AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question Dear belove,i need your advice,i been in a relationship for 5 years , a good men,we been together in good and bad times,supporting each other allways,we respect each other a lot and have a healthy relationship,he was married when i met him,but separed from his wife for 1 year, did not file for divorce until now that we want to marry, he told me that before he met me, he asked his wife to come back home because he want it to save their marriage but she refuse because her own reasons.,then when we start living together she was willing to try to fix their marriage,but was to late for him,we were in love already,i like honesty so i was willing to leave if he was not sure of loving me,so he decided to stay together because he was sure of his feelings,any way they keep their friendship by phone,for a while,then she start a new relationship with another person so she stoped calling regularly.
After that 5 years had passed and he ask for divorce she was agreed they filed it ,but now 2 days ago suddenly she appear at our house one morning,saying that she needs shelter for few days and she is broke and need emotional support from him,so he asked me first what to do,me and him decided to help her for few days,support her in any way need it,but the first day she stayed she asked him (in prived)if he still love her,and that she wants him back with her,he said no,because he loves me now not her,he love her different way now as family,so any way she is in my house now,nothing has change in our life because of her,we eat together,we talk,watch tv..but,last night they were talking and walking little away home,so i went with them,i took his harm as normal,and start joint the conversation,she start kind of laughing but she tried to hide it, and said to me that she is not taking him away from me that i don't need to worry,then she acted like she didn't said nothing,and start another conversation as fast as she could, so i didn't ignore that and put things clear,we start having a conversation,she mentioned in a polite way that i had insecurities and also that she just came to find peace, and for a closure with my fiance..
I do not want to make a misstake ,she keep insisting in that is her only reason i now don't feel comfortable about eating at home or even sleeping there is a pain,i am having upset stomach and my fiancee too is having a bad time with that situation,he feels that he has to help her for a while,and i do too because of him,i know i will be able to handle this cituation for a while,but i realy will like to understand her or see from another point of view what is going on here..but how can we help her with out putting our relationship in danger,because now i am not having his total attention now i share that,and he use to only talk to me a lot but now he feels bad of living her out of the picture for a while.
What should i put in my mind and heart that helps me deal with this for a while,what do i need to hear or do,am i insecure or is normal all that pressure in my chest and belly,i just don't want to lose my control ,my mind and mess up my relationship,how far is proper to help her? how far my fiance should support her emotionally,will that affect my feelings and why?
I know i have confuse and diferent questions,but i just need your advise to take a wise desition.
Answer She is trying to undermine your marriage.
Trust your intuitions here.
What is necessary is that she deal with you and your husband together and that whenever you are around your husband should show open affection toward you and hold your hand or have his arm around you and basically he should claim you and show in gestures and in words his commitment to you.
When she said you don't need to worry, etc, she was lying. She might have been lying to herself as well or trying to pretend she wasn't but she was trying to take him away, or at least hoping that something happens. She is desperate and panicked and not honest with herself.
You and your husband must have a conversation and agree with each other that this is what she is trying to do, even if she would never admit it to herself or to you. You and your husband must agree privately that this is what she is about. You must treat her as if this is her secret agenda. You can not confront her on this but you must assume it is the truth.
Yes she needs help. Yes you want to help her. At the same time she is a dangerous presence and you must be careful.
The decision how much to support her is one that he must make with you and he must involve you in it at all points. She must understand that the generosity comes from both of you.
Also, it would be wise do things like this: Ask her to plan an evening out of the house, at the movies. Buy her the ticket if necessary. Tell her that the two of you need a regular evening at home alone and she, while a guest, must allow you two to maintain some private routines. This will be a strong, but indirect message to her sent by both of you.
Also, if you and your husband wish to help her, you must decide how much and you must establish a respectful relationship with her and she with you.
I hope you find this information helpful.
Pleaselet me know what happens next and you and your husband's responses. Do show him this letter. Write me back at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
