AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half; we have lived together for over a year. He has two children, ages 12 and 10 and I have one child, age 6. Our children love each other very much.
Our problem is his ex-wife. She is the classic example of a self-destructive personality. He is trying to protect his kids from her as much as possible by helping her out in any way that he can, but she continues in this downward spiral.
I feel that helping her is doing no good, since she can't ever seem to get herself straightened out, and it is hurting us, both financially (he intentionally overpays her child support because she doesn't have a job, even though we are struggling with our own bills) and emotionally.
She is getting to the point where she is causing problems in our relationship.
For instance, she moved 30 minutes away because she can't find a job and she needs her boyfriend to support her. He agreed to joint custody even though everyone, including his lawyer, recommended he get full custody. Well, now she wants us to watch the children before and after school so she doesn't have to wait around. I am the one who has to watch them, and since I own a home business and need to concentrate on my work (I can't while I am watching them), I have said no. Mind you, she doesn't have a job; she just doesn't want to wait around for 20 minutes - both children have different drop off and pick up schedules.
So she calls up my boyfriend and they have an argument; she even goes so far as to come over to our house and try to argue with me. (For my part, I always remain calm, which I'm sure makes her angry too.) First, she tries to bully him (or me), then she threatens us, then she gets angry, then she tries guilt-tripping us ("the kids feel like you are being mean"), then self-indulgent ("you're enjoying being spiteful"). What is worse, she will go home and convince the children that we are evil, horrible people. On one occasion, she told her children that I was trying to ruin her life.
After these arguments, my boyfriend will get really moody and won't speak for 6 hours. These conversations happen a LOT because, like I said, she is always in some kind of trouble and she always needs something. Every three months she needs something and the arguments last about a month and a half.
We can't achieve any kind of peace. My boyfriend and I have a really strong relationship and all the rest of our life together is great; in fact, our household is relatively calm and stable. I can't live in the constant chaos that this woman is trying to cause in our lives.
What can we do to help us get that peace, without rolling over and giving her whatever she wants all the time?
Answer Hi.
You have a very serious problem.
Lots of bad news here.
You will be dealing with this dysfunctional woman for the next fifteen or so years, as long as the children are dependent. In addition, she will continue to manipulate the children to her side and draw them into her "poor me" story. What happens in many of these situations is that the children both resent the burden and also share it. Just as your boyfriend, out of the goodness of his heart, and perhaps as an antidote to his personal rage, over-extends himself to his ex and at the same time hates dealing with her, so also will one of your children.
Often in these situations one child ends up taking the father's place, caring for the dysfunctional mother, making even greater sacrifices than the father ever would have.
This struggle will be one of the continuing themes of your life together. It's like having a difficult special need's child, except
it's an adult who ought to know better. So don't ever expect a definitive solution. You can't solve it, you can only develop a policy to deal with it. Moving for joint custody might relieve the situation but you will still have problems.
His decision to go against the advice of so many who told him to take full custody is one he will come to regret, if he hasn't already. Also, it speaks to his kind heart and guilt. Often people who suffer this kind of guilt also are furious and because they are kind hearted they scarcely know how to deal with being that angry. So they bend over backward to be extra kind.
So the first thing I have to say is that as bad as it seems to you, you are right, and it might even be a lot worse.
The first place you have to look to fix things is at how decisions get made between you and him. Right now, you defer to him because they are his children. This will have to change. You two will have to do something extremely difficult and that is share the decisions making 50/50. That means, in case of a tie, you have to keep discussing it. It means that you have to be willing to have soem very difficult conversations. That's the start.
This is a significant problem you've presented. I suggest you find a counselor to help you with is. I would be happy to work with you on the phone. My practice is primarily on the phone. I would want to talk to both of you. I think the first call would be a repeat of what I've said in this letter. I would explain more of it to you and to him. I would also see whether this general pattern which I've described does indeed apply to your specific situation. Since the first call is free, I suggest you take advantage of it. I don't mind expanding on this brief presentation and I believe it will be very helpful to you both.
You may contact me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Thank you, an my apologies for such an alarm ringing message but I do mean to cause alarm.
