown and gone and that leaves the 17.  When will the 17 be grown and gone? How long is he talking about here?

As to the Just enjoying the convenience...I would hope you'd have a better sense about the relationship than that.  Also,I would hope that after two years you'd be able to have a conversation about that. It will be a very difficult conversation, I expect, hard to listen to without wanting to argue with him...that will be a big test for you. The 7 month relationship failed that test. But maybe she also failed others as well.

Even so I wouldn't pin my decision about that on whether he wants the kids to meet now. But I can see why you'd wonder.

Maybe it works this way in his mind: If the dating partners meet each other's kids, they are still just dating partners but if the kids meet each other it's like trying to blend families and that's too soon...maybe.  

Maybe he doesn't want to remarry until 17 is gone. Still I'd ask him if that's how he thinks it through.

He's certainly made it clear that he doesn't want to be pushed into anything.  But he hasn't revealed his reasons.

I agree it's an important step and I suspect he would agree also. But there are many, many important steps of this sort. My initial inclination would be to encourage this compromise:  Accept this decision to not do it and at the same time, ask him to explain his thinking in much greater depth.  That is also an important step.

Do write me a follow up, thanks.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.





Are you prepared to just

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Following up - One thing I didn't mention: His 23 yo has a 1-yo daughter, all living with him, and he supports all while she finishes school. No dad in the picture, so that may matter in some way.

New:  On the phone two days ago, I asked him about getting the kids together for a couple of cookouts during the summer.  He repeated that in the past (another relationship), getting kids together didn't work out well at all.  I told him that made sense if we were just dating, but I thought we were more than that, and if we were, he should decide what he wants to do.  This clearly upset him (he doesn't like any conflict - that's why some issues have not been discussed, I think) and he said he didn't expect to be 'confronted' by me on that issue. I think he thought I was giving him an ultimatum, and given the pushy ex-gf history, he got real quiet and even mad at the end of our call. He didn't call last night, and turned off his phone, clearly upset with me.  

We rarely argue, but if there's an upsetting verbal disagreement - politics or raising kids, generally (he buys his everything, I make mine save), his M.O. is "radio silence" like this for a couple of days, which is very hard for me, as we usually talk every night for a long time.

I probably shouldn't have persisted, knowing how he can be, but I think we should be talking this out, and not this silence, which I know is tearing us both apart.

Thanks

Answer
Well I think you've gotten to the key issue.  
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the pessimistic scenario is that it's all him and his guardedness and there's nothing you can do. The optimistic scenario is that there is something in your approach that is making things worse and you could make a change and create an opening.

May there is something in the way you press your case  that provokes nothing but "radio silence," or stonewalling in him. Maybe you can find a way around that piece. And I think that you can either accept as normal this kind of silence and figure that's how it will aways be in this relationship (doubtful you can do this) or you can find a different way to handle these things.

And at this point there is probably a bit of a history. He tends to get stuck on this point, so it's not going to be easy.

Also, I have seen instances where another kid at home with a grandkids makes things awfully touchy.

It's possible that you and I could put our heads together and find a breakthrough.  Sounds like there is enough good in the relationship to make working this piece out worth the effort. Otherwise, it will clog the gears and you guys will be stalled.  

Maybe you and i are past the point where exchanging letters can help. Give thought to arranging for a consult with me or someone..

Let me know. My direct address is drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Philip