AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question QUESTION: ok my boyfriend and i met in irak we where both in the millitary, and we where both married to other people! Ok well we ended up becomming intimate in irak and concieved a child of course i came back sooner then he did, but now two and a half years later we are still together but its a struggle everyday we se his wife every wekend because they have a daughter together and she cant stop asking for money even though we are broke to after our second child and his pot habbit, i am so confused, i love his daughter but just cant seem to get passed his x-wife she calls every week asking for money and she calls him a good for nothing dad until he gives her money and he always does what she want no matter what i say, but apperently he wants to be with me forever i feel so annoyed and i think i mught just hate this situation i rather be single but he wont let me break up with him, he rather see my kids and i in the streets then me leave him i dont know what to do anymore this really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: The way most people handle the harassment about money from an ex is to have a legal agreement and to honor it. Then if she hassles you can get a restraining order and argue that you've done what was required and she has to leave you alone.
Is he divorced? Are you re-married. These are important questions.
Otherwise you have to decide on a few things. How long are you willing to tolerate this situation? What will you do when you decide it is intolerable. (Good idea to discuss this with a profession, someone who isn't as furious as you are. )
If you are still military counseling should be available. I work with people on the phone and do offer discounts but it's still something you'd have to pay for.
Let me know.
Philip Belove
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
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QUESTION: ok i did read your answer and you are right, but for some reason he is such a good talker i always give in, i need to leave but he threatens me with," Well don't you want to go to school still", or "you cant afford to leave, we have two kids and you should just leave them with me!" But hell no! he is a pot head we are both suffering from PTSD and im the only one getting treated he sais he doesnt believe in this kind of treatment, i dont know!
ANSWER: Okay. It comes back to the key question: How long are you willing to tolerate this situation? What will you do when you decide it is intolerable?
And maybe I should add: How will you know when you have passed your limit?
The third question is important and maybe the most important. As you know from experience, sometimes you can adjust your tolerance levels so that you can endure really abusive and grinding situations. You do it because you have no choice. Part of returning to "normal" life is raising your standards back to "normal" for what you will tolerate.
For some people refusing treatment is a particularly stubborn symptom of PTSD. It locks them into battle mode.
You do not want to get caught up in that. It's dark and bitter and there's really no exit. At some point you have to say to yourself, "Enough." I've done my job. I want to go back to something like a "normal" life.
Once you do that you decide what you will no longer tolerate. Maybe you decide you will no?t tolerate being hostage to a husband who is slowly going nuts and not getting any help in it. You will have to be extremely deliberate and strategic about this. You will have to think long term. You can't trust your feelings here becuase your feelings are in survival mode and when that happens you range of vision is narrowed. That's one of the reasons why you reach out to someone like me. You really need perspective.
If you are connected to him (and nothing changes) will you and your children's life five years from now now be better or worse? If you leave, better or worse?
Hard questions. Right now no one is in charge.
Second observation: If you believe his level of functioning (LoF) is inadequate and you stay with him and allow him leadership or even equal partnership, then what does that say about your LoF? I think it means that you are about the same. But at least you are able to think through that question. I get the impression from you that he can't even think that one through.
If you were to work with me, I'd be basically taking this position with you.
What do you thinK?
Philip
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
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QUESTION: OK i think what you are`saying is right, and yea i feel like things will get worse if i stay no matter what, but we used to work on gaurd together and he protected me alot and well now i feel like if i leave him i will be unprotected but at the same time i do knoe better, i just cant get passes it, i would love to work with you but cant afford it, i do see millitary therapist but they are only interested in the system and numbers of course, anyway i need help, and i need out somehow, i am getting lost and desperate. I am not a bad person i thought i was doing something great for my country, but i was a horrible person over there, i cant handle it anymore especially on 4rth of july, im sitting here drinking some beere trying to stay busy so i dont hear that horrible whistling sounds and pops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh i need to get out of here!!!!! HELP, someone i am having an almost panic attack.
Answer Hi.
It's July 5th.
Back to whatever.
Yes. You do need help.
I'll work with you for little but not for free.
I do know some military therapists and they are gifted and compassionate but I imagine there are also those who aren't. Still your first move has to be to tell your therapist that you aren't getting the help you need.
By the way, a lot of PTSD has to do with having a hard time dealing with...not what was done to you or your buddies...but what you do to others, with being a "terrible person." It takes a while to calm down and come down from the state you have to be in in order to be an effective soldier. And in some ways, you'll never be the same.
It's a damn shame that people who make the kinds of sacrifices you've made aren't cared for afterwards.
After all the soldiering you've done, getting yourself into a safe place with your private life is going to require even more soldiering.
I can remind you of what you have to do, but in the end, you have to walk that lonesome valley by yourself.
