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Divorce Issues/Verbal Abusive Ex-Husband

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holly wrote at 2008-09-26 02:06:43
I suggest at a minumum, copying all correspondence from him and keeping it somewhere safe. I also would suggest showing them to the GAL. Research shows that conflict between the parents DOES impact kids in negative ways. You also may want to record a few phone conversations - not for court purposes - but they go a long way in illustrating just how abusive someone is being. The court's can put restrictions on how frequently one parent contacts the children when they have placement with the other parent. Obviously that's not the goal but in SOME cases, it needs to happen and yours sounds like one. Set limits with him and when he becomes verbally abusive, immediately end the conversation. EVERY TIME. If he can't be appropriate then you can't talk. It's that simple. The kids should not be put in the middle - you are right. You cannot stop or control what he does - ONLY HOW YOU RESPOND. When he tries to put them in the middle - hold your ground. Your kids will figure out what he is all about ON THEIR OWN and in their own time AND they will figure out that you were not a part of the game their father is playing. It's so truly hard to see when you are in it but keep your faith and do what you need to to take care of yourself.


Momonamission wrote at 2008-11-06 17:26:43
I COMPLETELY disagree with the opinion that "he is their father" and "if he is not physically abusing them, he has the right to be with them". I assert that children are not THINGS. You can not treat them as THINGS (Mom gets them some, Dad gets them some and it doesn't matter how they are treated). Children have FEELINGS and THOUGHTS and DREAMS and HOPES and FEARS like all human beings and they need to be heard. If they are telling you that Daddy makes them feel bad about themselves, it is your DUTY as their LOVING MOTHER to protect them!! Just make sure you fight with the courts on your side. If you try to go against a court ruling, you will end up having it all fly back in your face...Hire an attorney and take the creep to court for harrassing you and emotionally abusing the children. Ask for reduced or supervised visitation. Ask for Creepo to have to take parenting classes. FIGHT for those kids, for heaven's sake!!


Steph wrote at 2008-12-23 05:20:59
I think ANSWERER needs to be educated on the many forms of abuse as emotional and verbal abuse have a much longer and permanant imprint on the victim than physical abuse. I have been through this, my daugther is going through it with her dad and his crazy fiance. I said no more and that is that...no more communication or contact with her or me. The mother of these girls needs to protect her girls and herself from this abusive sperm donor. He is not a real father and he is dishing out what his daughters will learn to accept from others including their future boyfriends and husbands. To Mom, you know in your heart that no one deserves to be degraded and disrespected...teach your girls what a real woman does and take care of you and your girls in this mess. Stand tall and draw a big protective boundary line that gives clear and affirmative lines for this man to stay behind. Document EVERYTHING, every word, call, email and talk to an attorney, talk with supportive people and talk with a domestic violence specialist such as CHOICES or other groups in your city. Domestic violence needs to end and it starts with taking a step towards NO MORE WILL THIS BE TOLERATED IN MY LIFE! God did not create you or the girls to live like this. I am praying for you and for your ex's heart to be convicted on the TRUTH that he is treating you and the girls so wronly and that HE needs to change. Stay safe, stay smart, pay attention to the inner voice that God placed in you for the alarms and red flags are flying...I ask for Boldness and Protection over you and the girls!


livingwithoutabuse wrote at 2009-02-01 20:26:32
I really feel for you, no one knows what is it like to deal with an abusive ex husband, you leave a relationship to get rid of abuse and still endure it for years after.  It is a sick world out there, if I only could have know I would have not had children with my ex husband.  It is not fair that we should have to be stressed and living with such sick men.  I do not answer my ex's 12 phone calls a week or let him control me, but it still wears a person down....they are only think about themselves and you can not rationalize or understand their way of thinking...


rebeckyhi wrote at 2010-04-20 18:34:14
Well said!  There is a great book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that I would recommend in any divorce.  The main theme is that you can't control how other people act but you CAN control yourself and whether you are around that behavior.  You DO NOT have to respond to him just because he is their father.  Just keep loving your kids and being the best mom that you can be...that is all you can do. You WILL reap the rewards one day.


Julie wrote at 2011-02-23 00:42:00
I have an evil ex too. He is very very abusive on e-mails and texts.He recently remarried and I hoped he would put all his energy towards his new wife. Instead he is worse than ever. He told his mother who told my father while I was in the room that he would make me go crazy and put me in a home. A very disgusting place. Then take my children away from me and then I would do the unthinkable. Can you get more abusive than that? Well his new wife lost it and physically beat my 11 yr. old son. DYFS was called and my ex said our son lied. For men who think that women have more rights than men is wrong. It it's so hard to try to reason with a lunatic. It doesn't matter what I do he constantly verbally and electronically abuses me. What rights do I have? I want to get my children out of there but the courts do not seem to care.  


Julie wrote at 2011-02-23 00:42:19
I have an evil ex too. He is very very abusive on e-mails and texts.He recently remarried and I hoped he would put all his energy towards his new wife. Instead he is worse than ever. He told his mother who told my father while I was in the room that he would make me go crazy and put me in a home. A very disgusting place. Then take my children away from me and then I would do the unthinkable. Can you get more abusive than that? Well his new wife lost it and physically beat my 11 yr. old son. DYFS was called and my ex said our son lied. For men who think that women have more rights than men is wrong. It it's so hard to try to reason with a lunatic. It doesn't matter what I do he constantly verbally and electronically abuses me. What rights do I have? I want to get my children out of there but the courts do not seem to care.  


jellybean wrote at 2011-03-09 20:42:31
I did an internet search to see if anyone else's ex kept taking them back to court & I came across your blog.  I have been divorced for 8 years & am dealing with the very same issues!  My oldest is now 16 & hasn't been to her father's house in over 2 years!  My youngest is in awe of him, but does realize that he was mean to her sister.  I'm not sure what to do. Recently, he took me back to court arguing that I moved & wasn't allowed (even though I am within the area), but then when it was granted, he didn't follow through.  I'm glad he didn't, because I think that makes him look like an idiot!  Please let me know if you're still having these issues, or if they've been resolved.


dlds wrote at 2011-07-23 12:38:35
I too have these issues with a verbally abusive ex-husband. I have been divorced for almost 10 years. I left to leave this man and I think he is around more than when we were married. We have a son who is almost 13 who sees what is going on but he is so often put on the spot by his father and his evil grandmother (father's mom) My son will often say or do what they want in order to soften the blow of his dad so to speak. They both constantly put me down to my son, pressure him to come live with them and make him feel bad if he has activities that interfere with THEIR visitation. They do not do anything for our son but only to hurt me. Honestly I have given in to things too in hopes of getting him to leave me alone, less arguments, or easier escapes. I am always stressed out, angry, afraid and nervous. I do not have the money for more courts. I am in fear right now as my son is going into junior high and playing football that will require practices everyday. Up until now it was easier to just trade days for his practices but now 5 days a week there is no extra time. He bullies me on the phone, corners me at ball games so I cannot leave without a public blow up, sits in my car at drop offs or stands in the door so I cannot drive away saying that he is talking to HIS son. I fear daily arguments, put downs and constant bulling that is coming.  


Minnie wrote at 2012-11-23 22:03:26
that last response was ignorant and obviously from someone who has never experienced such a situation! The kids are still in the middle even if it's only one sided! they still are subjected to the damaging effects of such a person. AND it is abuse! It damages them and hurts them and their emotional development!




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Lauren Kaufman

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I have been through a long costly divorce process that took three years. I know what it feels like first hand to be immobilized by the effects of divorce. Finding the motivation to move forward alone can be a challenging experience.

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